I like scalpels

got my first ever official customer complaint because when i was going over the terms of their life insurance they were like "well i don't plan to die" and i was like "well you're going to"

This is painfully American

when we say "it is functionally impossible to parody Americans in a way that will actually insult them" this is the sort of thing you're up against. is your sick burn funnier than corporation burger clown sing national anthem baseball game? no?? of course it isn't.

the bad sex awards are my favourite literary prize tho

Her pussy tasted like anchovies and her butthole smelled like tobacco. This is what straight men think is sexy and erotic.

If this man is married I feel so so SO sorry for his wife…

I had to put down my phone and walk around the room to calm down.

If I had to see this Monstrous Crime then you all have to suffer with me

LMAO

S I N

In my time as fic author and fic archive mod, I have seen some terrifying porn. But the stuff that gets published is sometimes even more amazing.

Tell me you have never actually tasted or smelled chocolate without telling me. I usually keep my blog fairly pg aside from the swearing but I have been laughing so hard at this for so long my stomach hurts

In a sense, it doesn’t matter how ridiculous it sounds to think Pepsi would genuinely honour that. Pepsi said that they would, therefore they have to, or else they’re guilty of false advertising. Companies can’t be allowed to say whatever they want in adverts, and when asked to pony up pull “it was just a joke, bro”. To use a slightly less ridiculous example, Fallout 76. One of the preorder editions can with a canvas backpack. But when they finally shipped, the durable canvas backpacks somehow became flimsy nylon. Complaints to publisher Bethesda got the response that the canvas version advertised was a prototype that was too expensive to make, so they handed out the cheap imitations instead. It took like two years in the courts for Bethesda to give people what they actually pay for. And they won because advertising law says you have to deliver on what you promise, even if it’s a Harrier jet. Introducing any level of “it’s just a joke” makes that effectively meaningless.