The first year of me being in that first apartment of mine, it was the most special, the most life-changing and the most painful year, and it's really hard to describe how all of those feelings can coexist with one another, but they do.. A lot of my healing work happened in the nights that I was just sitting by myself and taking in how far I’d come and all it took to get to this place.
And I think that I so badly try to acknowledge the fact that I've forgiven my parents and the fact that I've healed my relationship with my dad. I try so heavily to identify with the fact that I connected with my family in England, found glimpses of pride and love in this broken but beautiful culture. Because vocalizing those thoughts and vocalizing those feelings, it makes me feel like I've healed.
But the reality is, is that trauma doesn't leave just because you understand why it happened.
And trauma doesn't leave just because you forgive the people who might have contributed to it.
It's all just process of the continuous healing. And I guess that's what I'm realizing as I'm going through this life. It's that I will continue to have painful nights like this where it does affect me.
And I just need to remind myself that a year ago, I still had a lot of hate in my heart. A year ago, I still had a lot of anger in my heart, and I think for a long time I was holding onto anger so that I could conceal the pain.
But now that the anger has subsided, all that's left is this pain.
I try to tell myself that, that I'm ready to go back there, but I know that, that feeling that I have of wanting to go back so badly, and it has a lot to do with the fact that I haven't healed.
The reality is, is that I can make sense of everything. I can try to psychoanalyze why all of these things have happened, but regardless of all the reason that I can attach to these events, it doesn't change the pain that these events have brought me.
It doesn't take away the trauma that's still living so deep within my heart.
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