i wrote drowning a few months back. i remember, when i sat down to write the song i had just come home from somewhere and there was pouring rain outside. it was me and my guitar, alone in my living room. originally i wrote drowning to deal with a break up that i went through but the song like it is now changed so much compared to the thing i wrote that night. now it's more about losing yourself in someone else, giving yourself and desperately needing them to give the same back to you. i wasn't very happy with the song after i had finished it because it felt too heavy. instead of the verses i had rap/ talking parts which i wanted to try for a long time but didn't really feel comfortable with in that setting. it felt like i had tried to squeeze the song into a hip hop song which clearly did not fit. i wrote the verses that exist now a few weeks later in the studio after long and frustrating back and forths, thinking, discussing and trying many many ideas together with my producer. for hours on end nothing would come out of it. i was almost ready to throw the song away, say fuck it and start working on something else. but i liked the chorus too much to just ditch it. i think it was at that point that we realised we had to cut the rap verse and work with melody instead. there was no way around it, we had tried everything to make the rap part work because i didn't wanna let it go. the lyrics were amazing and i felt like i couldn't write a new verse with the same intensity and expression.
so at first that was a hard pill to swallow. but the motivation radically came back when we had the first verse and the whole song suddenly felt different. the lyrics were even almost just as good because i was still in the same emotional headspace as I was a week before when I had written drowning.
it was a blessing for the song that we had started working on it right after it was written because with before i sleep and enough it was totally different. I wrote enough when I was 15 and before I sleep at 16. these songs had slumbered for a while until we dug them back out for the first releases.
and because of that emotional freshness i could really relate to the lyrics, they were stemming from such a recent feeling. we recorded my voice right after i had just written the words so i meant every word that i sing in the song.
i love to assign random things to my songs. colours, settings, sounds, feelings and little videos. it helps me to get a new understanding of the song. it often happens to me that i sing my own song so many times during recording sessions and at home, that i forget the meaning or feeling behind it.
since the start i have associated drowning with either a strong neon green (similar to led lights) or a deep blue, white blurry color. dirty bathrooms, urban cities, helplessness, desperation, feeling the panic rise, chest clench and breath stop.
on the other hand drowning is floating, falling, letting go, getting dizzy in a good way and completely giving yourself away. it's the blissful high that comes with the fall.
the concept of drowning, what it feels like to drown, really fascinates me. in my research for the video i read some statements from several different people, all having more or less the same experience while they nearly drowned. they all talked about two stages. first, panic rises, you fight for your life. the water takes your breath away and with every cell in your body you try to gasp for breath, to hold your head above the water.
after what feels like hours of fighting there comes a point when your body gives up. sinking down, they say, you almost feel peaceful. what was an unbearable brawling, now becomes a soft, pleasant numbness. your body feels warm and suddenly everything is okay. you no longer fight, you let yourself go completely. there is nothing unresolved anymore. no fear, no worries. your head and heart are empty, the constant buzz is gone.
i wanted to capture that feeling. giving yourself up after hours of fighting. letting go and sinking helplessly. it's not real acceptance, it's your body realising that there is no other option. it's the process of understanding that this is it. nobody will come and save you this time. they won't turn around. it's the process of waking up from delusional hope.
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