My Chaotic Writer's Mind

I have been making an intentional effort to work on my writing everyday.

I have entered a new decade of my life and I want change.

"If you want something you never had, you have to do something you've never done." - Thomas Jefferson

I have never worked on my writing everyday consistently. So, in order to get better at writing, I will be working on my writing everyday. Because I want to start my writing career.

Now, to me, this does not mean working on the same story or project everyday, no.

It means, I will be consistently writing something everyday. Be it, a scene, a scenario, a short story, or dialogue.

It can be apart of my current stories or something completely new or an exercise in a weak area of my writing.

It will be me actually writing something. Not brainstorming, not outlining, none of that. It'll be actual words and a scene.

This does not mean I won't ever brainstorm or outline, I just won't count it toward my writing practice.

I'm choosing not to count brainstorming and outlining in my writing practice because that is what I have been doing and it has not gotten me the results I have been looking for. This is where the Thomas Jefferson quote comes in.

So, lately, I have been working out my weak writing muscles and have discovered just how weak they are, but that is good, because I have a starting point now and I am excited to see how I grow.

I have so many stories to tell and sick of them not being out in the world already.

I'm trying to pay attention to myself and get ahold of my chaotic writer mind.

In a previous post I mentioned how much of a bad mood I was in after working on my Vigilante Justice Thriller story and how I had wondered if I would always feel so bad when working on it ... Wellllllll, I haven't worked on it again for months 🙄 .... most likely to avoid the bad mood it will put me in (but of course the story is always on my mind).

Anyways, I have decided to put my focus onto my Cozy Murder Mystery story.

I never feel awful after working on that story but I do often feel like I'm dizzy ... because of all the moving parts.

Murder Mysteries are some of my favorite stories to read, listen to, or watch. I just Love them! I have so many Murder Mystery ideas it's criminal! 😆

All this to say, that since I feel a huge amount of resistance and unwillingness to be in an awful mood from my other story I have chosen to listen to myself and shift my focus onto my Murder Mystery.

For the first time, in a long time, I have been writing consistently. Where did this come from? Did I have this ability the whole time?

I have had 'writer's block' FOR YEARS!!!! It was really debilitating. It made me feel frustrated, awful, like a loser, like I wasn't actually meant to be an author, which was very crushing because I have stories in my head that WILL NOT SHUT UP!! I thought I'd go insane from my lack of being able to write and the incessant noise of the stories in my head.

Recently, I wrote a 100 word scenario and posted it to a social media I have and one follower that I have been getting close too said they couldn't get the scenario out of their mind and wondered if I would want to continue the story with him. Like, I write one part and then he writes one part.

I was worried obviously because I've had writer's block for so long but I thought, "Fuck it! Let's give it a try."

To my absolute surprise, I was WRITING!!!! Who am I? Since when could I do this? Is it because I have a writing partner? Could it be because someone was waiting on me so that they could continue to write their part? Was it because I got feed back immediately? Is it because I am not planning the story out at all? I just straight up pantsed it! Pantsed! Me, a pantser ?!?!

I don't fucking know. But I'm interested in seeing how this new way of writing will work in my stories. Will it work? Will I choke again?

Regardless, I have agreed to write another story with my social media friend. It's casual, no pressure, just for fun. The best part of the writing that I've recently done is that it's actually good!!

I hope this new writer in me will stick around and I'd actually be able to get these stories out of my head and into the world.

A tad bit NSFW (gifs)

I have 2 dark romances, one I have read and one I am currently reading, Wicked Pursuit by Katee Robert (Read) and Lights Out by Navessa Allen (Reading).

Masked Men 

Primal Play

Stalking

Dubious Consent

I read Wicked Pursuit fairly quickly and was hungry for more. I was/am obsessed with it. I want to read it again!

But …

Lights Out on the other hand ...

Within the past couple weeks a new story idea has hit me. It's a story and genre I never thought I could write, well .... not seriously, anyway.

It's a Dark Romance idea.

This is the very gif that inspired the whole thing!!!

I get stuck watching it over and over and over again while the story develops in my mind. I have songs I listen too while watching this gif and the muse just takes me away.

It gives me hope that I could make something of this.

I read Dark Romance anyway so ... theres that xD

I admire how Pantsers can just write and keep going with basically no preparation.

I do not possess such a talent. I need to plan and brainstorm and then ask myself the tough intimate questions of the story.

I wish I could just write and worry about that stuff later.

But I can't. I've tried.

I have been in a foul mood lately after working on one of my stories.

The story in question is my Vigilante Justice Thriller, and it's a very important story to me.

I recently decided to go with a more abusive origin story for my main character. It was something I was undecided about for a long ass time.

Plus, it was the origin story that I had the most ideas for and it just makes more sense for her character later on. (She's filled with RAGE.)

But, my god, have I been in a bad mood since than!

I haven't started writing it yet. I've just brainstormed and outlined a bit. (The abusive origin story part.)

But to be honest, I have been working on this story for years. I've written scenes, brainstormed, outlined, written character bios, come up with other stories in the series, have a playlist for the story, and so many things on Pinterest for it as well.

This story has been in my head, taunting me, consuming me. And now I'm in a foul mood.

I worry that I'll always feel like this while I'm writing this series.

While working on a comedic piece of writing, I decided it would be HILARIOUS to constantly use my main characters names instead of using she and he more. (It's 3rd person omniscient too)

BOY WAS THAT DUMB!!!!

Everyone that I've had read it finds it difficult to read because of the amount of times I've used the characters names.

Even when I have read it out loud to people they seem surprised/distracted by the sheer number of times I have used their names.

Which, is kind of funny to me.

But the problem is, they aren't paying attention to my story they are too hung up on how many times the names are being used.

THAT'S A HUGE PROBLEM!

What I thought could be funny is now distracting to the reader. I don't want that. Now I have to go back and change damn near every time I've used their names to the more "invisible" she & he.

This story is a little over 13,000 words and for reference I used my female main character's name around 1,500 times and the male main character's over a 1,000.

You live and you learn.

So, I'm watching Ghosted (2023) starring Chris Evans and Ana de Armas.

Chris Evans' character is running around in a dangerous situation with a messenger bag hanging off one shoulder while also dragging his luggage.

This is the point where my pet peeve comes in. I cannot stand when characters carry purses, bags, back packs, what-have-you on one shoulder.

If they are walking, standing, or sitting, who cares. The problem for me is when something tense starts happening and they have to constantly struggle to keep the bag on their shoulder.

I always find this so aggravating to watch. It's like, put both straps on or position it cross-body.

I don't know why they want to struggle with that problem while all this chaos is happening. Securing your bag is an easy solution to a minor problem.

Like in Captain America: Civil War (2016), Bucky is being chased and he initially has his backpack on one of his shoulders, but then after throwing it to a roof top and jumping out the window, Bucky doesn't just put both backpack straps on he even snaps it across his chest!

This is really signaling to me that Bucky is dead serious about keeping ahold of his backpack. And he will not let the backpack get in his way of trying to escape.

I have the goal of self-publishing my writing. I just have to finish them.

My stories mostly consist of crime, justice, vigilantism, crime solving, revenge, vengeance, & serial killer, etc.

On the other side of my writing, I go off the rails. I will write satire, paranormal romance, parodies, and all kinds of funny silly stuff.

I am a chaotic writer.

I get SO many story ideas ALL the time!!

And yet, I can't seem to get them out of me and on paper. It is truly frustrating.

I can write notes, upon notes, upon notes about my stories but I can't seem to WRITE THE STORY. I don't know what the hell that's about, but I'm being driven insane by it.

Is this writer's block???