God is in your underwear

when i was 17? i was molested by my mom’s fiance. my sexual career pretty much began with that event so most of my time was spent engaging in behavior that was at least partially influenced by my trauma, which included dating older men exclusively and being a part of my local kink community

(it’s at this point that i must mention that i still don’t think a direct line should always be drawn between experiencing trauma and being drawn to kink; i mean, how many of the people i met in my brief time in my local kink scene were actually like, normal and well adjusted? i don’t know lmfao but it just doesn’t feel fair to members of the community to allege that they’re all just broken people idk anyway)

this time kind of ended with my getting into a relationship with a guy about 18 years my senior that i blogged about extensively on here, which ended because i wasn’t willing to be more open about this relationship for like, fucking obvious reasons, my father found out and threatened to kill me, i was alienated from everyone i knew because i had a man i couldn’t bring around anyone, it was an entire fucking mess

overall i... remember the relationship itself fondly? aside from the inherent exploitative nature of the age gap i guess lol, the structure of kink was something i felt i needed and something that benefitted me in the moment, i got great grades and was in the best shape i’d ever been in, and i was treated well

but because i discovered kink as soon as i became an adult, it wasn’t until i met my current partner that i was like, made to question my kinks and whether they’d developed organically or if they were either implanted in me by constant exposure to kink like, on this site lmao or if they were the product of trauma or something else, because my partner didn’t share them

my first therapy homework assignment was to examine my relationship to power and control after trauma, and i had to decide that i was going to bring my therapist to this part of my life, and it just kind of hit me the second i decided to start the assignment that perhaps.....

so the thing that was so stressful about having been molested was being partially blamed for it by my grandmother, who we lived with when it happened. i was subjected to that ‘fast girl’ narrative, that despite all the years of patriarchal conditioning that made me a pretty big prude in high school, i was able to tempt this man into inflicting this trauma on me. on some real r. kelly shit lol

and i think that after that..... i may have decided that if i somehow have this power to attract men that i’m not even interested in just by being this young, sexy thing, that to avoid having to deal with trauma being inflicted on me again, i’d use my sexuality as leverage to attract these older men and make the thing that brought this trauma upon me, work for me? and as a consequence, engage in a style of sex that just mimics my assault, but under the illusion of it being on my terms

so like, imagine fucking realizing that