•chellentaek•

If I had a nickel for everytime Kagi has gotten jealous of someone that doesn't specially care about Hirano and, more important even, someone Hirano doesn't particularly care for

he’s all open, nerves and corresponding nerve endings experiencing the world and love and love to kagiura akira is so much. how can love be so fulfilling and yet so cruel? how could he meet and then know someone who is everything he never realized he wanted and yet be kept from them? kagi is all nerves pulsing love but it’s a nerve ending’s job to detect pain. do you understand?

do you?

kagi is made of love. he’s made of love and he’s made to give and receive it and the thing is that he has, he has given love. to his parents and his friends and his teammates. to his hirano-san. and he receives it too, I know he does, from his parents and his friends and his teammates and his hirano-san, but what does it MATTER if it’s not the right love. kagi experiences right love for the first time in his life and it’s queer love and it’s such a fulfilling feeling but it hurts.

please understand. it HURTS.

kagi is young and made of love and he loves hirano. he loves hirano so much and so purely and then it’s not “pure” anymore, not after “Do you want to kiss him?” and that’s not a bad thing but how should he know? he loves and wants to love and he does, he does want to kiss him. kagi wants so much.

and the thing is always going to be that wanting and being good feel so often to be at odds, because how can kagi want hirano so badly and not be wanted that way back? how can he respect the person he loves and yet soothe the ache in his chest? it’s the pining you feel at the backs of your teeth. youth is lovely and ugly and violent because it lives in your bones and hurts as you grow.

and kagi has felt that hurt a lot, it’s how he got so damn tall.

kagi’s hungry. appetite increases when you’re growing and kagi grows constantly. and he wants. and he’s hungry. and it HURTS.

everything kagi has ever said about subconscious love is true. that’s both fact and prayer.

kagi didn’t know he wanted so much. he didn’t know he wanted in the first place. “do you want to kiss him?” was “do you want him?” and “is he special to you in a way that no one else can be?” and “do you love him?”

kagi doesn’t have the same problem as hirano. kagi has growing pains and an ache at the back of his teeth and sore legs that hirano can say “I’m gonna touch you.” over without so much as a jump at his heart, and kagi has hirano in every single way except for the one he wants most.

“do you want to kiss him?” was a catalyst. kagi wanted to and still wants to marry hirano, and then he found out that he wanted to and wants to kiss him, too. he wants to kiss him. he wants him. hirano is special to him like no one else is.

kagi loves hirano.

kagi loves hirano, and he is the bravest person in the world. how can you quantify being someone’s most important person? how many ways can you quantify being someone’s most important person?

an important phone call, or souvenirs and extra souvenirs, all bought with new years money, or a dog keychain.

or blue piercings, worn without a second thought.

kagi is the bravest person in the world, because he knows. he knows that he’s the most important person to hirano. he knows but he’s still left wanting,

and it’s not anyone’s fault.

“I want to get married” was “I want you to keep smiling at me like that,” and “please keep humoring my childish requests,” and “please keep waking me up in the morning.”

“I want to get married” was “I want to marry you.”