Diary of So Random

I’m Fighting For Her

She was sixteen, scrawny little black girl

Constantly in her Lala land escaping the real world

Her smile and joy was a light to others

But little did they know the mental battles she faced one after another

She avoided the mirror like it was her enemy

Constantly judging herself on who she wants to be

Adding chemicals and junk in her hair

Anything to fit society’s beauty, boy was that a scare

I’m Fighting For Her

She was in her twenty’s skewed by what love really is

Married so quickly when she truly wasn’t fully his

Anxiety driven, feeling trapped with no oxygen to breathe

Losing herself in the process, depression hit with that grief

She fought as long as she could as her twenties was passing by

Making a choice of letting go any dreams for this guy

Secrets she kept to her self so people wouldn’t worry

Because of the suppressed feelings, her memory of marriage became blurry

I’m Fighting For Her

She just made it to her thirty plus years

Fighting back and rebuking her fears

She’s fighting everything to restore and reclaim

Silenced for too long, igniting her dreams again that burns inside like a flame

Making choices not to spiral downhill like she used to 

Changes in life, starting over, her joy is something new

I’m Fighting For Her

To keep that glow, that light, that once grew dim

Laughter from the pit of her belly, no longer playing victim

She’s making choices everyday

To keep her head up even when days aren’t always okay

I’m Fighting For Her

Sixteen

Twenties

Now into Thirties

Dear Dark Skin

I apologize for trying to hide your beauty within

I tried my hardest to wipe away what God created

And instead of being elated

I treated you like trash

Forgive me for that backlash

I wore dark color clothes to hide away from the spotlight

Instead of thinking God made you wrong, I should’ve known He had it right

Although there’s many who pushed you to the back

There is nothing that you lack

Please forgive me Dark Skin

I didn’t have your back

Dear Dark Skin

I pushed you away so many years

Hiding away with my unspoken tears

Wishing you could be lighter although …

You were meant to be created darker…

Not even realizing your worth in that melanin fire

I wish I applauded you earlier and boosted your confidence a little higher

But instead allowed you to be quiet and told you to shut up

Again, instead of realizing your worth, I gave up

Dark Dark Skin, I was afraid please forgive me for I didn’t know the power you held

Just having my head held high and yet… I failed…

I failed to see the absolute Queen you always were

I treated you and made you feel like dirt

Dear Dark Skin…

May you shine so bright that stands out in the crowd

May you keep on recieving and not just giving

Because you deserve not to just exist but keep on living

May your decisions be full of love in return

Even the subtle mistakes be a lesson learned

You are not forgotten so please continue to know your worth my friend

Catch your breath, everything's going to be okay

Those are the repetitive words I tell myself day by day

Crying, weeping, tears... does that make me weak?

This is all you can do when your trial permits you to speak

Tears isn't my weakness it's my strength to keep going through the week

So allow the water from my eyes fall down my cheeks

Tears isn't my weakness it shows I can only survive with God on my side

Vulnerability? I can no longer hide

Tears isn't my weakness it shows my compassion to my family and friends

Encouraging words to show, no it's not the end

Tears isn't my weakness it's my joy even when things are against me

It's freedom for me, yes, it makes me feel free

Tears isn't my weakness it reminds me I can't do everything on my own

Even when isolation tries to convince I should be left alone

Tears isn't my weakness I ask again let them fall down my cheeks

I stare at the bathroom mirror This is the Black Woman I see,

But behind that mirror hides deep ugly insecurities

Yes I know who I am

But it doesn’t change the explanation to society time and time again

Not enough curves, not enough booty

“You’re pretty for a black girl, you little cutie”

Backhanded compliments and all I do is smirk

Fearfully and wonderfully made, I repeat to myself, I… am God’s artwork

But to society, I’m too this im too that

Not enough of this, not enough of that

Can’t be too aggressive or I’m just angry

Can’t to be too soft or I’m not strong, isn’t that crazy

Comparison can be an esteem killer, can completely wipe you out

That’s when you try to push the confidence the comes from within to defeat it, no doubt

But, what happens on the days you just want to… be?

Saturday Evening

She turned crazy from a love that once was her everything that turned into nothing

Smiling in the midst of pain and still didn’t see it coming

“Where are you going?” “What are you doing?” the whispers of her past haunting into the future

She escapes mentally as eyes stare at her with no truths but rumors

“You got this” as she blasts music in her ears from silenced noise 

Holding her head high as much as she can even though it still stings, “Be poised”

“Don’t show them you’re weak, be strong”

Repeating these words in her daily tasks, but, for how long?

That breaking point came in the quietness by herself in her room

“Guess you’re finally here.” She smirked. “Didn’t expect to see you so soon”

Her cries wailed louder than the death of her hopes and dreams

Pain finally releasing with no words but in her cries and screams

She could feel her spirit mending, memories connecting on what broke her in the first place

Again gasping for air as this process was occurring in such a fast pace

Her cries finally slowed but her body ached what seemed like an eternal battle

“Forgive, let go.” She felt her soul speak and her bones rattled.

This was the step on her long journey of forgiveness and protecting her mental space

Healing takes time it’s not a sprint nor a race

Don’t be too hard on yourself you’re not a failure

You have a purpose that was made specifically for you; tailored.

Your dreams were never dead, they were just buried, now dig it back out

And this time it will blossom, no doubt. 

Be patient. Forgive. Heal.

Love.

Feel.

Be a light but don’t forget to fill your cup too.

Wanted to stay, but even I can’t do that correctly, stupid title we all call Wife

Thewe years and it’s still haunting me like a ghost with an incomplete mission

How can a woman like me work in these conditions?

30+ age with the back and forth fight between love and lust

Please tell me how sexy and beautiful I am if you must

But we both know I’m really not needed, I’m just fulfilling your chocolate fantasy

And you’re just here keeping my sanity

Ashamed sometimes talking to God knowing the thoughts I have to face

Not deserving his love and grace

I hear the forgiveness but do I really believe it

Or is it something I have to tell myself enough to believe it

Now do you see my inner thoughts and my inner fight?

But that’s just the peak of it but can’t speak of it too much, the judgement of being right

Yes I am talking to you who watch my every move

And even when you over religious spirits see me trying, I’m still disapproved

God, you call me daughter, yours, but can you really look at me and not be in disappointment?

How can you look at me like I’m the only one, how do you NOT have resentment

But my small human mind cannot even fathom that type of love

Considering I don’t even see myself even coming close to that from this earth to above

Convincing myself I’m in contentment but still the pain lingers in my healing

I don’t think you quite understand exactly what I’m feeling

Catching every breath in my mental health from personal to the world’s pain

Empathic gift consuming me once again

Stepping away just to get a little break even if the world’s suffering is still there

But, oh, if I don’t say nothing the same day I don’t care?

Oh, but I do, more than you can ever know, say, or do

Excuse me if I don’t react the same way as you

Releasing everything from this poem I don’t want to hold it in anymore

You ask me how I’m doing? Well, here it is, every bone to the core

I am not perfect as you can see, I’m not hiding it, I just won’t

Divided people what happen to you?

Did you really become this cruel

You shout and spit out harsh words to each other

Friendships, no longer closer than a brother

Putting a blame on one other, “Who do you think you dissin?”

Nobody… but you don’t listen

You want to feel “loved” but because someone disagrees they must hate you…

Rejection spirit is quite powerful once you allow it to get a hold of you

"Where’s the love? Aren’t you supposed to be a Christian?!!”

Love was shown… but you didn’t listen

They say one bad egg ruins it for all

But what happens when your own “kind” falls

Will you give a helping hand or cause another conflict; friction

They called out for help… but you didn’t listen

“I don’t know what happen! I thought they were okay!

I was here! I was here! I just saw them yesterday!”

But didn’t you just tell them they wanted too much attention

And now they’re gone… because… you didn’t listen

Put your selfish thoughts, your disagreements,

your anger behind

Life itself… is already unkind

Compassion, love, let’s make this our mission