maybe karma, maybe destiny
Hi, its been years. I used to love this. This platform was my escape. When queer women were not at all accepted anywhere else, I came to this platform. No hate comments, no risk of harassment, and complete anonymity, if that was what you wanted. Thats what this platform gave me. And I will always hold onto this page for as long as it exists. And to some these are just photos or a journal entry but for me it was the only way I could express myself. It was creative writing, it was art. It was everything. The things I would do to go back 10 years, you have no idea. I'd do it all differently. But hindsight is 20/20.
When I was young I imagined being married by 28, owning a home, waking up every morning making coffee for the loml. It's crazy how life unfolds, and ultimately, in many ways, it unfolds exactly as you have planned for it to. All choices lead somewhere. And its crazy to think that every choice could actually change everything. Your college degree determines you career to some extent. It limits you to the things you definitely cannot do, while there is always more than one thing you can do, you cannot do everything. But no one knows this at 18. Who knows who they are at 18? After living under the help and guidance of people who may or may not have instilled serious trauma in your life, affecting your ability to make decisions (even when you know what the right decision is), out of fear of hurting someone else because you have lived in fear for 18 years in a toxic environment. constantly in fear that any moment could blow up into violence or abuse by someone around you.
so we are raised by imperfect, often very toxic people, who probably shouldn't have had kids, and they fuck us up. and its so deep within you that no matter how self aware you are, no matter how much you hate yourself or want to change, in those moments that trigger you, you completely lose sight of where you are and who you are, you come into an out of body experience and you feel so strongly in that moment that your emotions are everything.
and sometimes those imperfect toxic people who raise us, love us dearly. and so we develop so much empathy for them. because it is the only love we've ever known. we're taught that toxicity and love are the same. and whats the most horrible, is that we learn that the toxic love we have learned to give and accept from our primary caregiver is normal. what else do we know at this point? we trust the person who sat with us every night while we laid awake with anxiety. giving us the most selfless love and then in a second taking it all away, being the cruelest, most horrible person. but we learn thats ok, because we were conditioned to.
and as young adults we go out into the world and we end up repeating these patterns in some way.
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for me, I dated someone that I fell for almost immediately. With absolutely no understanding of that persons trauma or baggage or issues, finally independent for the first time. free to be who you are and away from the people who raised you. so that person starts to treat you badly, but on the other hand, they tell you how much they love you. sound familiar? so you accept this, because this is your normal. this is the only love you have ever known, this is all you can reference. so you endure abuse for years. you endure addiction, abuse, manipulation, cheating, lies, and you will take any sliver of love from them because you were raised to sit in your room and pray on a sliver of love all your life. you accept what you think you deserve.
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after awhile you lose yourself in the abuse. you become someone who doesnt even recognize themselves in the mirror, because you have become so unbelievably conditioned to the abuse. and as you look at this person, you can see deep into their soul, and you know that they too come from a home that had very little love, filled with abuse. and they are also just doing their best. so as the person who was taught that empathy is everything, you empathize. you play a role in the cycle of abuse. you learn to be abusive yourself.
until the day you look in the mirror and hate who is staring back at you. and you realize that through all of the abuse, you lost your sense of honesty, loyalty, integrity, values. and before you know it you are the abuser. even though thats not who you really are. and its not who you ever were. but after so many years, you don't know how to love any other way. you become the people you've surrounded yourself with.
your karma is that one day you will look around and see no one there next to you. when all you wanted was a fairytale love story. when thinking back on your earlier years you were the most honest, kind, fun, loyal person. but you've been so far removed from what that is for so long that you forgot how to be those things.
maybe karma. maybe destiny.
the irony is, you really just tried to empathize, you really just tried to be understanding. selfless. forgiving. and you are all of those things to a fault. and that was your downfall. and maybe this is your karma, maybe this is your destiny.
