ᴄʀᴏᴡɴ ᴍᴇ

I've come to Realise that I have literally made Himeko perpetuate a cycle that she's been trying to escape and this is the most devasting thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours. Because for the past three years I've written Himeko as a woman shaped and guided by the memories, the fragments of those left behind. That's how she grew up as a strange child that had a smile that bore too much. That's how she grew into a young woman that kept her eyes skyward and thrived despite the isolation she felt from her peers.

There was a singular expectation to it all, a singular friend that tether her to the ground until the realization of her circumstances sank into view and Himeko, Hypatia, fell into a deep obsession that by all accounts should have and WOULD have killed her.

Were it not for the Astral Express.

But on Planarcadia Murata Himeko didn't have that. She had friends yes, but beyond there was no one. She imaginaed a version, an idealized picture for herself but it wasn't enough, and Himeko, Hypatia stepped in. Because how could she stand by and watch history repeat? How could simply watch, a girl dying from means beyond her control a look away.

Hypatia left her homeland to capture the stars for the sake of burning away her own life, without hesitation and without regret and yet she weaved herself into her life. She took up the name Himeko for the sake of capturing the stats and yet she stays because in a land so far from her own she sees a girl with the same eyes as her and she cannot turn away.

Hypatia stays in that land for years. Not days, not weeks or even months....she remains in the land for years. Caring, providing....GUIDING a girl she hopes will set out for the same dream she has. She fabricates all she can for her sake and Hypatia allows herself to suffer the weathering for that dream.

The Herald of Death comes, and their dream shatters before her eyes. All that is left is a promise of one. The promise of Himeko repairing the express and setting sail once more. The promise of Himeko one day returning to Planarcadia to share the stars she loved and found.

For all of that to occur, for Himeko to do all of that and return to a land that she called home for a time and find out that the girl she strove to give everything to have the guidence and hope that she never felt truly is DEVASTING. To her, who has inherited memories times and times again to return to the land and realize the one she made the promise to wilted away afraid of the stars is the single most heartbreaking moment of Himeko's life.

Because she did this. It was no one but HER who could have prevented it. No one but her could have actually tried harder to somehow, SOME WAY, save Murata Himeko.

I think this is also worst in it reinforces her notions of isolation. That Himeko cannot and should not rely on others because even SHE was powerless. Even she, who knew EVERYTHING that could be lost could not prevent Murata Himeko's death.

And that makes her all the more undeserving. And that cements that nothing can be done for her and in the end theres only herself

And that why...the eventuality of the express, the dance that started it all with Elio that ended with a burning corpse.

That is what will ultimately break her down. Because choosing her, SAVING HER. Feels so cruel when no one ever did, when she couldn't do it herself. The is no uncertain amount of survivors guilt in this woman and self loathing.

Its going to get worst before it gets better, before acceptance. But actions are irrefutable and undeniable. They leave no room to argue , only accept.

I think I'm thinking and Himeko will def has some aspect to the imaginae or maybe lean towards it more so. I like the concept that Hypatia molded herself to via wishpower to look as she does for the sake of Murata Himeko of Planarcadia. I def really like the thought that so much of her is like that because she wanted to fill that role for Himeko and bring back the stars for both of their sakes while where a face and name she didn't exactly grow up with. I love the wiggle room it gives in case they REALLY want to break my heart next patch before they show nova in all her glory.

I think genuinely the fake himeko angle is so fucking sweet??? and makes himeko honorable in the way she wanted to do all this for a dying girl as well as herself.

I'm sorry im just so in love with the concept given that Himeko left her own parents to rot as her last act of selfishness but then her first act after if to protect a little girl that bore her same face and same fate. THERE IS SO MUCH I WANT TO UNPACK HERE AND I DONT KNOW HOW MAN