𝘏𝘌𝘠 𝘏𝘖𝘓𝘠 𝘙𝘖𝘓𝘓𝘌𝘙!

change pronouns as needed.

“ hell is a teenage girl. ”

“ i guess i’m not exactly perfect myself. ”

“ i’m kind of the shit. ”

“ they tell me everything will be okay if i just accept jesus christ into my heart. ”

“ i say the words, but nothing ever happens. nobody comes back. nobody gets off the cross. ”

“ i’m a kicker. ”

“ i recommend you shut the fuck up! ”

“ after the killings began, i started to feel … i don’t know. loose around the edges. ”

“ sandbox love never dies. ”

“ you and me are going out tonight. ”

“ i can kind of see, like, your womb, so … ”

“ ‘salty’ means ‘beautiful’. ”

“ we have stuff in common. that’s why we’re b.f.f.’s. ”

“ it smells like thai food in here. have you guys been fucking? ”

“ frankly, it’s not even a bar. It’s like a bingo hall with tabs. ”

“ you’re just jello because you’re not invited. ”

“ that place is disgusting. everyone in there has a mustache. ”

“ you’re totally jello. you’re lime green jello and you can’t even admit it to yourself. ”

“ clubs are for attractive people in populous urban areas. clubs have dj’s and champagne. all we have is a jukebox and a sticker toilet. ”

“ i can’t wait until i’m old enough to get wasted. ”

“ i’ll just play hello titty with the bartender. ”

“ i couldn’t even go to flags the next day. i had to stay home and sit on a bag of frozen peas. ”

“ you want to head somewhere safer? like my van? ”

“ oh, cheese and fries! ”

“ there’s somebody here. ”

“ what’s wrong with you? besides the obvious surface flaws. ”

“ i feel guilty just breathing. ”

“ i’m not saying that to be a dillhole. ”

“ i’m glad you didn’t die. ”

“ you and me would make a totally banging couple. ”

“ feel my heart. i think it’s broken. ”

“ i had another one of my night terrors. ”

“ well, it’s four o’ clock. so technically you had a day terror. ”

“ i dreamed some bad people were trying to nail you to a tree with hammers and big stakes and shit. ”

“ i feel so scrumptious! ”

“ goody for you. ”

“ move on dot org, [ NAME ]! ”

“ crass. it means greedy. exploitative. scummy. ”

“ i feel like boo-boo. my skin is breaking out and my hair is dull and lifeless. ”

“ i went to super target and picked up more condoms. ”

“ i mean, i thought boys like you were really into vermin, death and shit. ”

“ god, that’s so emo. ”

“ i need you frightened. i need you hopeless. ”

“ enough with the screaming. you’re such a cliche. ”

“ but we always share your bed when we have slumber parties. ”

“ i’m not going to bite you. ”

“ they’re basically like agents of satan with really awesome haircuts. ”

“ we’re in league with the beast now, and we have to make a really big impression on it. and to do that, we’re going to have to butcher you. and bleed you. ”

“ i don’t really remember what happened after that. i just know that i woke up and i found my way back to you. ”

“ you’re acting really fucked up. ”

“ i feel so empty. ”

“ god, do you have to undermine everything that i do? ”

“ you’re such a player-hater. ”

“ wow, nice insult, hannah montana! got any more harsh digs? ”

“ you were never a good friend. ”

“ i’m going to eat your soul and shit it out! ”

from the twitter NYTminuscontext. change pronouns as needed.

i don’t trust institutions. i don’t trust the art world, period.

boy, that’s relevant.

use your emojis.

you’re the stuff, you know.

do you want me to tell you the one about the horse who walks into a bar?

i have to suffer for my art.

it’s just another bird until you pray for it.

dust off some freud, rifle through the surrealists, click our heels together.

the world gotten pretty horrible in the last couple of years.

there’s something wrong with you.

her body is a broom and her hair, the bristles.

what possible wisdom could be gleaned from a painting?

she’s the same, but worse.

get out and do more while you still can.

sass is in the house!

how could you be too gay?

perspective is overrated.

woodpeckers are a dazzling life force.

i will get funny at some point.

can we stop giving money to awful people?

here’s the deal: you have two weeks to find a job.

god cares about pizza.

this is tiring, and i’m not even good at it.

albert einstein might have been an alien.

maybe you and i are part of the problem here?

i’m here to say: you were right.

i am not very good at listening.

loss is already everywhere.

instead of beer there will be mini cereal boxes.

i can’t be held responsible for every dreadful remark that escapes my mouth.

drop out, grow a beard and rebel against an official culture of lies.

i just decided: there’s nothing wrong with me.

vile little piece of sick crap.

surprisingly, i did not get many second dates with many normal people.

too late to make up an excuse and bail.

perhaps my remarks did not sound hilarious or clever. perhaps they sounded idiotic. but i did not care! i had drunk a lot.

murderous frenzy, my friend.

get me out of this mess.

you’re about to die.

just don’t! it’s that simple.

starting to feel a little, uh, boring.

you can keep your well-reasoned arguments.

all i want is a distinct sense of -- and an interest in -- the person i’m listening to. and then i want to be slapped.

we're at the ‘do-this-or-lose-my-job’ stage.

never fully repressed without a smile!

just die the regular way.

now instead of being overstimulated and awake, i’m bored and awake.

dream girl: the avenging goddess, destroyer of men.

it turns out, you actually have nothing witty to say.

is this going to be something creepy?

real talk, i have no clue.

i literally never want to see you again.

am i pouring it on thick enough?

i cannot imagine a more dispiriting and dismal evening.

i know nothing. i literally know nothing.

but who will light a sparkler and cheer for us?

eat the earth and eat all the people on it.

these comments have power because we are completely overwhelmed by their stupidity.

life has become, at best, stale and unprofitable and, at worst, a hall of horrors.

he knows nothing. he is pathetic. why did you bring me this piece of garbage?

i don’t cook and i don’t care.

i’m way too busy to spend more than an hour a day contemplating my own death.

do you promise you’re taking care of yourself?

the only thing left to do is to say less.

there’s a certain integrity in blithely refusing to care.

achieve a state of zen, mostly by drinking a steady stream of rum-and-cokes.

what if you are a sensitive and offbeat soul, determined to be an artist, but suspect you have no talent?

change pronouns as needed.

“today is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap.”

“i’m not an impulsive person.”

“i guess i just woke up in a funk this morning.”

“listen, i don’t feel very well today.”

“sand is overrated. it’s just tiny little rocks.”

“if only i could meet someone new. i guess my chances of that happening are somewhat diminished seeing that i’m incapable of making eye contact with a person i don’t know.”

“why do i fall in love with every person i see who shows me the least bit of affection?”

“i would have thought i would’ve remembered you.”

“how many hair colors could there be? fifty, maybe.”

“well, you don’t know me, so ... ”

“no jokes about my name.”

“i’m a vindictive little bitch, truth be told.”

“oh, now i’m nice? don’t you know any other adjectives?”

“i don’t need ‘nice’. i don’t need myself to be it, and i don’t need anybody else to be it at me.”

“i’m sorry i yelled at you. i’m a little out of sorts today.”

“my embarrassing admission is, i really like that you’re nice right now. i mean, i can’t tell from one moment to the next what i’m gonna like, but right now ... i’m glad you are.”

“you’re not a stalker or anything, right?”

“that’s the oldest trick in the stalker book.”

“i’m sorry if i came off sort of nutso. i’m not, really.”

“you’re kinda closed-mouthed, aren’t you?”

“i’m always anxious, thinking i’m not living my life to the fullest, taking advantage of every possibility, making sure i’m not wasting one second of the little time i have.”

“i’ll pack a picnic. a night picnic. night picnics are different.”

“i would like you to call me. would you do that?”

“wish me a happy valentine’s day when you call!”

“can i come over to your house to sleep? i’m so tired.”

“what’s your brilliant, reasoned solution?”

“this is a hoax, right?”

“she’s like that. she’s impulsive. she decided to erase you almost as a lark.”

“we want to empty your home, we want to empty your life, of [ NAME ].”

“when you awake in the morning, you’ll find yourself in your own bed as if nothing happened; a new life waiting for you.”

“just focus on the memories.”

“this place is sort of a dump, don’t you think?”

“we gotta very long night ahead of us. come on.”

“i kinda sorta wrecked your car.”

“don’t call me pathetic.”

“well, it is pathetic. it’s fucking irresponsible. could’ve killed somebody.”

“maybe you did kill somebody. should we turn on the news and see?”

“you’re freaked out because i was out late without you.”

“i assume you fucked somebody tonight. isn’t that how you get people to like you?”

“i like [ NAME ]. i like when she comes to visit. i just don’t think she likes me.”

“[ NAME ], let me drive you home. look at it out here! it’s falling apart!”

“i can’t believe you did this to me. goddammit.”

“by morning you’ll be gone! the perfect ending to this piece-of-shit story!”

“you stole a girl’s panties!”

“i’m fucking crawling out of my skin!”

“i can’t hear you. i can never the fuck understand what you’re saying.”

“blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their blunders. that’s nietzsche. beyond good and evil.”

“you don’t tell me things. i’m an open book, i tell you everything. every damn embarrassing thing.”

“constantly talking isn’t necessarily communication.”

“people have to share things. that’s what intimacy is.”

“i’m really pissed that you said that to me.”

“hey, would you do me a favor and clean the goddamn hair off the soap when you’re done in the shower?”

“where’s the self-help section?”

“do you think i’m ugly?”

“you look at a baby, and it’s so pure and so free, and so clean. and adults are, like, this mess of sadness and phobias.”

“i feel like i’m disappearing. my skin’s coming off! i’m getting old!”

“i could die right now, [ NAME ]. i’m just happy. i’ve never felt that before. i’m just exactly where i want.”

“am i ugly? when i was a kid, i thought i was. i can’t believe i’m crying already.”

“let me keep this memory. just this one.”

“don’t make me run anymore.”

“i need it to stop before i wake up and i don’t know you anymore.”

“you know me. i’m impulsive.”

“that’s what i love about you.”

“would you hate me if i asked you to clean some string beans?”

“oh my god, i love this kitchen.”

“no one ever looks at me.”

“i would die for a vodka.”

“this is sort of warped.”

“i just said that i don’t know what to do.”

“now, look, you’re freaking me out.”

“i don’t want him to see me stoned.”

“hide me somewhere deeper, somewhere really buried.”

“hide me in your humiliation.”

“i’m just gonna ask you in the morning.”

“i wish i knew you when i was a kid.”

“i’m telling you right off the bat, i’m high maintenance.”

“too many guys think i’m a concept, or i complete them, or i’m gonna make them alive. but i’m just a fucked-up girl who’s looking for my own peace of mind. don’t assign me yours.”

“i still thought you were gonna save my life, even after that.”

“it would be different if we could just give it another go around.”

“remember me. try your best.”

“it was so intimate. like we were already lovers.”

“i think your name is magical.”

“i really should go. i’ve gotta catch my ride.”

“i thought maybe you were a nut. you were exciting.”

“i wish you’d stayed.”

“i wish i stayed too.”

“you looked happy. happy with a secret.”

“i feel like you’re mad at me, and i don’t know what i did.”

“i love you so much. i’ll do anything to make you happy.”

“i’ve been thinking lately, how i was before and how i am now, and it’s like he changed me. i feel like i’m always pissy now.”

“i don’t like myself when i’m with him.”

“the bloom is certainly fucking off the rose at this point.”

“i’m not perfect.”

“i can’t see anything that i don’t like about you. right now i can’t.”

from the twitter NYTminuscontext !! some funny stuff, some melancholy, all vague. change pronouns as needed.

hug clowns, beg for pizza.

just how much rudeness is there?

damn it, now i’m going to have to think.

it’s books and books alone that make me not want to die.

i think it’s a mistake they are allowing me to graduate.

i think it’s the mumps.

only hedonists have babies.

are you scared? if not, you should be.

thrilling -- like taking an art class.

there is going to be a certain amount of rabble-rousing.

now you’re going to see them over and over and over and over until you are ashamed.

why do you have to be so mean?

the little mermaid is actually pretty huge.

send a salami to your boy.

time feels at once inconceivable and heartbreakingly normal.

why is the moon everywhere?

is there anything more awkward than being pitied?

my vagina is magic.

all this stupid sadness is chewing at my intellect.

but i like pancakes.

i don’t, quote, ‘have anything to do.’

how can you be so many women to so many strange people, oh you strange girl?

ideal literary dinner party is one that nobody is invited to.

some medical experts are skeptical about the idea of building relationships around a psychotropic substance.

a gadget you wear on your finger that uses sound to startle you awake every three minutes for an hour, just before you go to sleep.

i hereby proclaim myself the president.

people just don’t do this sort of thing.

look — there goes a man in a plaid shirt.

all you can do is act normal and pretend it didn’t happen.

it’s really rare that reading is unaccompanied by guilt.

what, are you going to be stupid and mean?

oh my god, her butt.

ears don’t have lids.

i don’t cook. i hate cooking, and i never cook. but i like to eat.

no one can help you.

almost everyone was, at one point, high on something.

it is a crime to kill an innocent human, but not to kill an innocent tapeworm.

i don’t feel like i know very much.

thank your body parts for their hard work.

it says here that your testicles could swell up.

lives don’t necessarily end.

what do you call that feeling when you’re certain that the world is doomed?

reading is better than life. without reading, you’re stuck with life.

you could do anything you wanted. you could eat a watermelon in the subway.

emotions won’t get you far.

you know what else? your orgasms will be weak.

we are ready, sir; are angry, are capable, our hopes are coiled up so tight as to be deadly, or holy: turn us loose, sir, let us at it.

trust animals, but not people.

stayed up until 1:30 a.m. creating a chart of all of the pens i currently own.

if you can, forget about everything.

if i get psychologically healthy i’ll lose my edge.

we have no strategy.

there is no longer enough in the world.

sometimes i felt scared, sometimes i felt as if i was going to start crying, and the entire time i felt self-conscious.

nothing is more obscene than redemption.

really, what is there to say when you’re standing right next to death?

what’s with all the lingo?

what’s a thing that you like? i’ll attach something you don’t like to it.

set yourself on fire.

what are people for?

we all had dreams when we were younger.

almost all people regard tapeworms as incapable of innocence.

it’s a saturday night and i’m eating my dinner while staring out my window into the dining room of the family across from me.

another word for boredom is depression.

on the other hand, nobody was stabbed to death.

go out and get really down. there’s a multitude of things that will oblige you in misery.

it still frightens people: a young woman in power.

100 percent of the time, you’re less funny than you think you are.

i do drink alcohol, but at least i don’t drink the blood of the poor.

at once the best and dumbest idea i’ve ever heard.

i for some reason relish people being angry with me.

he appears to want primal experiences which are meaningful and cruel. so do i. so do i.

lots of superheroes could benefit from therapy.

foreskins come and foreskins go! but mozart lasts forever.

nothing real succeeds.

how very white and male.

the dream means having no job security and almost everything being too expensive to do.

just do whatever you want.

the first thing out of everyone’s mouth was “i hate that guy.”

the world is an endlessly benevolent place.

someone at work sucked my toes.

i’ve got a big mouth and drink too much.

there must be a stable of morons somewhere kept exclusively for this purpose.

the only train i’m getting on is the locomotive accelerating into the future.

we could turn the world off, then on again, in an attempt to reset it.

people confuse sucking up to the rich and famous with spirituality.

bringing up a completely undamaged child was in bad taste.

this is so beyond stupid.

bullies must be brought down, hypocrites must be exposed, and the weak must be protected.

i think i like stressing myself out.

when i catch you, the e.r. nurse is going to pick your teeth out of my elbow the way mamaw picked raisins out of her slice of cake.

my enjoyment is somewhat marred by how bad i am.

i believe the clinical term is “hot mess.”

give me a few hints on how to do the things that people do when they do things.

i use this term advisedly: blow me.

why are you forcing me to be mean today?

anybody who says a donkey is stubborn has been outsmarted by a donkey.

if the stuff doesn’t kill you or blind you, it isn’t that bad.

this tastes alive. this tastes vibrant. it tastes like fresh dirt.

the irony was not lost on me, someone who finds irony in things.

my secret: every day i anticipate things will go horribly wrong.

if i’m not worried, i don’t feel alive.

don’t trust people who everyone likes.

be the enlightened, compassionate voice of reason and revenge.

[4/24/2017 10:34:44 PM] (Julie) cat whisperer xx: millie: i can't believe you made me read that with my own three eyes someone: ?? three?? millie: oh sorry millie: i can't believe you made me read that with my own five eyes

change pronouns as needed.

if you must blink, do it now.

pay careful attention to everything you see and hear, no matter how unusual it may seem.

if you fidget. if you look away. if you forget any part of what i tell you, even for an instant, then our hero will surely perish.

that really is the least of it.

i got two pennies and a lint ball.

you can’t leave!

then what happened? what happened when he got to the castle?

never forget how much he loved you, [NAME].

he died protecting us.

what do you think? i got all spruced up for the big day.

not just a pretty face, huh?

with every day that goes by, she drifts further away.

i don’t think she remembers what’s real anymore.

fine! i don’t need you anyway!

what happened to your eye?

who are you? how do you know my name?

your enemies aren’t far behind.

once we’re inside, you might be tempted to complain about the odor. keep in mind my sense of smell is ten times stronger than yours.

you have questions. i can tell. you get three.

i’m here to protect you, and that means you have to do as i say.

if you don’t eat, you’ll be weak. if you’re weak, you’ll be slow. if you’re slow, you’ll die.

you better start taking this seriously. this is real. this isn’t a story.

he’s been standing there for hours. quietly judging us.

you’re growing stronger. you might not want look quite so pleased about that.

do you ever say anything encouraging?

i encourage you not to die.

you may think you’re the great hero, but heroes come and go. any moment, something terrible could come out of nowhere.

i still think i’m going to stab him.

you’ve got my attention. i promise i won’t even blink.

it could be a trap.

what? it’s not a trap if you do it!?

ha ha ha ha! the mighty [NAME] is victorious!

you’re an embarrassment.

uh. this is problematic.

stop wriggling. there ... is that feeling better?

what were we ‘grown-up conversation’-ing about?

it’s not your fault. there’s no sense left in your head.

well, i won’t look directly into anyone’s eyes. even if i’m being incredibly sincere.

i felt loss only once.

it never fails to amaze me, how the creatures down here fight so hard, just to die another day!

down here, there are days worth fighting for.

she was so strong -- love made her weak!

no, love made me stronger!

in recognizing his compassion i recognized my own.

i spared his life. he gave me mine.

i see double the truth.

is this a good dream or a bad dream?

fly home, [NAME].

you’re old, and mean, and cruel.

is that right? and how does this story end?

how mortal!

you want to be human? then share their weakness! suffer their humiliation! feel their pain!

this was a happy story. but it could still be a whole lot happier.