cptsd recovery

Heads up - Situations with narcissists tend to be abrupt. They can pick on you out of nowhere for an inexplicable reason, or love bomb you out of nowhere. They can stop suddenly for no apparent reason, as if picking on you or love bombing you got boring. They are confusing, because there is no logical, rational reason for their treatment of you.

The Lost Child – a story of recovery from Narcissistic Abuse is the story of how I recovered from decades of psychological and emotional abuse at the hands of The Mother, who had an abused childhood herself. As a defence against this abuse by her parents, she went on to develop Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Later, her abuse resulted in me developing my own mental health disorder – Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. She mostly abused me behind closed doors, whilst presenting a very different face to the world.  She was careful to make sure there were never any witnesses.

Child roles (The hero, lost child, scapegoat and golden child), are invented by the narcissistic parent in order to 'divide and conquer'. If the children have no loyalty to each other or trust amongst each other it's easier for the narcissistic parent to continue their abuse unabated. These roles are usually fixed. However, if the narcissistic parent believes that it will benefit them, they can change these roles at will.

Actually the post read 'STOP CONFLATING NPD WITH ABUSE!' After much thought regarding this triggered response to a previous post in which I defined the concepts of cognitive dissonance and gaslighting, I must admit that I was perhaps as equally triggered by this poster, as they were by me. Physically I mean. I was shaking, and my heart started pounding. I was having an emotional flashback.

I had no idea that explaining what these two concepts mean, could trigger a stranger to effectively SHOUT at me! I was confused. I knew I meant no offence, so why was offence taken? I wondered. After a few minutes I calmed myself down, and composed my original response.

But days later I still couldn't shake off the confusion. How had I upset this person? I mulled the situation over. Then it dawned on me. I was being gaslit. My perspective of reality was being distorted.

I'll explain. A hallmark of NPD is a lack of self-awareness. Narcissists (in general) lack self-awareness due to their false self. That is obstacle number 1 in trying to resolve a conflict with a narcissist. Much of the time they do not recognise their part, and no amount of reasoning with them is going to help them to see their part. This is because of obstacle no 2.

Obstacle no 2 - Even if they do have the self-awareness to recognise their part, they most likely will not care about how their behaviour makes you feel. They have a disregard for others' feelings because of the false self again. If we can't know ourselves, we can't love ourselves, and if we can't know and love ourselves, we do not have the capacity to know or love another, not truly. Their callous disregard for the feelings of others is often displayed in behaviour that is ‘grandiose, self-important, entitled, exploitative, envious, or arrogant and haughty.’ All traits mentioned in the DSM-V.

Being incapable of emotional intimacy means that naturally, a narcissist only sees the value of another in direct correlation to how that person can benefit them.

So, to re-cap, a narcissist struggles to recognise when they have treated a person badly. And, on the rare occasion they do recognise it, they are unlikely to care.

Obstacle no 3 - Even if they were to care, the false self will jump to the narcissist's defence, almost immediately, justifying their behaviour. This is because they feel a sense of superiority. They secretly feel that they should be able to behave however they damn well please, because the rules don't apply to them. They're special. (Another trait mentioned in the DSM-V). Their feelings manifest in the knee jerk reaction of victim blaming, or deflecting blame in some other way.

So, in conclusion, not being able to take accountability, not being able to have an honest conversation, not being able to apologise, and not being able to change toxic behaviour; all of these difficulties for the narcissist result in behaviour that IS abusive to the other person.

So saying 'stop conflating NPD with abuse' is like saying 'stop conflating veganism with a meat free diet, or 'stop conflating obesity with health issues.'

Mmmm, a somewhat triggered reaction to a previous blog post!

The DSM V lists 'a lack of empathy' as a trait of NPD. It also lists 'a sense of entitlement', and 'interpersonally exploitative behaviour'. I shan't go on, as these 3 (of the 9 traits) would inevitably result in behaviours that would cause emotional suffering to a person on the receiving end. How?

Lack of empathy - A disregard or disinterest in another person's feelings

Interpersonally exploitative behaviour - using another person for your own personal gains

A sense of entitlement - Feelings of superiority, which would lead a person to treat another as less than

Where's the conflation here?

The presence of this disorder in a person IS somewhat synonymous with the inenivitable abusive behaviour that would result from said disorder. That's why it's a disorder! That's why it's in the DSM V! That's why it's a problem that needs addressing in the NHS, which was what my first post was about.

The term narcissistic abuse is not conflation.

‘Cognitive dissonance’ – believing in two opposing thoughts simultaneously. Despite the evidence, we tend to believe what the narcissist says. This confused state is often induced by ‘gaslighting’ – the attempt to deliberately confuse another person’s perception of reality.