The Adventures of C-Sums

I’LL KICK YOUR ASS. I’LL KICK HIS ASS. I’LL KICK MY OWN ASS… BECAUSE I DESERVE IT. I DESERVE TO KICK MY OWN ASS. I AM A FAILURE! 

Y-you ok there buddy? I only ask because… you’re standing on my front porch… in your underwear… with a bottle of scotch- you know what… I don’t want to pry… it’s just that uh… that escalated very quickly. 

SHHHHHHHH *pops your personal space bubble* SHHHHHHH IT’S OK. I’M GONNA KICK MY ASS FOR YOU.

I’m very uncomfortable right now, Sam. You’re in your underwear. Why? What happened to your pants?

SHHHHHH It’s ok… Just lean into the wind, Charles. Lean into the wind. *hugs*

Sam- Sam you have a problem. 

I’LL KICK YOUR ASS. I’LL KICK HIS ASS. I’LL KICK MY OWN ASS… BECAUSE I DESERVE IT. I DESERVE TO KICK MY OWN ASS. I AM A FAILURE! 

Y-you ok there buddy? I only ask because… you’re standing on my front porch… in your underwear… with a bottle of scotch- you know what… I don’t want to pry… it’s just that uh… that escalated very quickly. 

SHHHHHHHH *pops your personal space bubble* SHHHHHHH IT’S OK. I’M GONNA KICK MY ASS FOR YOU.

I’m very uncomfortable right now, Sam. You’re in your underwear. Why? What happened to your pants?

I’LL KICK YOUR ASS. I’LL KICK HIS ASS. I’LL KICK MY OWN ASS… BECAUSE I DESERVE IT. I DESERVE TO KICK MY OWN ASS. I AM A FAILURE! 

Y-you ok there buddy? I only ask because... you’re standing on my front porch... in your underwear... with a bottle of scotch- you know what... I don’t want to pry... it’s just that uh... that escalated very quickly. 

*picks up leftover fries from lunch sitting on desk and tosses them at you* THAT’S FOR TEACHING MY SON A CURSEWORD. HIS FIRST WORD WAS A CURSEWORD, STEVVIE. A CURSEWORD. THIS IS PERSONAL. *knocks the back of your seat with my feet*

*cackling* WHICH CURSE WORD WAS IT, CHUCKLES? DO TELL. I WANNA KNOW WHAT KIND OF FOUL MOUTHED HEATHEN YOU’RE RAISING.

WHERE DO I START? IT WAS THE F WORD FOR STARTERS AND THEN IT WAS THE S WORD. YOU DOOFUS. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOUR WIFE LEAVES YOU ALONE WITH HIM. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME FOR?

HEY, NOW. I DON’T FUDGIN’ CURSE WITH THE KIDDOS AROUND, PUNK. IF I WANTED TO MESS WITH YOU I’D MAKE YOUR KID AN ANDREW JACKSON STAN. HOW’D YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?

THEN WHERE DID HE LEARN THAT WORD, STEVE? WHERE DID HE LEARN IT?

WHY DON’T YOU ASK YOUR REPUBLICAN FRIENDS, YOU BIG PALOOKA. OR YOUR UNUSUALLY AGGRESSIVE LUMBERJACK ABOLITIONIST ATTACK DOG.

…. I honestly do not know who you’re referring to, YOU PIGMY.

…the dude who got into a fight with Charley? who has a lumberjack beard…..? your buddy?

*pops up behind you* YOU WANNA TALK SHIT, LITTLE MAN? 

*clears throat* I- I think I have been sorely mistaken as to who taught my son those words…. Yeah… this makes more sense

yeah, you big fuckin’ dipshit, i am a PERFECTLY well behaved fuckin’ babysitter, thanks. *sticks out tongue* Besides, Chucky v. 2 is gonna have to learn to talk like a man SOME TIME.

Chuckles McJr. will not wear. Thank you very much. 

*picks up leftover fries from lunch sitting on desk and tosses them at you* THAT’S FOR TEACHING MY SON A CURSEWORD. HIS FIRST WORD WAS A CURSEWORD, STEVVIE. A CURSEWORD. THIS IS PERSONAL. *knocks the back of your seat with my feet*

*cackling* WHICH CURSE WORD WAS IT, CHUCKLES? DO TELL. I WANNA KNOW WHAT KIND OF FOUL MOUTHED HEATHEN YOU’RE RAISING.

WHERE DO I START? IT WAS THE F WORD FOR STARTERS AND THEN IT WAS THE S WORD. YOU DOOFUS. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOUR WIFE LEAVES YOU ALONE WITH HIM. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME FOR?

HEY, NOW. I DON’T FUDGIN’ CURSE WITH THE KIDDOS AROUND, PUNK. IF I WANTED TO MESS WITH YOU I’D MAKE YOUR KID AN ANDREW JACKSON STAN. HOW’D YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?

THEN WHERE DID HE LEARN THAT WORD, STEVE? WHERE DID HE LEARN IT?

WHY DON’T YOU ASK YOUR REPUBLICAN FRIENDS, YOU BIG PALOOKA. OR YOUR UNUSUALLY AGGRESSIVE LUMBERJACK ABOLITIONIST ATTACK DOG.

…. I honestly do not know who you’re referring to, YOU PIGMY.

…the dude who got into a fight with Charley? who has a lumberjack beard…..? your buddy?

*pops up behind you* YOU WANNA TALK SHIT, LITTLE MAN? 

*clears throat* I- I think I have been sorely mistaken as to who taught my son those words.... Yeah... this makes more sense

*picks up leftover fries from lunch sitting on desk and tosses them at you* THAT’S FOR TEACHING MY SON A CURSEWORD. HIS FIRST WORD WAS A CURSEWORD, STEVVIE. A CURSEWORD. THIS IS PERSONAL. *knocks the back of your seat with my feet*

*cackling* WHICH CURSE WORD WAS IT, CHUCKLES? DO TELL. I WANNA KNOW WHAT KIND OF FOUL MOUTHED HEATHEN YOU’RE RAISING.

WHERE DO I START? IT WAS THE F WORD FOR STARTERS AND THEN IT WAS THE S WORD. YOU DOOFUS. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOUR WIFE LEAVES YOU ALONE WITH HIM. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME FOR?

HEY, NOW. I DON’T FUDGIN’ CURSE WITH THE KIDDOS AROUND, PUNK. IF I WANTED TO MESS WITH YOU I’D MAKE YOUR KID AN ANDREW JACKSON STAN. HOW’D YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?

THEN WHERE DID HE LEARN THAT WORD, STEVE? WHERE DID HE LEARN IT?

WHY DON’T YOU ASK YOUR REPUBLICAN FRIENDS, YOU BIG PALOOKA. OR YOUR UNUSUALLY AGGRESSIVE LUMBERJACK ABOLITIONIST ATTACK DOG.

.... I honestly do not know who you’re referring to, YOU PIGMY.

*picks up leftover fries from lunch sitting on desk and tosses them at you* THAT’S FOR TEACHING MY SON A CURSEWORD. HIS FIRST WORD WAS A CURSEWORD, STEVVIE. A CURSEWORD. THIS IS PERSONAL. *knocks the back of your seat with my feet*

*cackling* WHICH CURSE WORD WAS IT, CHUCKLES? DO TELL. I WANNA KNOW WHAT KIND OF FOUL MOUTHED HEATHEN YOU’RE RAISING.

WHERE DO I START? IT WAS THE F WORD FOR STARTERS AND THEN IT WAS THE S WORD. YOU DOOFUS. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOUR WIFE LEAVES YOU ALONE WITH HIM. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME FOR?

HEY, NOW. I DON’T FUDGIN’ CURSE WITH THE KIDDOS AROUND, PUNK. IF I WANTED TO MESS WITH YOU I’D MAKE YOUR KID AN ANDREW JACKSON STAN. HOW’D YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?

THEN WHERE DID HE LEARN THAT WORD, STEVE? WHERE DID HE LEARN IT?

SURPRISE, MOTHERFUCKERS. I’M BACK!

SAM I SWEAR IF YOU GO ANOTHER TIRADE LIKE LAST TIME…

NOOOO. LET HIM TIRADE. I WANT TO SEE PAPA SHOOT HIM WITH AN ELEPHANT GUN AGAIN.

....Yeah... actually... the way my life has been going that would be kind of fun.

SURPRISE, MOTHERFUCKERS. I’M BACK!

SAM I SWEAR IF YOU GO ANOTHER TIRADE LIKE LAST TIME...

*picks up leftover fries from lunch sitting on desk and tosses them at you* THAT’S FOR TEACHING MY SON A CURSEWORD. HIS FIRST WORD WAS A CURSEWORD, STEVVIE. A CURSEWORD. THIS IS PERSONAL. *knocks the back of your seat with my feet*

*cackling* WHICH CURSE WORD WAS IT, CHUCKLES? DO TELL. I WANNA KNOW WHAT KIND OF FOUL MOUTHED HEATHEN YOU’RE RAISING.

WHERE DO I START? IT WAS THE F WORD FOR STARTERS AND THEN IT WAS THE S WORD. YOU DOOFUS. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOUR WIFE LEAVES YOU ALONE WITH HIM. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME FOR?

*picks up leftover fries from lunch sitting on desk and tosses them at you* THAT’S FOR TEACHING MY SON A CURSEWORD. HIS FIRST WORD WAS A CURSEWORD, STEVVIE. A CURSEWORD. THIS IS PERSONAL. *knocks the back of your seat with my feet*

*glares* I HATE YOU SO MUCH. 

and never insult her food. and never tell her anything that you wanted to be kept moderately on the down-low. cause everyone’s gonna know that shit. and get ready to get passive aggressive’d into washing the dishes every night.

*facepalm* WHHHHHY?

*glares* I HATE YOU SO MUCH. 

…..WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? ROBBIE HAS A SLEEPOVER TONIGHT. WHERE ARE YOU GOING?! DUDE. DON’T DO THIS. OH GO- WHY?! *gets hit with a spoonful of jam* 

*from outside* WELCOME TO FATHERHOOD!!!!! TRIAL BY FIRE, SUCKER!!!!

YOU’RE EVIL YOU KNOW THAT? YOU KNOW THAT?! *shouts over the kids* 

.....WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? ROBBIE HAS A SLEEPOVER TONIGHT. WHERE ARE YOU GOING?! DUDE. DON’T DO THIS. OH GO- WHY?! *gets hit with a spoonful of jam*