instant mashed chelsea

12:00pm, Wednesday –  I left LAX at noon, headed for Chicago Midway. While in the air, I noticed on the in-flight map showing our flight path, that we were circling in southern Wisconsin. Shortly after this observation, the pilot announces bad weather in Chicago, unable to land because of it, hence the circling while waiting for a window. However, we had circled for so long that we were now low on fuel, and had to divert to Minneapolis to gas up. Once we landed at MSP, we are informed that we would have gone to MKE (Milwaukee), but they were completely full from other planes, also diverted from Chicago. The crew mentioned that currently no planes in, no planes out at MDW. We on the ground in Minneapolis for about 90 minutes. Never deplaned because we weren’t even at a normal Southwest gate because literally all of the other gates were full.

9:00pm – We land at MDW. Even though all flights departing Chicago had been delayed, including my connecting flight to Baltimore, I was not confident in making it all the way to Portland. Because of previous flight experience, I was aware that a flight crew can “time out”, meaning the crew would exceed the maximum number of hours, legally allowed on duty. Before boarding in Chicago for Baltimore, I spoke with the gate/desk agent, explicitly about the possibility of the crew timing out once landing in Baltimore. She said it should be fine, not a problem, don’t worry about it. Asked because I’d rather bail out in Chicago at 9pm than get cancelled on in Baltimore at 2am. Reluctantly, I boarded the plane. We sat on the plane with the boarding door open for an hour at least, as one by one, more passengers arrived from other delayed flights. And with each late passenger, I regretted my decision to stay on the plane. Finally departed Chicago ~11:30pm.

2:00am, Thursday – Landed in Baltimore. This was supposed to be a connecting flight for me, and I should have continued on to Portland on the same plane I was already on, not having to get off. Waited for everyone to get off the plane, minus other Portland passengers, and then the captain announces that we will not be continuing on to Portland. I fucking called it.

Deplaned. Waited in line to talk to the gate agent. While in line, I made small talk with the woman who just finished rebooking and said she now has to fly into Boston instead of Portland, because the earliest flight she could get on,  wouldn’t have her in Portland until after 10pm. Fuck. When it was my turn, I tell the gate agent to put me on the 6:30am back to Chicago/MDW, boarding in 3.5 hours. Figured my dad could pick me up in Chicago, I would rebook for Saturday, and spend Thursday/Friday working from my parents house and hanging with my fam. At the time, returning to Chicago seemed more reasonable to me than waiting in Baltimore airport for the next 16+ hours.

I get my new boarding pass and flight voucher for $350. Talked to a different gate agent about luggage, since I had 2 checked bags (I NEVER check a bag, but since it was free, I went for it). She was friendly, but did not have answers, and said I can talk to the folks in Southwest Baggage claim. I would have to go through security again to re-enter the terminal, which was currently closed, re-opening at 3:30am, none of which would be a problem.

3:00am – I found somewhere to sit and charge my phone, laptop, headphones, all nearly dead. Took my contacts out and retrieved my glasses from the bottom of my backpack. I called MB about then, since he said he would be checking his phone, as he was tentatively picking me up in Portland ~3:45am. After my devices had charged, I exited the airport and went to baggage claim. Found a counter of surprisingly bright eyed ladies. Explained my situation, and they very kindly said my bags would be continuing on to Portland, and I would not be able to redirect them to Chicago nor able to access them at the time. Laaaame.

3:45am – Left baggage claim. Figured since I had exited the terminal, I would step outside for some “fresh air”. To my surprise, it was ~85°F and humid. Unexpected. Sticky. Regardless, I sat on a bench outside of the airport, and watched a whole scout troop walk by. Each of these probably 11-14 year olds were lugging duffel bags the size of themselves, and all wearing K/N95 masks. I was genuinely surprised and frankly, impressed.

4:00am – Went though security. Literally the only person in line + TSA Pre-check made the whole process less than a minute. This is when I started feeling tired and began questioning my return to Chicago plan. Learning I wouldn’t be able to access or redirect my bags was a pretty big turn off. Not impossible, but also not ideal. Sorta mindlessly I opened the Southwest app and saw there was a 2:15pm Baltimore to Portland flight, 2 seats available. 10 more hours. That didn’t seem so bad. I looked into changing my flight to Chicago but couldn’t do it in the app. Found a quiet spot, opened my laptop and called Southwest Customer service. I explained my sitch and the woman on the phone was so, so nice and so helpful. Within a few minutes, I was rebooked for 2:15pm, BWI → PWM. Perfect. Texted updates to my dad and MB, contacted my manager to let her know I’d be extending my PTO by a day, and headed for the Chic-Fil-A, knowing they were minutes from opening at 5am.

5:15am – Chick’n Biscuit acquired. I started scoping out potential nap spots. Walked to the far end of Concourse A, found a dim area and tried to settle in. All of the chairs had arms. Tried lying on the floor for a bit. Could not get comfortable. Didn’t help that my pillow (backpack) contained 2 laptops, hardcover sketchbooks, and exclusively other chunky and uncomfortable objects. It was at about this point when I googled “sleeping at BWI”, knowing I’m not the first and there’s gotta be a resource for this. An article mentioned arm-free seats in Concourse C, so I packed up and went to investigate.

6:00am – As I headed down the terminal to C, I saw it. An empty gate with long rows of connected seats, arms every 5 chairs or so. A miracle. Did my best to adjust my blocky backpack pillow and laid down. Noise cancelling headphones in and threw on the sleep mask I had just picked up in one of the little airport shops. I was tired, but apparently not tired enough to fall asleep. After 30 minutes or so, I gathered my things and decided to scope out the rest of the C concourse. Stopped for a bagel. It was speaking to me. Carried my snack all the way to the end of C and sat down to eat.

6:45am - Airport was filling in. So much busier than the few hours prior. Everyone around me had coffee and in theory it sounded delicious, but knew it wasn’t a good move if I wanted to sleep. I headed back to the arm-less chairs. On my way, I spotted another empty gate. No place to stretch out but it had a dim corner that looked inviting. Sat down and scrolled on my phone for a bit. Managed to actually get kinda comfortable, but quickly became chilled from the blasting AC and lack of windows. Nope. Back to the armless chairs. I must’ve been tired enough this time because I think I actually fell asleep. My Whoop says I napped from 8:45-11:07am, so there’s that.

11:30am – Picked up an absurd portion of food from Qdoba. Figured since it was nearing noon, I allowed myself to get coffee and walked all the way down Concourse B for Starbucks. Once my hands were full, made the trek back to Concourse A, where my 2:15pm flight was to depart from. Found a good spot with an outlet and enjoyed my lunch.

1:45pm – Boarding time for my 2:15pm flight, but as I approached the gate, realized the arriving flight was still deplaning, pretty good indication that I had some time. It was about then I noticed the sky and saw it getting dark in the distance. Cool. Found a spot to sit and settled in. After a short while, announcement in the boarding area: Delayed until 2:45. I didn’t hear the whole thing, but I assumed weather related.

2:45pm – Apparently the delay was not weather related, because the next boarding area announcement was regarding an essential valve on the plane that was not opening. The captain relayed to the gate agent that if they can get the valve open, we fly. If they can’t open it, no flight. Goddammit. Received a text update saying we’re delayed until 3:30pm.

3:00pm – I head for the bathroom. On my way back from the bathroom, I heard another gate announcement: “Portland, Maine now Gate B4” – and an absolute heard of people walking down the concourse. Obviously I hadn’t heard the full announcement, but I’m gonna assume the valve situation was not resolved, yet by some miracle there was another plane available. I started following the group. Text update came in saying delayed until 4:03pm, which was more than fine, because at least we had a plane to get on.

3:45pm – Boarded and by 4:30pm, in the air. I was not going to get excited about being home until we were actually on the ground in Maine.

6:00pm – Landed in Portland. Went down to baggage claim. Waited. And waited some more. Waited until the only folks left were people I recognized from also standing in line at 2:00am about rebooking. They didn’t have their bags either. Turns out our luggage came in on an earlier flight, thank god. Retrieved both of mine and bolted for the exit, as MB was ready and waiting for me in the parking lot.

I can only tell you how *I feel*.

I feel disappointed and frustrated when you deny or argue things that are quoted back to you verbatim. It creates a sense of confusion and undermines my trust in our shared experiences. I want a relationship where we can openly discuss and reflect on past conversations without doubting the accuracy of our recollections.

I feel concerned and resentful when you use white lies or untruths to tell a story or for explanation. It leaves me feeling uncertain about the honesty, trust, and authenticity in our relationship. I value open and transparent communication, as honesty and integrity are fundamental to me. I believe that being truthful, even in storytelling, is foundational. I want an environment where we can speak our truth without fear of deception.

I feel invalidated and confused when you are not transparent, and defensive when asked to provide clarification. It leaves me feeling excluded from your thoughts and experiences, and it makes me question whether my understanding or perspective is valued. I want a safe space where I can ask questions without fear of judgment or defensiveness.

I feel confused and distant when you use hyperbolic language in a vague manner, opposed to exaggeration for obvious emphasis. It makes it challenging for me to understand your true feelings and intentions, leaving me uncertain about how to respond or connect with you. I want to share a clear, genuine expression of emotion.

I feel frustrated, disconnected, and small when you use uncommon expressions, terms, metaphors during our conversations, causing interruptions as I ask for explanations. It makes me feel like our communication is hindered, and I want a smoother flow of understanding between us.

I feel overwhelmed and frustrated when you consistently engage in people-pleasing behavior. It creates an imbalance in our relationship dynamics and neglects your own needs and desires. I believe that healthy relationships involve mutual respect and consideration for each other's well-being, and I want a more balanced and authentic connection.

I feel worried and powerless when you are unable to acknowledge your own self-destructive behavior. It makes me feel helpless because I care about your well-being and want to support you. I believe that recognizing and addressing our destructive patterns is crucial for not only a healthy and thriving relationship, but critical for self-reflection and personal growth.

I feel concerned and saddened when you pretend to be okay when you are not. It makes me worry about your well-being and leaves me feeling like I am unable to support you fully. I desire a relationship where we can openly share our emotions and vulnerabilities, knowing that we can rely on each other for comfort and understanding.

I feel invalidated and frustrated when you present back information or ideas as your own, even though they originated from me. It leaves me feeling disregarded and unacknowledged for my contributions to our conversations and the relationship as a whole. When you present information or ideas that were initially mine back to me or to others, it creates a sense of discomfort and resentment. It makes me question the value you place on my thoughts and opinions. I believe that true partnership involves recognizing and appreciating each other's insights and giving credit where it is due.

being home is hard. being home with my dad in my parents house is really, really hard. everything is real here, there’s no escaping it.

the last 2 weeks in maine were a break in the bleakness, a distraction. but being back here is so fucking hard.

I’m not just sad, I’m uncomfortable. falling asleep last night was painful, and having rough evening this time around.

everything is worse at night. the reality is no different come morning, but the ability to carry it all feels more manageable with the new day and rest.

this is permission

to forgive my past self

for what i did not know before

my mom asked how i was doing this morning. told her we’re getting breakfast ice cream and sent her these.