Pixie Pictures

by Anonymous

I don’t know where to begin… I don’t think I have the words. Or maybe I do and I’m just too scared to say them out loud…

I was with him for over 2 years. I was 22-23. I can recognize now that he gaslighted me. I don’t think it was on purpose; just an insidious side-effect of the culture we live in. “You’re acting ridiculous.” “You should figure that out for yourself!” “You’re being very immature right now.” He should know, right? After all he was 5 years older, working full-time making triple what I was while trying to put myself through school. 

This isn’t about that. It’s about the times I’d wake up at 2 in the morning because he was pulling down my underwear. But I’d go along with it… sure I was sleeping and part of me was annoyed to be woken up sometimes by him entering me (5am comes too soon), but then he’d finish and I’d be left wanting more and frustrated that I’d finally gotten ‘turned on’ and it would be over. Then there were the 3ams when I’d wake up with his hands around my throat. I panicked he first time, elbowed him hard and nearly screamed, but he woke up, groggily asked me what was the matter and was surprised when I told him he was choking me. He apologized. It happened a few more nights and I tried to say that there must be some underlying issue. That maybe there were unresolved issues he was holding onto subconsciously. That maybe he was mad at me about something. He said here wasn’t. And eventually he began putting his hands around my throat near his climaxes. He never choked me until I couldn’t breathe (only the few times when he was sleeping, not during sex). I followed his lead. He almost never wanted sex during the day (when I would try to initiate). He wouldn’t talk about sex or preferences, so I followed his lead and let him put his hands around my neck.

I left him 4 years ago. “I think you’re making the biggest mistake of your life.” I never really thought of any of this. I thought of the other things that weren’t working in our relationship and how to look for a partner who would be right for me. And I found him. 3 years together now and we’re happy. But I find myself thinking on the past a lot. The ex, all that stuff I just wrote… I don’t know why I keep thinking back to it. I’m in a healthy relationship now. We’re able to talk about sex. He cares about me climaxing. He supports me on my bad days and good days.

Why am I thinking of the past? I don’t want to open that box. I’ve always counted myself as one of the lucky women who haven’t been assaulted or raped… and I’ve read a lot of stories on this Tumblr. I guess… I really can’t count myself as one of them… and now I’m crying and I don’t know what to do…