memories from my multiply

there is a lot of restrictions living with this woman, that is why i was so reluctant to move with her. i thought i'd finally have the space for myself and do whatever i want redecorating the apartment when she wanted to move. not only we have different interior decoration ideas, we also have different sleeping patterns, our heat, noise and smell tolerance are different. i already knew she would be so triggered by noise from next door constructions, but what i didn't expect was the noise from another neighbour scolding her kids and the dogs' barking. apart from the space (hmm, if I get the apartment by myself I'd have all the space) and the new shops in the neighbourhood I get to explore, I'd still prefer to stay in the previous condo. and fuck the mosquitoes.

i have been feeling so hot lately, i'm not even sure if this is the heat due to the weather, the house structure, or i am experiencing hot flashes in perimenopause. this house has been so warm all the time except that one week that was considered normal temperature for me. on the really hot days where i'd feel my back burning in the bed, i'd just leave the room door wide open. but to her, when it was already that kind of hot for me, she would still shut the door.

she will not agree to getting to an aircond for the room. the cost of the unit, the bill that will come with its use, etc.. my only solution would be sleeping in the back room or in my study.

anyway, the kind freedom i'd want are (the kind of freedom of living alone):

to sleep naked

to put mirrors where I want

to own shoes however i like, how many i want

to actually buy things for my own hobby and not feel like they are taking up HER space

to buy furniture i like without having to consult her

to stock up things in my own fridge

to set up stations for work that doesn't become eyesore to anyone else or restricting her space. omg i set up my photography station and felt judged for leaving it there up to 3 days. iwasn't even done shooting yet and i felt i had to clean it up already

i don't have to explain why i buy certain things

i don't have to explain where i spend time and not coming back yet

i don't have to tell anyone if i want to go out

i don't have to check anyone's schedule before making a plan

to make and fail in whatever ways in baking or trying new recipes without being judged or criticised, or kaypo-ed

i can actually have peace and freedom in getting friends or potential partner over.

I will fund FAL with my surplus, not from scarcity. I will donate with my extra money, I prioritise my wellbeing and my parents' first. I want my parents to have things now, as they sacrificed for me, for our family back then. I want them to have access, not to feel restricted when they want to use money.

Single of Married? LY probably started seeing how free I am being single, not attached with a problematic person, or someone who doesn't love her as deeply as before. I still would like to get married one day, being committed with someone and practice what I have learned about living in harmony with the other half. Right now I am feeling fulfilled being single, ready to be with a person long term, who would be a plus in my life. I would learn to see from their perspective, their way of thinking, and not expecting them to do what I feel they should from my own POV, but learning their thought process, so I don't feel disappointed with their actions when they don't meet my expectation. BB is in such a happy place now, she has been through the tough times of being with a person who is too kind it brings problems back to her. I am truly happy for her.

Decision making. I thought I was annoyed by how they cared for each other, but after "the effect" spilled over to me, I realised it was how they kept changing or questioning someone's decision. I realised my sisters and I and some of my friends are such decisive person. Yes means Yes and No is No. Not like after you ask me 2-3 times 你确定吗 I will become 不确定. My sisters make one decision with certain reasons or sometimes based on gut feeling, and we set sail and go for it. With some people like N, WL, LY and husband, they keep "checking-in" with our decisions out of "好心" but they do not know how annoying that is. I STAND BY MY OWN DECISION. We will change our decision on our own terms, not because you ask me to. Moreover, I can't be persuaded by someone who hasn't earned my respect, or someone who doesn't even make sound decisions themselves. This is ridiculous.

Kids. I have been sure for over 20 years that I do not want to have kids, with my reasons. When N had the reaction about my friend conceiving naturally and giving birth recently, she gave out an expression that really annoyed me. I love my friends' children and I do not hate children, I just hate the way the people are trying to persuade others to have kids just because they think it can save the world or how having children completes a person.

Solo Trip and Creative Retreat. I really appreciate this solo trip, or in fact, any solo trip. It gives me space to observe others, feel what I think, stay away from things to protect my energy, which I intentionally did it a few times in this trip especially with the presence of the big group. I felt my inside thriving and full of joy when I did the fun dive, swam back to the shore, took the Grab to lunch, ran along the seaside, and ran back in hot sun, doing shit in that tiny room, and walking along Cherating beach and sitting in the cafe for two hours reading and drawing. I felt energised. I am thriving doing things solo and being productive. That led me to want to set up my room and living room in a surf cafe theme, and also spend a few days to two weeks doing a creative retreat. A sabbatical.

Overthink, overexplain, overanalyse. I trust my gut feeling. That is also with enough research and experience in the past, that allows me to make quick decisions. I do not like to make assumptions and I hate it when people speak about my assumption as the truth. I told someone I might want to help my friend during her confinement, and it turned into I WILL be going away to do the confinement. This is what happens when words get to a group of people and with someone who ALWAYS misheard or misinterpret a message.

昨晚十点多就去睡觉，算是熟睡了，突然间听到大姐在外面讲话声，就爬起来看发生了什么事。朦朦胧胧只听见她在大骂隔壁的狗很吵，气冲冲走回房间很厌烦的讲整晚都不能睡，被狗吵死了。坐在那里按手机，不知道干嘛。我躺下来继续睡。她躺下后念了几声不知道什么。狗还在不停的吠。可以感觉她的烦躁。我开始在心里念“南无大悲观世音菩萨”，想说念十次，不知不觉还没念完狗就停止吠了。

走出去骂人肯定没有用，搞到自己又气，别人也气。谁听到谁的心情都受影响。隔壁的妈妈也束手无策。我们作为邻居的能怎样？爱狗的人也给不到你合适的劝告。

i was so inspired by the simple decorations with those framed artwork, photographs and the simple furniture. i was so inspired by the simple bookshelf and magazines.

i want to make my room or living to have this kind of vibe, where i can sit quietly in the corner and create. i was flowing. i believe the environment can be created in my studio and in the living room.

i will need some framed images hung on the wall, like dad suggested.

oh my god. i've been subtly annoyed by something between them, and then i was confused by my feeling, and after some observation, now i realised why.

when someone has made a decision, another person questions it.

for example, "i am not hungry, i don't want to eat." would be responded with, "you want to eat this bread? you want to drink this tea? or you want to eat something else? you didn't eat much you sure you don't want to eat something?".

hello? which part of the answer you don't understand ah?

when they have made a plan that sounded sensible, the next day they question their flow. they either forget about it, or they simply don't make it happen because someone "wants" to do something that is added into the itinerary. Urm, excuse me, I didn't know your full plan so I didn't know I was disrupting the plan because I saw something interesting and you didn't think about adjusting the timing?

and when they already know there is a time constraint, they rush in the beginning, but take their time off-routing (chit-chatting while making a stop along the journey.

omg i cannot with this time management.

and then one person keeps overanalysing, over-explaining, making assumptions, sometimes overreacting to a new idea, an opinion, or a decision. i cannot with this level of sampat-ness.

the most obvious change turning 40 is the physical changes. the change in eyesight, the saggy butt when i looked into the mirror last month, the tiredness in the eyes, the pale lips, the sleep-deprived tiredness. these are not just the tiredness of what a mother of this age feels, me as a single woman who has my own responsibilities, i believe no less important than a mother's just different priorities, feel it too. and so i need to choose where to put my limited energy in. i can no longer accept or do everything (good) that is offered to me. i need to let go of some things that i can't handle at the moment. i don't think that is being selfish, but choosing where i am able to contribute my time and effort into without depleting my energy trying to fulfil many at the same time.

住landed house真的一堆鸟事，就明白为什么condo要缴maintenance fee。

搬进landed house到目前为止，屋顶漏水，生锈的水管，不干净的水源，水压低，隔壁的狗吠，老狗臭味，邻居骂孩子，推销员来敲门，屋主不停来监工，下午热到死，窗口好多（要清理），gate要自己下车开关等等。

inspired by Eileen Gu

what did i do today:

woke up at 9am, robot cleaned the house

showered and did laundry

sent photo to sister

posted my morning walk

edited FAL for TedX write up

uploaded A Day at GK photos

BIA work and sent invoice and t-shirt design

took a call from DW to continue working on PD map

cooked lunch

invited friends to come on Sunday

taobao and shopee to check on toilet roll holder, mirror, etc

it was too hot to use my brain to work! excuses.

went to nap at 3.30pm and woke up at 5.30pm, so drowsy

started raining a bit but still so hot

thinking i should start journaling and what to write. maybe a reflection on something bothering me, ie janice's attitude as a club member

sewn japanese curtain

bought the toilet roll holder

i need to make a new to-do list that work

have i used this title before?

anyway, i have been feeling very unmotivated to do any work lately. i need the money but i cant bring myself to do the work at all. or i have even benefited from the job already by i havent even produced any work in return. the jobs are piling. i would be eager to do something at the time of the discussion but when it comes to real work, i have nothing to push me forward to do it. what is happening to me? how can i change this? i know i have to do them but i just couldn't care more.

i guess i am really tired and uninspired. i'd rather cook, sleep, swim, do sports, watch videos, doom scrolling, spending future money; than being a responsible person.

at this stage i am this unreliable person to handle jobs.

even now, as i'm typing this and had a list of tasks i should do by this week, i am thinking about going to sleep so that i have the energy to do whatever tomorrow. but when tomorrow comes, i am back to this procrastinating bitch.

3pm–4.30pm

The Campus Ampang, 25m pool

1. Warm up: 200m swim any style.

2. Breathhold max, with fin. First attempt 50m; 2nd 50+, 3rd 60m

3. Group of 3-4, walk under water holding weights. 400m taking turns. Good practice for duckdive and CO2 tolerace, stress-handling, teamwork.

4. Lactic acid activation 12 minutes. Finning at the deep end for 30 seconds, rest 30 seconds. Keep to the same position and elbows above water (with long fins)

this is what i am feeling today

unmotivated, lonely, frustration, uninspired, my mind was everywhere.

there are so many things i need to do but i don't want to do it

there many thing that i want to do but can't find the right place to start doing it

im starting to feel like i've been pushed to do many things that i dont want to do lately. things just get ordered on me and i've been reluctant to do them, or i just do it because it is my job. i have no will to do it from my heart. i simply complete a task at a standard that i want to keep, or based on the standard when i was most passionate. and that probably has caused me a lot of stress and dissatisfaction, and feeling burnt-out lately.

plus the computer is old, some keys on the keyboard are getting unresponsive. on the other hand, i am so annoyed by keyboard on the laptop giving me double spacing, which is troublesome. maybe I should bring it to fix already RM750 byebye? and if i am going to get the new imac, another RM6K to 10K will fly out, considering I will need to get apple care, the accessories and also software. not sure how much can i get to trade in my old imac though. i do not have space for that for sure. oh my god and it is going to take time to transfer everything from old to new mac. because i want to sort out things that i don't need anymore.

and then i felt really lonely, i need a hug.

and then i walked into the kitchen and the stove and floor were wet, the wall is dirty and the windows greasy and dusty. i want to change that, repaint the wall, get a new stove cabinet and a new wall protection, no more cardboard or aluminium please. and if i could get a kitchen hood i would too.

the next time i bump into cleaning lady at the condo, i'm going to ask her if she can help clean the house. i want someone to help wipe down all the windows, doors and anything that has greasy dust or black mold on it. i don't want to waste my time getting frustrated over it. or hearing my mom complain about it. i want to change the kitchen. fix the fridge, fix the water heater, get rid of cockroaches, change the bathroom doors.

maybe when i get back to swimming again i will find more motivation to do things. right now im just lacking will power. hate to socialise. want to sleep as much as i can. want to work with new people. want to work with smart and inspiring people.

please give me an access to reach a god designer to take my place in my full time job because i'm dread going there. i cant focus and unmotivated to do any work there. i dont want to go and clean things everytime i'm there, losing my energy feeling everything needs to be clean, and yes they do because it is always so dusty.

Curing procrastination is less about managing your time and more about managing your emotions. 

1. “Neurotic Perfectionist” – fear of weakness, depend on deadline, fear of being not  good enough, feeling of shame and inadequacy.

=> You are enough. Let go of sky-high expectations. Prioritising getting started and getting done, over getting perfect.

make to-do-list: break it down into smaller tasks. 

“Perfection is an illusion; good is good enough.”

2. “Chronic Worrier” – fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, always getting ready to get ready. Analysis paralysis – intellectualising instead of taking action. 

3 “Rebellious procrastinator” – resentment and defiance, feelings of being wronged leads them to rebel against their work. Blame others to avoid getting blamed. 

=> Forgiveness. forgive those who have wronged you, rejected you or hurt you, forgive yourself. Let go of your anger, liberate your strength.

Anxiety, discomfort, fear... will eventually manifest within your body. Stiff neck, lower back pain... =>get a massage, yoga, exercise--- to sooth and loosen tensed muscles, bring some relaxation and balance to your body. 

Escape from isolation. Connect/work with people, get you out of your head, and into your heart. 

I was listening to a book summary on leadership. There are two main leadership styles—transactional leadership and transformational leadership. Transactional leadership is I instruct you to do work, you do the work for me and I give you back in bonus. Transformational leadership is about elevating people’s morals. 

4 kinds of transformational leaderships

authentic leadership (transparency, genuine, intrapersonal apprach)

servant leadership (listen first, interest of the followers first, help them reach goals, build community)

adaptive leadership (help followers deal with change, identify problem and find solution, see big picture, regulate distress

inclusive leadership (value belongingness, uniqueness)

XXX destructive leadership

# Leaders are not supposed to be directors. It’s vital to rpovide direction, but also make sure followers know they are an integral part of achieving group goals. 

Lately, I gain ideas and solutions to problems through sitting for 20 minutes in meditation. Yes, I had a lot going on inside my head when I sit. 

I usually started by observing my breathing, or thinking about the crystal I am holding. And then I let my mind wanders, and I come back to my breathing, back and forth. Sometimes I just let my mind wander, probably with awareness, because I was getting somewhere with the thoughts.

Today, I was holding amethyst and smokey quartz while meditating, I observe the sensations from top to bottom and back to top. While doing so, I kept feeling a dark purple liquid flowing down from the top. At that same time, I was thinking about 3ee. I thought of going to her house to help do cleaning. I wonder if it needs cleaning because the house always seems to be quite tidy. But I think there are some very old things that are still stored in the house, because 3ee is a very frugal person. Since she has broken her leg and fractured arm, I guess she is sleeping in the room at downstairs next to bathroom. That is an old house, and a house that feels quite sentimental to me too. I hope to go and do something for the house to give it a new energy. Perhaps I should also ask the daughters and sons to come along and help out. I’m not sure how will it work but let’s think about it in the next mediation.

Another ideas I had was, to write our path signages by starting with, This way to... 

had a good chat with the other 2 today. mainly to rant but also with some sort of problem-solving ideas throwing in.

we were trying to pin point what are the problems, by spreading out some past incidents, really looked into what why how all of that happened, and came to an agreement that we can’t keep going on like this anymore. although we know we are very short-staffed, and this is conflicts are probably part of the process of building a new business together. at least the 4 of us are on the same page about the problems we are facing now. just realised the most troublesome people is right there in the room from the beginning. 

after all these talks, i felt something lifted off my chest a bit. we really talked it out, among the 4 of us.

but then another news came in, it’s a good news but it will affect the trip. i think i need to come out with a plan of the trip for myself. i want to see the mountains and museums and of course my best friend! the conference is just an excuse honestly.

SH presented his ES outline to me and i totally think course previews should be done this way. clear and concise and don’t take up much time, and don’t leave people still with vague idea of what is the course about. we need those course outlines! we need to give people a clearer idea on what to expect and especially don’t make mistakes in the checklists later.

anyway, with the coaching by SH, i feel like i will find something useful to me, which is next time, i probably will know what to ask from a client when getting in new jobs. i’m quite excited about this already.