I cannot be quiet any longer.
With the whole Aziz Ansari sexual harassment allegations, I’ve battled with myself on what to think. I love(d) Aziz and really looked up to him due to the fact that he is a person of color and an actor- which I can relate to. I won’t get into why it was so disappointing to hear this but I will get into how it makes me feel. This allegation sparked up the conversation of what rape culture and sexual harassment really is. From what I gather from the article, the girl did not physically so “no” but she showed discomfort and said things that showed she wasn't into have sexual relations with Aziz. This unfortunately reminded me of a situation I was in last year.
During football season, I would stay after school due to being a trainer and one day practice ended early and I had some place to be on the south side in like an hour so I stayed at the school since I live far. My friend’s mother was supposed to take us to our other event but that wasn't for while since practice ended early so we found something to do. There was a football player (Boy A) taking his friend home and we decided to tag along just because and after dropping the friend off, Boy A asked if it was okay if me and my friend didn't mind hanging out at his house while he showered- we had nothing better to do. We were at the house and my friend and Boy A went off alone, which I didn't really mind considering I was used to situations like that. Someone knocked on the door. Another boy (Boy B). I was friends with both these guys and had no issue with either of them prior so his presence didn’t alarm me. Eventually my friend left with Boy A again and left me alone with Boy B.
We were sitting on a couch and talking, making jokes, being dumb until I stood up for some reason and he grabbed my waist and pulled me in. I was very confused because he had a girlfriend- what was he doing? He tried to kiss me and kept putting his hands all over me, even lifting my shirt. I didn’t know how to feel. He somehow got me back on the couch and he was on top of me, trying to kiss me again. I felt as if God was trying to give me an out when his phone rang and it was his mother. I said “Oh you should probably answer that!” He threw his phone to the ground. God then threw another lifeline when his phone rang again and it was his girlfriend- again I suggested he answer and really insisted this time. He still didn’t answer.
This was the last opportunity I was given to escape: My friend came back while he was trying to convince me to have sex with him after I declined multiple times. I told him that my friend liked him and I couldnt hurt my friend like that and i thought for sure that would be the end. I didn’t anticipate he would ask my FRIEND for permission to have sex with ME. She kept telling me she was fine with it and to just go ahead but what I don’t think she realized was I just wanted to save my own skin. I didn’t want to flat out tell him “no dude I don't want to have sex with you” because I think I was afraid that he would tell his teammates that I was a bore and lame, Stupid, I know.
I was left with no more exit plans, this was going to happen. He took me into a bedroom and started to undress me and himself, I didn't really help him take off my clothes mostly because I didn't want them off. He laid me down and thats when my whole body started to tense up. He stuck his fingers inside me and I didn't do anything but stare at the ceiling, then he actually penetrated me. I was in pain, I was uncomfortable, the room was hot and I felt disgusting. He stopped and asked if i was in pain (i’m sure he could tell) and I said yes. He then told me he would stop penetrating me but I could still perform oral sex. I thought I was out but I wasn't and I just wanted it to be over but I was scared of what the hell would be said about me. I cried while doing it. When he finally finished, I rushed to get my clothes on. I wanted to get out of there so quickly. Boy A and my friend were sitting on the couch and when we exited the room we talked with them and then Boy A asked if we were ready to go. I was.
We left and went back to the school. I didn’t know what to make of that afternoon except that it was a mistake. Was is rape? Was is assault? Was it my fault? Like the girl Aziz assaulted, I gave many signs that I was uncomfortable and did not want to partake in any sexual acts but those signs were ignored. This was not just a “bad judgement call” on my part- this was assault. I don’t blame myself, my friend or Boy A but Boy B should have seen those signs and acknowledged them. This had me shaken for weeks after and triggered my anxiety because unfortunately when I was a child, I was raped. I wanted to shower every second of the day to wash the filth off and I wanted to forget it all but I will never forget both of those experiences. I just wanted to speak up to show other people that they aren't alone- things like this aren't your fault. This was something that happened over a year ago and still makes me shudder to this day. I want to keep all names out of this except mine because this is my story and I will decide if I want to crucifix a man or not. Forgiveness was something I learned on my first retreat when i opened up about my rape and will continue that mindset and practice to this day. To any victims, I am here to listen to your stories, to talk to you, to pray for you (if you are okay with that), to help you tell your story and to be a friend. Thank you.
