Just a book-loving English major with things to say. We do books here, and we work under the assumption that books are evergreen. There's no such thing as a book that is too old to gush over.
So, apparently masterlists are a thing writers on Tumblr do, so instead of a 2024 retrospective (this year...omfg...), I figured I'd do this! My CV has what I think is fair to call an eclectic mix of publications, so we're subdividing this list.
Fanfic
This seems like the category that Tumblr will likely be most interested in generally, so it's going first. Please be sure to CHECK THE TAGS before reading any of these fics. Be safe and take care with your reading!
I Could Have Told You 'Bout the Long Nights - A Polin fix-it fic that focuses on a different way for the Lady Whistledown reveal to go down. (Complete)
Of Fire and Featheringtons - The second work in the Polin Fic 'Verse, this fic focuses on Penelope's attempts to work with Queen Charlotte as part of the Bridgerton family. (Complete)
Lady Whistledown Returns - The third and final Polin Fic 'Verse work, and it focuses on Penelope reclaiming her voice as Lady Whistledown. (Complete)
The Polin Shifter Romance - A Polin shifter AU in which Penelope and Colin have to work together to overcome prejudice--and the Lord Provost Marshal--to end up together. (In progress)
The Canadian Mafia Job - A Leverage fic that focuses on a second-chance romance for Eliot and an OC, and some shenanagins with the Guelph Mafia, RCMP, and Interpol. (Complete)
What Happened Those Nights - A one-shot Romanov fic. Everyone dies at the end. (Complete)
Academic Writing
My dark past is as an academic. There are some publications in it. Unfortunately, the books are paywalled (I don't have any control over that, the publishers do), but they're here if anyone is interested. The articles are not paywalled, so enjoy!
Shakespearean Drama, Disability, and the Filmic Stare - An academic monograph that explores disability and the filmic stare in film adaptations of Shakespeare plays.
"Isolation, Overcoming, and the Filmic Stare in the Marvel Cinematic Universe’s Iron Man Films" in Disability and the Superhero: Essays on Ableism and Representation in Comic Media - An essay on disability in the MCU's Iron Man films.
The Evolution of the Patient Woman: Examining Patient Griselda as a Source for William Shakespeare's The Winter's Tale - An article that explores the Patient Griselda influences and sources in Shakespeare.
Street Cred: Economies of Shame and Homosociality in
Much Ado about Nothing - A critical reading of homosociality in Much Ado About Nothing.
Original Works (Various Genres)
Writing stuff often comes up at weird times, so here are the oddball writing projects throughout the years.
Infusion - A play written for the Quarantine Playwrighting Bake Off that explores themes of medicine, illness, and anxiety.
"Shakespeare's Zombie" - A sonnet in the vein of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.
When All Else Fails - A modern retelling of the Patient Griselda folklore.
"7 Filthy Jokes You Didn't Notice in Shakespeare" - I was literally bored the summer between my bachelor's ending and my master's starting. This was my project that summer.
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YES, KUSHIEL AND ELUA, THAT WAS ENTIRELY TOO MUCH TO ASK
Final books, be they of a duology, trilogy, quartet or longer series, can be difficult. Landings can be hard to stick. Jacqueline Carey, though? Not only stuck this landing, but the finale of the first Kushiel Trilogy is living rent-free in my head as I debate it in circles while also hugging it close. Long story short, not only did this book stick the landing, it is unquestionably my favorite of the Phedre trilogy. I have literally been telling everyone I talk to about this book that 1) it had NO BUSINESS going as hard as it did and being as good as it was and 2) modern romantasy and dark romance WISH they had what Phedre and her various paramours do. And to those two, I add a bonus third: This book had NO BUSINESS making me debate the roles of love and religion in life as much as it did. But we'll get to that. Let's talk Kushiel's Avatar.
Hey, hi, hello. This is both your SPOILER WARNING and your CONTENT WARNING. I wasn't kidding when I said dark fantasy wishes it has what this books does, so if sexual assault and sexual violence are triggers for you, take care and skip this post if you need to.
Ok, so. This book has two main quests that are kinda-sorta loosely entwined together, and that get roughly equal page time to the point that this very much felt like two books mashed together (not in a derogatory way, more like in a Lord of the Rings kind of way). One is the culmination of the quest that was set up all the way back in the first book: Freeing Hyacinthe from his curse to be the Lord of the Strait. The other is recovering Imriel, the son of Prince Benedict de la Courcel and Melisandre Sharizai. I'm going to start by covering my general reactions to this book as a finale, and then we'll pick up the two main threads of the book, because...y'all I had FEELINGS about these, and then the feelings turned into THOUGHTS.
General Reactions
So as a finale, I thought this book did a number of things well. It made the world feel big and inhabited by building on where we've been in the previous two book, and using connections from the previous books to facilitate new connections and new locations that all still fit into the worldbuilding. It had very similar vibes to the last few books of the Temeraire series that way; the world was wide, it took time to cross it, but our protagonist still connected with a whole frickin' lot of it in really interesting ways.
I also loved that we actually see growth in Phedre's relationships, most notably with Joscelin. Joscelin and Phedre were always a couple with built-in tension, but by the time they're in their thirties and have been together for a decade, they have their shit down. They know where their triggers are as a couple and how to communicate effectively about said triggers. Usually beforehand, even! Which is great because it means not only do we get that growth in the relationship, it means we have new boundaries to push and new ways to put them through the absolute wringer. It was excellent and heartbreaking and ultimately hella rewarding.
Similarly, I really enjoyed Phedre and Melisandre's doomed but inextricably linked vibes. After the whole treason and slavery thing in book 1, Phedre and Melisandre were never going to be a couple. That doesn't mean they don't both know each other entirely too well and have complicated feelings that lead to some equally complex actions. When Imriel disappears, Melisandre goes to Phedre, and Phedre becomes the linchpin that prevents active murder by keeping and raising Imriel herself rather than turning him over to Ysandre. The back and forth and the power plays were delicious to watch unfold.
I also appreciate how earned and mostly happy the end was. This trilogy went to some DARK and HEAVY places, and to finally have everyone happy and whole at the end felt validating without being guaranteed in a way that make it extremely worthwhile and sincere. It wasn't at any point a guarantee, and a few times an unhappy ending might have made more logical sense, but they pulled through and were rewarded for it. I loved that.
The Imriel Quest
Ok, we need to talk about this quest, because it's COMPLICATED. Because of who Imriel is, when he initially disappears, it's assumed that politicking was happening. Then it looks like a random kidnapping for a human trafficking ring--sucky, yes, but not anything to do with Melisandre personally. What it ULTIMATELY is is a divine occurrence and series of events so that Phedre is in the right place at the right time to take out what is essentially a death cult that, had Phedre not murdered it in its cradle, would have swept across the world, leaving darkness and despair in its wake, along with u told numbers of casualties. It NEEDED to be put down before it spread. And also we needed to rescue the ten-year-old from the clutches of the military leader of the death cult because he and some of his cronies and allies have a taste for boys.
There is zero question that Phedre had to go in there, put down the death cult, and get Imriel out. That absolutely had to happen. What I was really wrestling with though, was the worldbuilding quirk of the series that meant that Phedre kind of got pushed into going and being brutally sexually assaulted for six months. I talked about consent issues in my review of Kushiel's Chosen (and maybe Kushiel's Dart? Don't remember...), and my issues with consent got cranked up to 11 in this book because Phedre wasn't going to go with the batshit insane plan of making Joscelin sell her to the death cult's harem UNTIL Elua, Kushiel, and Namaah got in her head and explicitly said, "Either you do this or we turn our faces and our favor from you forever" and gave her a preview of what that would feel like. Like...y'all.
I have two main issues with this. First, it's not CONSENT when it's "do this or else". Coercion negates the ability to consent because you don't actually have the ability to safely say no. The fact that it's GODS doing this? That power dynamic is so fucky for consent that consent shouldn't even enter the conversation. There isn't any. There is "do this or we won't love you anymore," which some of the audience might recognize as TEXTBOOK ABUSE. Phedre begs them not to send her. Asks them not to ask this much of her. Says it's too much, and she's RIGHT. This is entirely too much to ask of her, and it's not right or fair.
Narratively, this also kind of eats Phedre's agency as a protagonist and robs her of being able to make the choice to go for reasons that aren't "the gods made me." I'm not at all religious (haven't been since I fell on a fake dead Jesus at nursery school, had an asthma attack, got in trouble for it and was told that God gave me asthma on purpose. After that, I wasn't here for religion generally, and Christianity specifically), but I think what really irks me is that the religion built into the world of Terre d'Ange ultimately ate a character beat. I wanted Phedre to make the choice. Your mileage will probably vary on that one, but it wasn't a thing I enjoyed. I enjoyed it less and less as Phedre is increasingly brutalized and asking what Elua has done to her by sending her in. Once she's actively plotting with the other captives to take down Darsanga, all her brains, wit, creativity, and compassion come back to the forefront, and the parts of the story where she's actively plotting and working toward liberating Darsanga are EXCELLENT. They go way harder than they have any right to, and there were more than a few moments that brought me to tears (Joscelin having to sit there and watch all this happen and not being able to intervene or save anyone got heartbreaking FAST). I think this was handled well once we were in, but the manner of and impetus behind getting in really wasn't sitting well with me.
That said, testing the limits to the breaking point of Blessed Elua's key precept, "love as thou wilt," in this quest plot was incredible. The different threads of love that motivate Phedre and that twist and tangle and outright conflict are built into her character and the world in ways that make sense and that twist the knife in the reader. It worked wonderfully.
I had a little moment of "Phedre don't stigmatize victims" when she insisted on riding out of Darsanga instead of riding in a wagon and exhorting Joscelin not to ask her to leave "as a victim," but I also understand the stubborn middle finger behind, "I rode in here and I will ride out of here," so even my mileage varied on that one.
The slow build of gaining Imriel's trust and eventually his love was also done beautifully, and that carried through not only the rescue for Imriel but also the quest to free Hyacinthe. Phedre and Joscelin's relationships with Imriel were distinct and also really well done. Imriel literally goes from spitting in Phedre's face to asking to be adopted. My heart...
The Hyacinthe Quest
Ok. Oooooooooookay. Hyacinthe has needed rescue for over a decade, and this quest is comparatively simple: find the name of God and use it to banish an angel who has been having a millennia-long bitch fit. What made this quest most interesting for me is that it was also the time and space that Phedre, Joscelin, and Imriel needed to heal from what went down in Darsanga. Getting that space was most of what made this part of the book worth it, because the Darsanga stuff was A LOT.
Once we actually get the name of God though, the worldbuilding and relationships keep it from being so simple a matter as going to the Three Sisters, saying the name, and Hyacinthe coming home. Ysandre slaps Phedre on the wrist by forbidding her from leaving the City of Elua for three months because she more or less absconded with Imriel instead of bringing him immediately home. Absconding was the OBJECTIVELY BETTER CHOICE, but politics gonna politick, and there have to be some consequences. And by the time we actually get to Hyacinthe, we still have to face down and banish a pissy fallen angel.
The actual scenes of freeing Hyacinthe are beautifully executed and had me glued to the dang page, but the final fete and goodbyes were really where I got sad and happy about the end of this trilogy, because the goodbyes were so needed, not just for the characters but also the reader.
Overall, this book was a fitting end for the trilogy it caps, and this might actually be my favorite book in the trilogy.
I need a TARDIS specifically for crafting and reading. 24 is not enough hours in the day to make a new dress, finish up the captive unicorn bead weaving peice, put words on the Polin shifter romance, and get through the entire Imriel Trilogy while also working full time.
Chapter 18 of Kushiel's Scion, and this is happening:
I vote we bring back the days where cutting poetry was how we publicly expressed grudges. It requires enough time that most petty squabbles won't get aired (like if you have to sit down for a couple of hours to write a poem, you have time to cool off and think through the implications) and the ones that DO still get circulated will be all the juicier.
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You Have My Attention: The Phedre Trilogy (Kushiel's Legacy) First Lines
I tried to read this trilogy as a teenager after inhaling Moirin's trilogy, but then I didn't make it past the first 80-odd pages of Kushiel's Dart. This time around (nope, you're not getting my age, let me be in my mid-thirties in peace), I pushed past the first 100 pages, and holy gods I am glad I did. This trilogy was INCREDIBLE, so let's see how Jacqueline Carey catches her readers.
Lest anyone should suppose that I am cuckoo's child, got on the wrong side of the blanket by lusty peasant stock and sold into indenture in a short-fallen season, I may say that I am House-born and reared in the Night Court proper, for all the good it did me.
It is hard for me to resent my parents, although I envy them their naïveté. No one even told them, when I was born, that they gifted me with an ill-luck name. Phedre, they called me, neither one knowing that it is a Hellene name, and cursed.
-- Kushiel's Dart
No one would deny that I have known hardship in my time, brief though it has been for all that I have done in it. This, I think, I may say without boastfulness. If I answer now to the title of Comtesse de Montreve and my name is listed in the peerage of Terre d'Ange, still I have known what it is to have all that I possess torn from me; once, when I was but four years of age and my birth-mother sold me into servitude to the Court of Night-Blooming Flowers, and twice, when my lord and mentor Anafiel Delaunay was slain, and Melisandre Sharizai betrayed me into the hands of the Skaldi.
-- Kushiel's Chosen
It ended with a dream.
Ten years of peace, the ancient Oracle of Asherat-of-the-Sea promised me; ten years I had, and in that time, my fortune prospered along with that of Terre d'Ange, my beloved nation. So often, a time of great happiness is recognized only in hindsight. I reckoned it a blessing that the Oracle's promise also served as a warning, and let no day pass without acknowledging its grace. Youth and beauty I had yet on my side, the latter deepening as the years tempered the former. Thus had my old mentor, Cecilie Laveau-Perrin, foretold, and if I had counted her words lightly in the rasher youth of my twenties, I knew it for truth as I left them behind.
Mountain Echoes argues that the hottest thing one's former boss turned boyfriend can do is floor it up a mountain in your classic muscle car with a manual transmission and custom purple paint job and shoot the zombie about to murder you in the face.
I have no rebuttal to make, I am convinced by the argument.
Pride Goeth...Even When Your Instincts Are On Point
There is something about the middle section of a trilogy where just SURVIVING is a win, even if everything else is a loss that is just delicious to read. This book got THIS CLOSE to being that, but at the last minute things get better. However, the book pulls off "surviving is the win" so damn well in 80% of the book and the other 20% is so damn earned triumph that I can't be mad about it. Let's talk Kushiel's Choice.
Hey, hi, hello. This is your spoiler warning. There are spoilers below the cut. Consider yourself warned.
So just in case y'all are here for the alternate historical fantasy or religious elements of these books...this is not the review for you. I'm an English major. I know enough history and religion to be able to go, "hey, there is history and/or religion here!" but I do not have the training or experience to really delve into it. Like I can tell you that we're in fantasy alternate history France and that yeah, Yeshua ben Yosef is a pretty clear Jesus allegory, but that's not what makes these books interesting for me. I'm taking the worldbuilding largely on face value and letting it build meaning and resonance in a literary way rather than pointing at all the things and going "THIS IS THIS AND THAT IS THAT." Just let fantasy Venice be fantasy Venice without binging Blue from OSP's content. I am not doing new historicism here (Stephen Greenblatt is a blight on my former academic life). So...yeah. Now that we're all on the same page, let's dig in.
Phedre over here STARTS the book going, "hmmmmm, I'm still not cool with the fact that Melisandre got away after trying to hand Terre d'Ange to the Skaldi, selling me and Joscelin to the Skaldi, and just generally being an enormously sexy bitch," and spends about five minutes in Elua City rededicating herself to Naamah before faking a falling out with Queen Ysandre de la Courcel so she can go to La Serenissima to hunt down Melisandre. At which point shit gets REALLY crazy, because Phedre spends all of this time absolutely convinced that she understands and can predict the game Melisandre is playing. Which...no, no she can't. This is the peak of hubris and it ends with two of her chevaliers dead, Phedre in fantasy Rikers Island, and Melisandre married to traitor Benedict de la Courcel and having birthed a full-blood D'Angeline baby who is the heir to Ysandre's throne and could be a catalyst for civil war.
Unfortunately, Joscelin and Ti-Phillippe's attempted rescue ends with Phedre being yote into the sea and picked up by pirates who take their sweet goddamn time to ransom her, and an attempt to double-cross her on the hostage exchange ends up with Phedre and the Pirates in Fantasy Ancient Greece doing a fantasy ritual to clear the head pirate of a blood curse so they can go to said head pirate's home city and get some backup to go BACK to La Serinissima and prevent Melisandre and Benedict from assassinating Ysandre during a hoax regime change that was orchestrated by one rogue priestess.
They do actually succeed; Ysandre lives. However, Melisandre is out here playing 4D chess, and Ysandre has to haul ass back to Terre d'Ange to literally physically take possession of her throne to prevent also-traitorous Percy de Sommerville from usurping it. Which they also succeed in doing, and Phedre's cosmic reward is ten quiet years.
And that is just the PLOT. Weaving in and around the plot elements are the character dynamics and relationships that really make this book tick for me, and because I'm a bit tired, we're gonna do this in a list.
Phedre and Joscelin
In any other book, Phedre and Joscelin do not survive as a couple. These two come from diametrically opposed philosophical and ideological backgrounds, and their vows to their various gods are mutually exclusive in many ways. And PHEDRE over here is full-assedly leaning into "I'm an anguisette, the pain of the heart that being a total dick to Joscelin causes is the best kind of pain" for the entire first third of the book. Like to the point where Joscelin is over here like, "I cannot do everything I think I'm supposed to AND love this woman" and goes to have a crisis of faith with schisming Yeshuites while leaving Phedre unprotected in crucial moments.
Like if you had introduced Phedre and Joscelin as enemies to lovers with this plot, I'd have BELIEVED it. But ultimately they fit together, they work together, and sometimes absence really does make the heart grow fonder, because once Phedre ends up in fantasy Rikers Island, Joscelin steps up, but battles are unpredictable, and the rescue actually comes within a hair's breadth of killing Phedre.
Phedre and Joscelin ummm...do not treat each other terribly well in the first third of the book. But watching that conflict come from very real, character-driven places? Delicious. I was here for all of it, and it was great to watch. It was also great to watch them not have time to talk when they finally are reunited, but Joscelin has done enough soul-searching and training Yeshuites in the woods to be able to accept that Phedre actually was correct, and that Ysandre was in the most danger from one of her Cassiline bodyguards. The sheer FACT that this fight was mostly offscreen while Phedre faced off with Melisandre was both the correct choice and utterly infuriating. But the fact was, Joscelin had come to grips with what that meant, and he was ride-or-die for both Phedre and Ysandre, so he put the other Cassiline in the ground.
The crowning jewel of this relationship though? Joscelin asks to be Phedre's named consort. She doesn't ask him. She can't, that would 1000% be a bridge too far. But he can come and ask her, and it is freaking GLORIOUSLY well earned. Their relationship will always be complicated and full of negotiations, but when they get their shit together, it's amazing.
Phedre and Melisandre
Ok, I did not know how much I wanted a hero/villain dynamic where the villain had the hero at hello. Phedre intellectually KNOWS that Melisandre is a traitor, manipulator, and all-around garbage human. But also, Phedre wants Melisandre SO BAD. And they both know it. Like really and truly, this dynamic adds so much tension throughout the entire book. It even get to JOSCELIN, because he also knows that Phedre is down so bad for Melisandre it's not even funny.
In terms of their relationship as spies, though, Melisandre is over here playing 4D chess, and Phedre...Phedre can't actually keep up. She can play in the same league, but she's not as good as Melisandre yet. This entire book is an exercise in Phedre learning some goddamn humility, because while yes, she reads people wonderfully and she had excellent training to supplement her natural ability, she's missing the years of experience, ruthlessness, and connections that Melisandre has. That Phedre does (mostly) triumph is a combination of luck, batshit insanery, and a willingness to do the crazy thing because there is literally no other option. Phedre learns so much from going toe-to-toe with Melisandre, and I'm excited to see where it goes in book 3, because at the end of this book, Phedre prevented Ysandre's death and Melisandre is backed into a corner, but it's a very comfortable corner and Mel is still holding a few chips back to play later. It's not a total victory by any means.
Phedre and her Chevaliers
I am a huge fan of Phedre's Boys, and at first, I was like, YES, Remy, Fortun, and Ti-Philippe get more characterization! And Phedre herself is really quite good with her staff and her chevaliers, and they're just adorable. I particularly liked the rapport she develops with Fortun, since he's a little older, a little wiser, and yet is 100% here to have her back. So when Benedict and Melisandre murder Remy and Fortun in cold blood in front of Phedre, holy gods did that hit and hit HARD.
In hindsight it might have had shades of "speedrunning characterization so we feel bad when they die" and giving Joscelin a REASON not to be in that room, but here's the thing. If Remy and Fortun were destined to be plot devices (and they kinda were, they were set up to die so Joscelin could live), then they were also CHARACTERS. They weren't personalityless redshirts, they were people that Phedre loved, and I as reader also really enjoyed. It wouldn't have been so devastating when they died if they hadn't been awesome in their own right. So overall, well done twisting the knife, Jacqueline Carey.
Phedre and Kazan Atrabiades
Seriously, this book came out in in 2002. How are we still not understanding consent? I adored Kazan as a personality and a pirate, but like...dude 100% put Phedre in a situation where she absolutely could not refuse sex safely. I do not actually care if Phedre is over here like, "I agreed to this bargain, so I consented." That isn't consent, Phedre. Just because he asked politely and didn't insist when you had three unhealed broken ribs doesn't make him a gentleman. She had zero power in the situation, and he wasn't not going to if she said no. Cool motive, still sexual assault, Kazan.
Beyond that, though, Kazan is a lot of fun. He's ebullient in a way that is entertaining, and the blood curse gives him a very human dimension that balances out the larger-than-life persona he presents to the world. And if he doesn't precisely apologize to Phedre fir the sexual assault after he undergoes the rite to clear the blood curse, he gets as close as I would reasonably expect from this book. He does outright apologize for trying to betray her to La Serenissima, though, likely because it got them their asses handed to them.
Phedre seems to be largely amused by Kazan, and I fully get and appreciate that. I'm also largely amused by him, and he's a fun character. Everyone loves a good laughing pirate.
Phedre and Severio
Ok, so Severio having a little mini-arc was unexpected, but I also enjoyed it. Developing secondary characters is getting sadly rare these days, and Severio going from grumpy-ass little half D'Angeline and half not with anger issues and a cruel streak that comes from unresolved self-loathing to a reasonably happy young man who is put here appreciating both halves of his lineage is fun. It's cute when he's out here participating in courtship rituals and asking Phedre to marry him (and what a mismatch THAT would have been; good on Phedre for saying no), and it's actually genuinely nice to see him happy.
For all of five minutes, until his parents do treasons and blasphemies that threaten to rip apart La Serenissima, Terre D'Ange, and the entire temple of Asharat-of-the-Sea. Then he has to get his ass in gear and politick to fix the issues. The reason he CAN do that though, is his experience with Phedre. He learns a lot from her, and comes in clutch when it counts.
Phedre and Ysandre
Phedre had no grand plans to be a kingmaker, but its absolutely on Delaunay and Phedre that Ysandre gets the throne and then survives to keep it. It felt very earned when Ysandre made Phedre a companion, especially after Ysandre was one of the people going, "hey, hey Phedre? Maybe BE CAREFUL about fucking around with Melisandre." And she was right.
Overall, I actually think I liked Kushiel's Chosen better than Kushiel's Dart. This book wasn't wading through and a bit bogged down by worldbuilding and Phedre's childhood, which meant we could get the plot rolling much faster and keep it going in ways that had me glued to the story. I also appreciated the built-in time skip foreshadowed at the end of this book. Give our girl a break for a decade, give Imriel a chance to grow up some, and I will catch you at the next book.
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"Sewing is a gateway drug to thinking through complex problems. It seems really simple; culturally, we make it women's work. Let me tell you: real sewing at any kind of level of proficiency is a bloody magic trick. Sewing, like mold making, involves mental frames that require one to think inside out and backwards. It requires one to work on an order of operations that is often taking into account the reverse. It's a really, really important skill, and if you learn how to sew, you're mostly on your way to carpentry and welding and sheet metal work. I'm not kidding: these are planar forms meeting under rules and conditions. And if you can make a sleeve work, I swear to God, you could build a house."
Also, don't be afraid to "Be bad at sewing" check like ONE video on the basics for a good seam, go into any clothing store, check THEIR seam quality and quickly realize that you can do way better even as a complete noob.
Sewing isn't wizardry, it's logic and patience and fun and practicality for all levels.
For people who are scared about "being bad at sewing" here are a couple concrete ways you can be "bad" at it (and what the consequences of that is). I still sometimes make these mistakes and i've been sewing since i was seven.
***Forgetting to add seam allowance. ***
For some projects this is not a big deal and it'll just turn out a bit smaller than you intended. For other things, you will be crying and kicking yourself about expensive wasted fabric.
Beginner Advice: Just don't start out making things that use expensive fabric. Make some cheap shit first to practice, like a muslin pillowcase.
Beginner Reassurance: Even if you fuck this up, and you cry and kick yourself a bit, it might not the end of the world. You can always add an extra panel of fabric to make up the difference -- the real trick is figuring out how to do that in a way that looks like Intentional Design so no one else ever notices you were covering up a mistake. (This is something that even really experienced sewists do all the time -- you might have a piece of fabric in your stash that you bought years ago without a project in mind, and now you've figured out what you want to use it for, you discover that you don't have QUITE enough. So you adapt. Easy.)
***Not sewing in a smooth, intentional line***
For some projects this is not a big deal. For projects where it is a big deal, with most fabrics you can always remove the stitches with a seam ripper and try again as many times as it takes until you're happy. (The fabrics that don't tolerate this are ones with a coating, like pleather or leather, where if you poke a hole then it stays forever. Some really delicate fabrics like satins and fine silks (and sometimes knit fabrics as well) also don't like to be sewn multiple times, but you can usually rub the surface gently or dip it in water and flatten it to dry to get the holes to ALMOST close up.
Beginner Reassurance: Woven cotton loves you and forgives you and wants you to succeed. Cotton is friend. Friend cotton. Smooch it.
Beginner advice: Trust me, you don't want to sew on that tricky shit anyway. Satin is for masochists who don't take their own advice. Love yourself, stick to woven cottons until you feel confident. Also! Pins will help you sew in a straight line because they'll hold the fabric neatly together. Also, you can use a washable fabric marker to draw the seam lines on with a ruler. If you're VERY VERY VERY new to sewing, I would suggest getting a piece of trash fabric (if you can find a ratty old bedsheet at a thrift store, that's a GREAT thing to practice on), cutting a piece about a foot square, drawing a loooong wobbly meandering line on it with marker or pencil, lots of curves and sharp corners. Then sew along that line with your machine, aiming to get the needle perfectly through the line. This will help you practice manipulating the fabric around curves and corners.
Further Advice: Keep your hands flat on top of your fabric on the "table" part of the sewing machine, rather than picking up your fabric with your fingers and moving it around. Just shift it gently with your palms.
***Fabric shifted while sewing and left a gap where the needle didn't go through both layers of fabric***
Hey! What did I tell you about using satin! Put it down and walk away! It is too treacherous for you, traveller! Friend cotton generally doesn't do this to you.
Beginner advice: Use pins or fabric clips and this won't happen
Beginner reassurance: You can always seam-rip the fucked up bit and try again. <3
***Thread keeps fucking up and getting tangled and snarled on the back of the piece (machine-sewing edition)***
Don't panic, this is not a you problem. You haven't done anything wrong. This happens because every sewing machine has the devil in it. Super normal and happens to everyone.
Beginner advice: Remove the thread from your machine and re-thread it, both the top thread and the bobbin. Test it on a bit of scrap fabric to see if that fixed it. If it didn't fix it, try re-threading again and pay close attention to make sure you're doing it right (don't put the bobbin into the bobbin holder backwards, for example). Test again. If that didn't fix it, twiddle the tension knob a bit. If that didn't fix it, open up the part of the machine where the bobbin goes and try blowing the dust and lint out. If THAT still didn't fix it, turn the machine off and go have a cup of tea or a nap. If that STIIIIIIIIILL didn't fix it, replace your needle, it is old and blunt.
Beginner Reassurance: I'm holding your hands while I tell you that this is the exact process of troubleshooting you will be using for the rest of your sewing hobby no matter how good you get. Professionals also do this.
***Thread keeps fucking up and getting tangled and snarled (handsewing)***
Also not a you problem. The thread just has too much twist in it.
Beginner advice: Just hold up your project and drop your needle so it hangs free on the thread. Run your fingers down the length of it to loosen the twist, the same thing you'd do with the cord of your hair dryer or the vacuum cleaner when it gets twisty. Some people use a little beeswax to coat the thread to help it behave. I've never used that, because just letting it hang and untwist in the air works fine for me.
Beginner reassurance: This is normal, just one of those things. You're not bad at sewing.
***Sewed things together with wrong-sides together instead of right-sides together***
Happens to the best of us, especially if you are sewing while tired and bleary. Just undo the seam with a seam ripper and try again.
Beginner advice: If you immediately make exactly the same mistake a second time, this is not your fault. This is just a sign from the gods that it's time for a break (all sewists know about this sign, it's a very normal omen). Go to bed, or go eat something.
Further advice: If you're making this mistake while well-rested and well fed, maybe your pattern or your fabric is just weird. Try sewing it with a very wide basting stitch, check your work, then sew again with a proper seam. It will at least save you time on ripping it out if it didn't work right again.
Beginner reassurance: You're working with friend cotton, right? Then you're fine, you have basically as many chances as you want. :)
***Seam looks bad when I'm looking at the piece inside-out***
Does it look okay from the outside when you turn it right-side-out? Then you have succeeded.
Beginner advice: You don't even have to fix this unless you want to. If it's a functional seam, who cares what it looks like inside out? (If you really care, your next step will be to watch some youtube videos about SEAM FINISHING, which is one additional step to make the seams look nice and tidy even inside-out.) ALSO, ironing helps. Iron your seams flat with the right sides of the piece still together just the same way you sewed it, and then fold the two sides apart and iron the seam open, gently pulling the fabric apart as you go so it gets REALLY nice and flat. On curves this is going to take some practice. Just don't do things with curves for your first couple of projects. Make a pillowcase.)
Beginner reassurance: It's ok to have an ugly seam, especially as a beginner. No one's going to check the inside unless they're a sewing nerd, whereupon you should bashfully tell them, "This is the first thing I ever made," and they will explode in adoration and praise. Sewing people are like this because we are all a little bit crazy. Every sewist i've ever met remembers VIVIDLY the mistakes they've made while they were learning and the radical self-forgiveness it took to continue learning. A very good sewist is one of the nicest people you will ever meet, because they have made Ten Thousand Mistakes, processed their upset, and kept persevering. They WILL praise your ugliest nastiest most fucked up cotton pillowcase, and they will tell you that you should be really proud of yourself. They will tell you some of the mistakes they've made. They will probably say, "No this is so good, this is way better than the first thing I made when I started!"
***I made a thing but it doesn't fit right.***
Too big? pinch it closed and sew another line. Too small? Rip the seam and add a panel.
Beginner advice: Measure twice, cut once.
Further advice: Oh, and before you do any cutting or sewing, be sure to pre-wash your fabric on HOT (if you're using cotton; you're using cotton, right? Other fabrics might need something else) so that it can do all the shrinking it's going to do.
Beginner reassurance: There's ways to fix every problem, you're not bad at sewing because it doesn't fit right. If you only knew the number of times I made a thing and it didn't fit right.... Ho hum, try again!
There are of course other ways to fuck up, but you have to be AMBITIOUS to hit those, and really those are more like... subcategories or more specific flavors of these general ones?
Anyway yeah. Go play with some cotton, fuck around, make a pillowcase. Pay attention to what you're doing and check your work vigilantly at every step. You will be fine. <3
Ok, SO: If you're going to do the tennis ball joke from Henry V onstage, I think you play it one of two ways. The first way, you have exactly two tennis balls delivered to Henry. It becomes a way for the Dauphin to literally say, "you're so little a man and so little a king that not only am I happy to hand you your own pathetic excuses for testicles, but then I will then give them a gentle tap with my tennis racquet and you will be completely and utterly destroyed." This then gives Henry the opportunity to fire back with, "oh, that's funny. Wait till you see the big brass gunstones that drag the ground when I walk. And just because you were such a dick about this, I will use them to utterly destroy France." The visual jokes, of course, write themselves, particularly if your actor has a viciously funny comedic edge. Hell, give Henry a Mao table with little figurines and have him yeet one of the balls at the French figures (bonus points if they somehow low-key explode when hit).
The second way is less about the masculinity of the respective royals' man bits and more about the heel-face-turn from farce to horror. In this method, you have just a STUPID number of tennis balls be delivered. I'm talking baskets. Bushels. Bins. Bags. So, so many fucking tennis balls. The Dauphin is no longer the crown prince of France, he's a guy in a math problem who invested way, way too much time time money in this joke. I want so many tennis balls onstage that it is a goddamn HAZARD. I want people finding tennis balls in their pockets like, "wait how the fuck did this get here!?" I want them to run out of space on every surface and start putting them on the floor. I want Henry to stand up from his goddamn throne and have someone put a basket of tennis balls on it so he can't sit back down. Every. Tennis. Ball.
And then. And then when Henry digs into that speech and turns those balls to gunstones, it's no longer your bitter ex-boyfriend taking revenge in the weirdest way possible, it's an arsenal of every cannonball that Henry is going to rain down on France. It is wrath raining death and destruction down on an enemy nation and because you can SEE the scale, it stops being funny real quick and becomes the ominous herald of the war to come.
And wither way you do it, I think you also have Henry just ALWAYS be fidgeting with a tennis ball for the rest of the play. Lord Scroop betrayed him? Yeet a tennis ball in fury. Have to hang Bardloph? Roll that ball between your palms or squeeze it till your knuckles go white. Talking to your men in disguise the night before the battle? Build rapport with that goddamn tennis ball. Trying to woo Katherine? Juggle that tennis ball, baby!
Anything to keep in the forefront of Henry's and the audience's mind that that is where it started. A joke taken seriously that ended in the death of traitors, innocent boys, and way too many soldiers.
The very end of chapter 40 of Kushiel's Chosen and... GODDAMMIT MEL.
Seriously, the fact that it would be wildly inappropriate to spike my kobo like a football and swear at full volume at work is the only thig stopping me from doing so.
SHE DEFINITELY FOUND HER IN THE LAST PLACE SHE LOOKED 🤯🤯🤯
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I really wish someone had told me at 16 when I put down Kushiel's dart 50 pages in to just...push past the childhood training. Because the book SLAPS after about the first hundred pages. And the second book? A total blast so far.
TIL “Yankee Doodle” was written by the British to mock americans. “Doodle” is thought to come from the German “dödel”, meaning “fool” or “simpleton” and “macaroni,” a flamboyantly stylish type of dress, painting the Yankees as morons who thought placing a feather in one’s cap made them a “dandy.”
