ChaoticSymphony's journal

I'll think to myself.Oh, I think she'll like this.And then I look up and I was like,

My oshi

My friend

Gone just like that

Months have past since i last heard her voice

I remember the first time i heard it

Sometimes i wish the first time had been the last

She was there when i needed her

She called me her friend

She went out of her way for me at times

Even they’re in the end

But then she left me just the same as everyone else

I wanted to beg

Just one channel left

I would’ve promised to have been less needy

To give her more space

But it would not have been fair, to the rest in which she have even listened

Likely she would have left me along with the rest anyways

She called me her friend

She lied to me

And now shes gone

7 months now

Her birthday approachs

And I wondered to myself if she came back tomorrow would I be happy?

Could I trust her?

Could I ever trust her as I had?

Perhaps that bond is forever severed

 Perhaps it doesn’t matter

After all, you don’t leave like that if you intend to come back

She might as well be dead

To me, she might as well be dead

But I can’t help I but hope

Somehow someway that she will return and then when she does, I’ll be able to smile and we’ll be able to go on like nothing happened

But i dont forget

I cant forget

Abandoned like nothing

Like i meant nothing

But again

It doesnt matter anymore

my name is Autumn

But My name is also Mocha

or so it has been for nearly 4 years, she was there for me when i needed her, she stepped in when Autumn was broken, she wasn't meant to be anything serious, just a mask to hide behind, a character to play,

but she became me,

she helped me rebuild who i was, she retaught me the things i loved, made me learn that i am an occasionally petty person

And thats ok,

For awhile i liked being her i found myself calling myself by her name even when outside the community where she lived,

In someways i was more Mocha than I was Autumn

Mocha has tons of friends, Autumn only has a couple, Though i guess technically Mocha’s friends are Autumn’s but

They are all so far away

Mocha was built originally around one person, and that person in gone, mocha is incomplete without her

But Autumn is

Autumn is strong now, Autumn is happy and for a short while the two could coexist as equals but

Autumn is bright, Autumn is Silly,

These days i no longer feel like Mocha is me,

Autumn is me, and she always has been

Mocha is my daughter, my beloved cherished daughter

Occasionally im beginning to feel off when called by her name, but for so many now mocha is the only name i’ve ever had and i could never fully discard her, i could never want to

But she isnt me

Wether it be with a customer or a coworker