cheshireINsanity

I’m in hard denial and disassociation this year.

It’s hard.

I’m starting over from “scratch”.

I’m going back in my memories to a time when I at least thought I was happy, thought I was at peace with myself (for the most part), and reanalizing everything from there.

Friendships are going to be rebuilt from the ground up. (Not a slate wiped clean, but realizing what my end looks like. How I view the friendship, what I bring to it, what I want out of it, etc). I’m working my way through to not only better myself and ground myself, but be able to be there for them how I truly want to be. I’ll never be perfect, but I want to be at least pleased and at peace with my choices.

Hobbies are going to be rebuilt from the ground up. I’m going to divide them by category, then my level of activity (passive vs active aka how much energy and time they take and how o want to give). After that I’m going to analyze whether they are worthwile in the new life I’m leading. Kind of the Marie Kondo method. If I no longer will pursue it, I’ll thank it for the time I’ve had and let it go.

Physical items are going to be cleaned out and managed/replaced. This will be one of the last steps as not only do I have years worth of things, but I have to get my heart and mind more organized to be able to know what to do with my stuff. There is a lot I keep for sentimental, that I think I will be able to let go of or at least take Photos and let go of after I have dealt with the memory side of things.

This month is not for putting off what I’ve kept saying for years that I needed to figure out and take care of. This month is for “getting my act together.” For making myself better to be better for myself and for those I love. Some may never understand, and some may reject me for it. But I cannot keep living this way.

I cannot keep living always worried about hurting others, not being able to be there for others, and worried I’m not letting me be there for myself. I’ve spent the last few years torn between finding myself and keeping up what I’ve always done for others, and it’s nearly torn me apart. But no more. I heal myself now and allow God to heal me so that the future me has a chance. That the people I love have a chance. Even if this road causes them to walk away from me, I will do what is right to live with as few regrets as possible and be the best for myself and for those who will stay. I’ll never give up on the ones I love, they will always have a part of my heart, and I will always fight for the best for them, but I will not be as lukewarm about my interactions with them.

My future is my own, I will always have to walk it solo, but if our paths run parallel, I welcome the company and aim to make their paths easier in this life.

But I know that I can’t solve my problems going back.”