Everything Unsaid

Can’t believe I still make it to another year in life. Thought I wouldn’t make it but here I am, surviving an unhappy life I’m living. If you asked me “why is it an unhappy life?” I couldn’t give you the answer for that kind of question. Is it because I’m expecting too much or because I want an easy life... I don’t know. Or maybe cause I don’t have a good relationship with God. I have so many desires in life but can’t afford them all.

When I look on the bright side I see that I have everything. I have the job, I have people who care about me, I have both parents who pray for me in their every prayer. But why am I unhappy. I’ve tried to live on the bright side but seems like my life is so dark it can’t even light up my world. Need more lights but I couldn’t find more.

“I am laying next   my lover. He is hugging me  ght. I  y   concen a  on what I am feeling physically but I can’t. My mind is not on him. I am wondering about life. I am wondering about a   e sudden changes  at happened so quickly. I do not even realize how far I have walked on  is pa . I can’t brea e. I  y   close my eyes   ease  e tangled mind but I just can’t. My mind is switching  om “I love  is man” and “I miss God”. Ever since I knew  is man, I have re ained  om my rou nes as a Chris an. I re se     y commit   what God has placed in my heart so  at I don’t feel guil  when I am wi  him. Why  e he do I have  is feeling?  e same ques on I asked af r I broke up wi  my first boy iend. Why  e  ck do I have  e feeling? Now I understand  e predicament a li le be er. I couldn’t handle my break-up we  because I had never had  at before. I want   love him and love God in  e same  me but I can’t. My heart keeps   ing me  at God is more important  an him. God is more important  an every ing. But i love him. I love my man so much I can’t s p  inking about him. He is as perfect as a man could be.

He is laying next   me and I  ink, “Should I    him? I know I am going   break his heart, but I do  is for  e best. For bo  of us.” I fina y    him   open his eyes and look at me. I begin      him about  e  me I had   go counseling   “figure out” who I was and if e person I  ough I was was rea y who I wan d   be. I  en  ld him about my devo on   God and  ings  at I  ld God I would never fa  in . He is lis ning care  y. I also   him about  e reason my last boy iend broke up wi  me. It was because he felt he was chea ng  om God and did not keep his promise   Him. I say in my mind, “Ok, if we are breaking up  day, I wi  endure  e pain. At least   some ex nd. I am ready.”  en he asks me what I want. I say, “I want   s p having  is feeling. I want   s p.” He pu s his body away  om me. He pushes me away. He   s me   s p  uching him. His body starts shaking. He is crying. I am hur ng  e man who loves me dearly. A man who adores me at my best and even worse in my worse. I  en realize how much he loves me; how much I love him  o.

He is burying his head in   e pi ow. He re ses   look at me. I look at him and start   cry. I cry because I surely do not want any of  is   happen. I want   be wi  him for long.

I love him. I start   cry. I    him  at I love him and I want him. It takes me a while   convince him   look at me. He is embarrassed   look at me. When he is looking at me, I see a beau  l man. I see a man whose love for me is uncondi ona y. He loves me for who I am and not just because of how I look.  is is  e man I have been dreaming for. A   is  me  e image had been somehow vague. Now it’s crystal clear. He is laying under me. I love him. I wi  never s p loving him.