Versus

There is a new puppy in my life: Liberty Dean (#totesadorbs, #errrmyghad, #there's-a-new-dog-in-town). She goes by Libby for short and she pees on the rug (#naughtylibby!). For a few weeks, her propawsterous puppy piddling was chalked up as normal for her young age. But you can only flip a rug so many times. Her cuteness to naughtiness ratio hit the tipping point and something had to be done. We set out on a mission to change Libby.

Libby in the Leaves

Changing Libby's behavior, although frustrating at times, was relatively easy. A soiled rug was met with a quick trip outside and a short stint in puppy jail. A successful trip to the backyard was rewarded with exorbitant praise and playtime. Not surprisingly, she preferred the praise and play and soon was wired to prefer the outdoor bathroom. We molded Libby into an upstanding household member, successfully having altered her behavior.

Red, White, and Blue Bowls

As human's, we alter our behavior, too, and we do it constantly. Sometimes, we make the alterations intentionally – our friends suggest, our partner asks, our boss demands we change our ways – and sometimes we make the alterations unconsciously. We’re easily influenced by advertising (You did click this puppy link after all), will mimic other people in our social circle, and are subtly encouraged by society to act one way over another. We do this because we desperately want to fit in with our perceived environment, and like Libby, we prefer praise to scolding, play to punishment, a pat on the head over being ignored.

Now, if you find yourself thinking “this guy lured me in with a cute puppy photo and is baiting and switching me into a society is broken monologue” you are correct, but I assure you this is not a twist on the ‘cog in the machine’ or ‘stick it to the man’ rants. I believe in social order, a functioning government, and think we should all play nice and work with each other. My observation is this:

When behavior alteration is framed in this context – humans altering behavior in pursuit of reward or avoidance of punishment – it begins to look strikingly similar to domestication.

Okay, that was kind of heavy, here’s another puppy pic.

Domestication is the process whereby a population of living organisms is changed at the genetic level, through generations of selective breeding, to accentuate traits that ultimately benefit the interests of humans. A very scientific definition befitting for a word derived from science. As I am not a scientist - and I’m trying not to let this spiral into a conspiracy theory - I am going to table the possibility of purposeful genetic alteration over generations (although I’d very much welcome a scientist’s or conspirator’s opinion). Instead, lets examine domestication through the lens of something we can all choose to be: a Humanitarian.

The domestication of humanity has a nasty ring to it. That’s because it means humans are simultaneously domesticating and being domesticated – humans domesticating other humans to benefit humanity. It results in a circular situation furthering nobody involved and it all stems from our constant behavior altering and our unquenchable obsession with conformity.

We like to think of ourselves as a species of conquerors, supreme beings, the top dogs of Earth, evolving both as individuals and as a society. But domestication and evolution do not go hand in hand; they clash like hot pink and lime green. We cannot alter our behavior and evolve. To evolve, we must transform.

Transformation is to Evolution as Alteration is to Domestication.

Whoa, self-development, another puppy

When we hear the word ‘transformation ’, we visualize large, dramatic changes taking place over an extended period. These certainly can be transformative characteristics – transformations can be major revelations that develop over time – but transformations can also be minor realizations that happen suddenly in brief “aha” moments. Transformation and alteration do not differ from each other by the seriousness of the change or in the length of time it takes to make the change; rather, they differ in that transformation requires understanding where alteration does not.

Altering our behavior only requires asking ‘what’ questions. What are other people around me doing? (and what do I need to do to do that, too?) What does my partner like? What does my boss want me to do? They are easy questions to answer: People around you post to Facebook (so I should do that, too), My partner likes when I call them at night, my boss wants me to show up at 8 am and be at my desk until 5 pm.

Understanding begins when we ask “why”, both to ourselves and in our interactions with others. Why are other people around me posting to Facebook? Why does my partner like when I call? Why does my boss want me to be at my desk? These questions are much harder to deal with because you cannot mimic feelings. Perhaps, your partner likes when you call at night because they have trust issues, or maybe your partner likes when you call at night because it strengthens the bond between the two of you, is a place in their day where time melts, and hearing your voice makes everything bad feel good. Wouldn’t you agree that is an important difference to understand?

Transformation is difficult because understanding often comes at the cost of your ego. To find and hold onto understanding, you must be willing to deconstruct your own walls, confront awkward emotions, and be open to honest communication about anything. It is much easier to flip the autopilot on and default back to alteration and the path to domestication - an impulsive state of mind where you don’t need to understand, you don’t need to feel, and you get rewarded with “good girls” and “atta boys”.

“Ego, and awareness of the ego, cannot coexist” – Eckhart Tolle

Cute puppy breather

On our morning commute to work, a colleague and I play a game called 'Train Face'. The rules are simple, we board the train at the same time and the first person to see someone smiling wins. Not surprisingly, we often go miles with no smiles, the winner usually spotting a vacation smile as we near Union Square. Interestingly, what makes the game most difficult to win is not a plague of the 'Monday's'. It is the inability to see anybody's face properly. Most people have their chin tucked into their chest, eyes glued to a phone, passing time with the Internet. It dawned on me with the technology in our pocket we always have something we could be doing, and it got me thinking, "Is anyone ever bored anymore?"

Boredom is a state of weariness from being unoccupied or from lacking interest in our current activity. By disconnecting from our environment and connecting with our e-vironment we do not give boredom enough time to set in. Once dropped into our device we can always be occupied, and before we can tire of what is on the screen computer generated prediction algorithms recommend new content they know we will like. Games like Words with Friends advertise for more games like Dice with Buddies, our Facebook "news" feed links to what's trending on Youtube, and "articles" like 'The 38 Most Absolutely Absurd Things That Happen In Sharknado 2' suggests we read 'The Top 10 Scientific Reasons to Eat More Pizza'. It is impossible to be bored while using a smartphone.

With the help of technology, humans have transformed into talented boredom avoiders. Professional time taker uppers. Skillful texters, tweeters, and buzzfeeders. We have become such experts at mindlessly occupying our time that we have created a huge problem. When we choose to pass time in this fashion we are trading our shot at mindfulness for shots of mindlessness - our awareness for a never-ending distraction. If you are not convinced, ask yourself this:

Are you aware of what you are doing right now?

Think about how you came across this blog. Were you deliberately seeking out healthy living information or did you stumble upon it in a daze while sitting on your toilet? Dull moments in our days are inevitable, but we have a choice of how we will respond to them. Are we medicating with technology or are we noticing the experience? Numbing out or building coping skills? Avoiding the uncomfortable feelings or reconstructing our days to be less boring?

Sometimes a breakfast conversation goes deep. One minute you're smiling, enjoying your doughnut, and the next you're trying not to let coffee sputter out of your open mouth because your jaw is on the table. In a surprisingly intense discussion with my friend the other morning, I listened to him struggle with the decision to stay in San Francisco or move back to Chicago. "Should I focus on my secure, well-paying corporate job or should I put my energy into my passion?" he wondered aloud. He voiced his thought process, rationale swinging from thought out and calculated to very impulsive and emotional. Eventually concluding "our generation is terrified of commitment... We've watched our elders get burned and we don't want that. We want to stay transient, flexible, and uncommitted because it feels safe." For examples, he cited the notable cluster-factoids observed by Generation Y, "Marriage ends in separation and home buying ends in crippling family debt." It dawned on us humans typically make decisions in two ways, logically or emotionally, and on the surface either seems like an appropriate way to make big choices. Both appear to be positive personality traits, and it's easy to respect somebody for being either logical or emotional. Yet, many an argument begins with "Stop being so emotional!" or "You are always so logical!" Is there a time then for emotional decision making and a time for logical decision making? Is it up to us to recognize when to use which method? When we put these choosers into the context of our above examples, fear of divorce and foreclosure, it seemed like people who made logical or emotional decisions were each likely burned.  Emotional folks, looking around and seeing their friends getting married and buying houses impulsively wanted it, too. Grabbing their latest friend with benefits, they settled down and bought the expensive house, enjoying the thrill of a quick big change. When the housing market and marriage took a turn for the worse, we watched our emo predecessors suffer. Logical decision makers were no better off. It’s impossible to factor in all the intangibles of a home or love investment. Over thinking big decisions, they take too long to decide on anything. They approach life like an equation, and all the good stuff passes them by while they try and solve it. But what about the third group of home buyers and lovers? The couple you know who is perfect for each other. The people who didn't lose their home or have to make major changes when the housing bubble burst. How did they make the right choices within the constraints of the emotional or logical decision making paradigm? They didn't. There is a third way to make decisions: Intuitive Decision Making. It is important not to confuse impulse with intuition. Impulse is an urge. Intuition is an understanding. An urge to act vs. an understanding of whether to act. Intuition incorporates logic, emotion, and instinct - mixing our human components with our animal – and is our ultimate survival and success tool. Intuitive decisions are made in a timely fashion, feel good, and are always the right decision for the time. Emotional and logical decision makers call these people lucky, but making intuitive decisions is not luck. It is a skill we can cultivate. Intuition will tell you if its time to buy the house or fall in love... We just have to clear out all the fearful logic and screaming emotion so we can listen to the intuitive instruction.

A sound I know well: A furry head thumping against wood. My eleven and change year old yellow lab, Willow, crashes through the seemingly closed office door. She's learned over time by driving her head into the wood the pesky barrier between hallway and human is no big deal. I don't have to ask to know why she's arrived, but for traditions sake I humor her with our banter. "What do you want Willybob?" Expertly walking the line between cute and annoying, she woofs a high pitched "Yawrp Yawrp Yawrp!" Easily interpreted as "PLAY WITH ME!!!"

Play is the gateway to vitality and is as instinctual as our fight or flight response. Stuart Brown, medical doctor, psychiatrist, and founder of The National Institute of Play raves: "By its (play's) nature it is uniquely and intrinsically rewarding. It generates optimism, seeks out novelty, makes perseverance fun, leads to mastery, gives the immune system a bounce, fosters empathy and promotes a sense of belonging and community... It can be accessed and used by everyone and is as important to humans as vitamins or sleep". Brian Sutton-Smith, play theorist and researcher, observed "the opposite of play is not work, it is depression." Given all the benefits and our inherent ability for play, why we don't play more often?

Human brains are unique in the animal kingdom. Unlike every other animal, we have the ability to pause between stimulus and response. During this pause, we choose how we will respond rather than act on instinct. As an example, when your version of Willow barrels through the door, woofs, and takes a play bow, you get to choose how you will respond. You don't instinctively tell her "No play, I'm busy working". Our ability to choose is a tremendous evolutionary advantage, but works against us when we consistently choose not to play. Collectively as a society, we are burying our instinctual need for play and slowly eliminating the play response as an option.

Eliminating play is effectively conditioning humanity for depression and extinguishes the possibility of a joyous and impactful lifestyle. Google's dictionary defines play as "an activity engaged in for enjoyment and recreation, especially by children." I couldn't disagree more. Play is not an activity nor is it especially reserved for children; rather, play is an altered state of mind that embodied over time becomes an alternative way of being. Playful people are present in the moment, enjoy their lives, and are not bound to the rigidities of broken social structure. Their way of being leads to meaningful connection, fulfillment, and sparks positive change in our world.

The word play (best pun ever?) has been popping up in my social circle lately, and being a self-declared health and wellness enthusiast, I assumed I was a playful person because I prioritized exercise. Mental box checked and feeling good about myself, I didn't give play much more thought. Then, during a challenging bike "play" up a large hill, it dawned on me I was absolutely hating every second of the ride. There was no way I was playing.

Exercise is defined as "intense physical activity", is synonymous with "work out", and is something added to a daily to-do list to be checked off when we don't succumb to the snooze button. For my fellow exercisers, do not assume your exercise is play (no matter what your yoga teacher tells you in handstand). Exercise in itself is not play, but of course since play is a state of mind, play can certainly be exercise.