i have only a beasts heart

—

-We could’ve written a love story for the ages.

1. Life is not a movie or a drama. Magical things don’t just happen. You have to be intentional with creating joy in your life. Whether alone or with people.  

2. People are the grey-est of all grey shades you can ever come across. A person is not a bad person because of a single action. Neither should you start worshipping them for one good deed. Don’t be hurt too easily and don’t be touched too easily. Most times, the way people behave is not even about you. Maintain that distance from your end too. 

3.  What he did to you was wrong. And in no way did you deserve one bit of it. But you have to stop talking about it now, you have to stop that narrative. Not to silence the wrong that was done to you. Just so you live a brighter life without constantly being in pain. They say, “let go” and you always wonder how? I think this is the first step. This is how you decide you want to let go.

4.  That whole positivity bullshit and smiling despite adversity might be annoying and insensitive but you know what? It’s so important to be able to laugh and zoom out and snap out of all the mess surrounding you for a while or else you will stop to function, You need to learn how to be jovial for yourself so you don’t completely lose it.

5.  You don’t need to come out or at least it doesn’t have to be this whole big thing. You’re lucky that most around you are accepting so you can casually slip it in a conversation and it won’t be a big deal. For the others? Why do they need to know? When have they ever mattered enough? 

Also, you don’t need validation from the community or internet memes or anyone. You are who you. You are Nikki. Being bi is one of the things about you. Just like being a feminist or a writer or a vegetarian is. It’s not synonymous to you, it’s just a part of you. Some people like using labels because it empowers them. It’s okay if you think that restricts you or that it makes you have to justify yourself to people you don’t care about it.

6. I know you want to shake people up and be like…’how can you not see why we need feminism or understand what it really means?’ but you can’t be too passionately aggressive about it. Yes, starting conversations is important. But maintaining your inner peace while having these conversations is also important. 

7.  You gotta stop acting naive. That doesn’t mean you have to be bitchy. Find a middle ground. Be kind to people but let them know that they can’t mess with you because you’re not going to let it go.

8. Good music, good books, good t.v shows don’t just fall into your life. You have to spend time exploring and discovering. A little R&D of your own. Your distance with these things, especially books, is not because you’re busy now but it’s because your interests are different - from that of others and also from the ones you used to have. 

9. There are just some things you don’t tell people. Like details about your love life or how much you earn or your plans for the future. Not because you’re old-fashioned or unnecessarily cautious but because these things when shared become vulnerable to the energies of other people. And that also includes people like your friends who may have only good intentions. 

But intentionally or unintentionally, the moment you share something so personal, they think certain thoughts. Maybe it’s because of the space they are in. Maybe it’s because of 10 other things. Maybe it’s just because that’s natural. But you want to keep away any energy that’s not yours from things that matter so much to you. Somethings you just gotta keep to yourself. Or rant about on an anonymous blog, if you really must.

10. Now that you’re in your early 20s you’re just starting out on building your skill set which means spending a lot of anxiety-provoking minutest out of your comfort zone. They are so excruciating and feel never-ending, I know. It also seems easier and so damn tempting to go back inside to the warm familiarity of your comfort zone. But don’t.

When you leave home, you pack things you need, don’t you? When you leave your comfort zone, take with you some courage and patience and the knowledge that a while spent being super uncomfortable and in the overwhelming grey of the unknown will forever expand your comfort zone by a bit. And bit by bit your tiny home garden like comfort zone will grow into a field of sunflowers or daisies or whatever it is that you find rewarding. So just endure it now. It might be hard but this one of those few things that’s really worth it.

2018 for the most part has been a blur. It wasn’t the most happening year where out of the ordinary things happened and I’m going to feel grateful about that. I did learn a lot of things this year that will help me have a better 2019 and has fundamentally changed my values and thought process.

2018 was the in-between-year I needed to adjust to the changes and be introduced to the world of adulting.