I write things, usually for small, ancient fandoms that hardly anyone remembers. Lots of small ficbits and lots of planning and discussion. Life tag is Chaos no and writing is Chaos Writes.
- i’m socially exhausted
- i don’t have the time right now
- i don’t know how to reply
- i have a bad memory and got distracted
- i’m having a depressive episode and don’t have the energy to socialise
not reasons i haven’t replied back:
- i’m ignoring you just because
- i hate you
- i’m fed up with you
- i don’t want to be your friend anymore
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Ok, so audio is synced, computer is finally running ok. Now to make the video decent quality while I record (which is a paiiinnnn because laptop can barely handle it).
Right, so it’s prime day and out of curiosity I checked on some capture cards. I’ve been wanting to get into recording/streaming things for a while and I have a bit left over from my inheritance so I went for it. (Husband will be building me a gaming computer as soon as the graphics card market settles the eff down.)
So it’s going to be a thing now? Yay?
(This reminds me that I have some screenshots that I need to post in the queue, also this is in the queue because the more things between me and the bottom the better.)
Instead of writing like I am supposed to, I am playing FFXII. I have no regrets.
(Don’t you just love when you pre-order something months in advance, see someone post something and go ‘oh yeah, I need that in my life’ and then find out past-you is awesome?)
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Taking a minor break on account of life is exhausting when you’re a night owl and then have to wake up at 4 AM to get to work (ok, it’s really 6 but I have to start my alarms at 4 or I never wake up). Three day weekend was very nice though, this is also a reminder to start building up the queue before it starts posting things I don’t want it to.
Title: [TBD]
Fandom: Silent Hill 4/Downpour
Pairing: Gen.
Warnings: Canon-typical everything.
Summary: Post 4 & Downpour. Battered, bedraggled and with nowhere else to go, Murphy receives one last letter on the way out of Silent Hill.
Notes: Just a snippet, obviously unfinished. Some things might be changed before it’s posted to AO3, but I’m generally happy with the way it turned out. @holehere, sorry I could not figure how to reply before. Here’s the first part <3.
In Silent Hill, death was only a mindset. Murphy had learned that very well, having met enough dead people in his travels. He didn't think he was dead yet, the ache of his many bruises and the sting from where a bullet had grazed him reminded him he was alive. If he were dead, he wouldn't ache this way. The town would heal him so it could hurt him all over again.
He put one foot in front of the other, trudging down the eerily quiet road, mind blank as he tried to come up with an explanation for anything he had just gone through. He was free, he was alive and it seemed the town was letting him go. The fog was lightening with every step he took, the sun was shining without a cloud in sight and there was not a single shadow of a monster on the streets. In the wake of the terror he had faced since the bus crash, the quiet of the streets was unnerving. He checked the radio to make sure it was still on, just in case. Not even a crackle of static.
"Got one last letter for you Murphy," the voice was everywhere and no where at once. Murphy glanced around, expecting a familiar figure to emerge from the fog. Instead as he turned, Howard was standing behind him, hand extended  towards him with an envelope. His name was written on the back in a very familiar handwriting. Murphy was accustomed enough to guilt that the slight pang that arose upon seeing that was nothing compared to the weight he had shouldered for so long.
"... Thanks," Murphy said, taking the letter delicately, as if it was a bomb about to explode in his face. Howard smiled at him, tipping his hat to him before walking back into the thick fog and disappearing. Murphy watched him go before inspecting the object in his hands.
It had already been opened, which Murphy had expected. He had seen this letter before, he had read this letter before. He had received it the week before Charlie had disappeared and forgotten about it with everything that had followed. Despite his best intentions, he had never responded to it.
The letter was from his sole remaining blood relative now that Charlie was gone: Henry Townshend. Their mothers had been sisters and had died in the same accident. Henry had been fortunate enough to have been taken in by distant relatives who in turn had requested that Murphy be moved from Silent Hill's wish house to a catholic orphanage closer to their home, citing religious reasons. It would be years before they knew what a bullet they had dodged. The nuns had always treated Murphy well, all things considered.
Henry and Murphy had kept in touch over the years. They weren't close, but every now and then Murphy'd get a letter or a phone call, he'd respond and then forget about it until the next time Henry called. Murphy had never been the one to contact him first, out of shame and guilt. It was such a small thing now, Murphy didn't even let it bother him as he moved towards a payphone, a silent prayer whispered almost unwillingly as he moved.
When he picked up the phone, he was immediately comforted by the sound of the dial tone. The amount of coins in his pocket was exactly enough and he knew better than to question it. It took one breath, a glance at the letter to make sure he was dialing the right number and then the phone was ringing, once, twice, three times.
The other side picked up and suddenly all Murphy could hear was static. A quick glance around showed the area was entirely clear of fog and monsters. He reached up and clicked the radio off, focusing entirely on what was happening on the other side of the phone.
"Hello?" Henry sounded exactly like he always did, exhausted and wary of every social interaction. "You've reached Henry Townshend, who is this?"
As anyone who plays Dungeons and Dragons knows, interesting things tend to happen. Our current campaign is set up like this: there are two different parties & sessions, one on the ‘human’ side and one on the monster. My party is on the monster side.
- We have a Hobgoblin Paladin who doesn’t know he’s a paladin. He is hilarious and priceless.
- Second party member is a Goblin Artificer. He used to work at Boombang corporation. He made a masterwork shotgun that the Hobgoblin Paladin is using.
- Third party member is a Fallen Aasimar bard. She has gloves that leave rainbow trails behind whenever she moves her hands.
- Fourth party member is my guy, a Yuan-Ti Sorceror/Diplomat. He’s an opportunistic little dick, the only thing stopping him from being a real destructive force is that he, like me, constantly forgets what he is doing and is distracted by something shiny.
- I have OOCly announced that one of the goals I have is for my character to eat a party member.Â
- During our first session we put a cat in charge of a bar, if we had been able to, we would have put him in charge of the town.
- He was a cat with godlike intelligence, but still a cat. In our first encounter he ran screaming from me when the Hobgoblin announced I was a snake.
- I accidentally spent an entire session as a snake wearing aviators.
- No really, I made a bad roll on balance and fell into the water. When the DM asked if I could swim, I replied ‘I’m an aquatic snake’.
- So he let me be a snake (we had discussed the polymorph thing before, I meant, duh, of course I can swim; the species I based him off of is aquatic and he took it to mean I was really a snake).
- The bard and I accidentally acquired 100 gold each while waiting for the goblins to finish their business. She performed and I drew people in for it.
- The Hobgoblin bought us all aviators. His character and mine are the only one wearing them.
- The Hobgoblin also beat someone up and handed the body to me. Both the DM & I thought he meant for me to get rid of the evidence.
- He did not.
- He confiscated the still living NPC and threw him in a trashcan.
- My character is still annoyed at the waste of a good meal.
- I made friends with a giant anaconda and a pit viper.
- The anaconda scared the Goblin so badly he ran off and nearly died.
- Ironically that same anaconda brought him back to the party because I asked it to.
- There was an incident with the anaconda so he didn’t leave the swamp with me, but the viper did.
- His name is Danger Noodle.
friendly reminder that if i have ever befriended you and have not spoken to you in a while it’s nothing you’ve done wrong it’s just because i’m a piece of shit at keeping in contact with people and i still love you okay good
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You are a sweetheart who is endlessly creative and imaginative and I love seeing you on my dash <3. I've known you since you were a kid so it has to be true, lol. (Also: Hi! I found Tumblr again.)
The only thing I post are reblogs. I don’t do anything. And not quite sure if childhood counts, everyone was always more interested in my sisters than me. I’m obnoxious.
Hey now, you were a cute kid, not any more obnoxious than my little sister. You were awkward yes, but who wasn’t? (And it’s not like I have any room to judge, I am like, the queen of awkward).
I like seeing your comments on things and the back and forth you have with your friends in the tags. It’s cute. One doesn’t have to produce a whole lot of content to be creative.
One does if one intends to GET anywhere in life. I only asked for… idk what i was asking FOR … because I suck at self motivating and i need to finish this fucking comic page because it was SUPPOSED to be up on patreon yesterday but I had to work Tuesday and have been so down and stressed I’m struggling to bring myself to make it even though i know it would only take a couple hours.
And then there’s the whole- WHATS EVEN THE POINT it’s not like anyone is there to see it if I post it on time or not ANYWAY. But It still has to drop publicly NEXT week but because it’s been half a year since that comic was active no one really cares about it now that it is and just UGH!
But i HAVE to keep producing content, in fact I have to produce MORE content! we already have 2 other comics in planning stages one already starting to be hyped on dA because despite working a full time job and getting a decent damn wage i STILL don’t make enough to cover all my bills, gas food and then I’m stuck at home for weeks on end unable to leave the house interact with anyone other than MOM. AND I gotta be saving up too because there’s only 1 more year of school left and then all my student fees are due and I want OUT of this hell state and to live with my best friend, own a Scottish Kilt kitty and create comics and novels and other cool content together! But that will probably never even happen because I’m nothing but a dreaming failure!
I’m just so tired. all the time. Some days I want to just die, but insurance wont cover that.
I have been there, well not in that exact situation but a similar one. I only owed a friend of mine something and I couldn’t go through with it because I was/am so damn tired that even though it would not take me more than an hour or two, I just couldn’t bring myself to write it.
There were other factors involved, but I still feel guilty that I didn’t finish it or go through with it. Sometimes every unfinished project is like a knife to my heart and I just cannot go on anymore (... especially since I keep starting things and not finishing them).
Sometimes I still cannot make myself do it, I haven’t actually written anything worthy of being shown outside my notebooks in months. I actually logged back into tumblr to get myself back into the habit of writing daily (I filled the bottom of my queue with embarrassing stories so I would be -forced- to write something up and pop it in there).
It’s... yeah, it’s a lot. Especially when you aren’t sure if anyone’s really reading it or if it’s even being noticed. You start feeling sad and depressed and then start wondering if it’s even worth it at all. You want to produce, you don’t want to produce. You want a nap that lasts forever, you want to stay up all night and watch silly cat videos. It happens.
Yeahhhh... Work sucks and it will always suck you in when you least expect it. You think they have it settled then next thing you know you get a phone call at 6AM after working six days in a row asking you to come in because someone did a thing or wants to do a thing (and you notice that if you want to do a thing, no one wants to cover for you :/). It sucks and they do not pay anyone enough. It’s a cesspool of need and want and ugh.
However, you have to keep on the bright side. You have goals, you have dreams and you absolutely can do it! I believe in you! You are smart and creative and can achieve anything you set out to do. I know it’s rough, especially when that little voice in the back of your mind starts talking incessantly. Do not let that little voice win.
I can sympathize with being tired all the time. I am too, not so tired that I’d really like to die, but so tired I’d just like to not exist for an unspecified amount of time because just thinking takes too much effort some days.
It will be ok <3. Just take your time and do it little by little, don’t think of everything you have to do all at once or you’ll get overwhelmed.
You are a sweetheart who is endlessly creative and imaginative and I love seeing you on my dash <3. I've known you since you were a kid so it has to be true, lol. (Also: Hi! I found Tumblr again.)
The only thing I post are reblogs. I don’t do anything. And not quite sure if childhood counts, everyone was always more interested in my sisters than me. I’m obnoxious.
Hey now, you were a cute kid, not any more obnoxious than my little sister. You were awkward yes, but who wasn’t? (And it’s not like I have any room to judge, I am like, the queen of awkward).
I like seeing your comments on things and the back and forth you have with your friends in the tags. It’s cute. One doesn’t have to produce a whole lot of content to be creative.
So a while back I was thinking about Henry and Murphy and how they look alike/might be related. I did a fair amount of writing on it, but some of it didn’t flow right and I’m probably going to rewrite it when I get the time (who am I kidding, I never have time, lol).
Anyway, I thought writing out my thoughts and putting them out where other people could see them would kickstart my desire to write.
Placing it under the cut so that if I do ever get around to writing & posting it, people who don’t want to be spoiled will not be. Keep in mind this is a barebones outline and I probably will scrap some stuff. And it is in no way in chronological order.
So I was thinking about how Murphy was raised in an orphanage and Henry’s possible connections to Walter. I remembered a bit of Henry’s comments on his childhood photos. Then it all came together.
- Henry & Murphy are cousins, their parents died in a car crash.
- At one point they were both considered for Wish House, which is where Walter decided upon Henry as his receiver.
- Henry had relatives remaining who adopted him, Murphy did not.
- It will be post SH4, 21 sacraments ending to be exact.
- Also post Downpour. Good ending.
- Murphy will be wondering what the hell he should do, where he should go as he walks through the quiet, not-active ruins of Silent Hill.
- ‘Got one final letter for you Murphy’. It’s either a pamphlet with Henry’s photos or Henry’s final address/phone number.
- Henry died around the same time as Charlie, with the trauma that followed Murphy just ‘forgot’ to contact his cousin. Also the body probably could not have been identified and with the other death in the family, the police just decided to let it be just in case Henry popped back up. (In that area, it probably does happen a lot, to be honest).
- A very confusing phone call that happens while Murphy is in Silent Hill. Lots of static heard, but no monsters make an appearance.
- Murphy arrives at the apartment building, is greeted at the door by Frank, walks past Billy and Miriam on the stairs, Eileen is watching them with little Walter at her side.
- Henry is conspicuously missing from the apartment, but there is a note with a plausible explanation & a mention of appeasing a grumpy roommate.
- At one point Henry calls the apartment while he’s still ‘out’, Murphy answers. There’s still static in the background.
- Murphy stays the night, weird shit happens, he never sees Henry, but he hears him. He passes this off as lingering weirdness from his visit to Silent Hill.
- Murphy leaves, convenient NPC stops him on the way out, asks him what the hell he was doing in there. He turns around, building looks like it’s been abandoned for years.
- ‘Apartment 302 got it the worse, they never did find the body, but oh lord did they find the blood.’
- Murphy looks back again, building is pristine, Henry is in the door waving. He points at his shirt pocket. Murphy mimics him and finds Henry’s wallet in his pocket.
- Murphy Pendleton is dead, Henry Townshend is alive. (Though in reality it is quite the opposite).
- Murphy is so done with everything. He hops on the nearest bus and ends up in Shepard’s Glen. Because why not?
So between finishing the last post and this, the tablet I bought specifically for writing upon had a dog related accident. (whoops). Very annoyed and very grateful I have enough saved up to immediately replace it with something I like better. It is shiny, red and will have armor & a protection plan, something I forgot to put on the other one.
I wasn’t exactly thrilled with how the broken tablet was handling and while I am not exactly excited about having to replace something I use pretty frequently (there was some screaming, but at least I got my money’s worth out of it), what I bought was what I wanted in the first place but didn’t have the funds to get. (Also red! Yassss.)
I’m annoyed, I’m delighted and more importantly, there’s now another post in the queue between me and embarrassing stories I don’t want to share with the internet.
Now that my queue has been sufficiently filled with enough embarassing stories to shame me into ensuring that at least two things have been written (say what you want about me, I do know how to motivate myself when it comes down to it), let's start with some quality(Ha!) content.
Silent Hil has always been one of my favorite series, even though I have never really participated in the fandom. I think I have written and posted a total of one fanfic for it and that was way back when livejournal was still active (but not, incidentally when any of the Silent Hill comms were). There's a few more lingering around my writing folders, but I was never really satisfied with their quality so they were never posted. Granted, even when games -were- coming out the fandom was never really large, nor did it have a lot of fic so I'm sure that if I had posted it would have been welcomed.
Anyway, 4 has always been my favorite, as well as being the scariest. I'm not saying it's the best, it does have its flaws as they all do. But it has a special place in my heart. I can and will go on for hours if not days about 4's characters, lore & storyline (which is why I am saving it for a separate post). Henry is my favorite protagonist, Walter makes me want to write all the fix-it fics, Eileen is <3 and Frank... Well, he makes it easy to understand why James is so weird.
Downpour is a close second. I like the little bits of lore we learn here and there, the implications that James was only one of many called into the town to be punished, and also how far Murphy was willing to go for Charlie. Silent Hill has always been this interesting mesh of good & terrible parenting and I really like how strong a theme it is in Downpour. I only have one really strong plot bunny for it, and I will probably post some snippets of this later.
The original is my next highest ranked. I have nothing but love for Harry. All the love. Best Dad. And also Lisa <333. I really wish we had gotten a better remake than... whatever the hell Shattered Memories was supposed to be. Something like RE1's remake would have been awesome, an expansion on the story instead of a very, very alternate take.
Origins is fourth on the list if only because it's so damn creepy. After 4 this is the one I found the scariest. Travis didn't make much of an impression on me (though I do find the idea of him being trapped in that area, picking up hitchhikers and bringing them to Silent Hill forever very intriguing). The Butcher, while fascinating is also a bit horrifying and kind of felt like a combination of Valtiel and Pyramid Head, not really original. Never really gotten any plot bunnies for it, aside from some post-3 Harry feels.
2, 3 & 5 are all equally ranked, I love Heather & Alex. James is... special. I'd like Homecoming a bit more if it was set in Silent Hill itself.
I think I am done on this for the moment, more later probably.
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One of the issues I have been having lately is not writer’s block, but the fact that what should be a quick little 500+ word ficlet turns into a 10k+ word monster and I just do not have the time for that. Especially when I am already multi-tasking and have about ten things that need to be done right now.
And also editing, so much editing needs to be done. [I feel I should also mention that I have switched between three different writing programs this year alone, so everything is also a muddle.]
Why plot? Why? I just wanted a drabble, not a multi-chaptered fic. I want quick fic, not effort fic...
Whoops. I may have kind of sort of forgotten my password? And some things happened, had a death in the family, got promoted at work, life sucks & people are complicated, etc, etc.
I’ve barely had any time to write because I am exhausted because my schedule keeps flopping from opening and evening shifts, which in turn leads me to missing out on talking with my friends who either keep opposite sleep schedules or are in different time zones.Â
Basically I logged in because I missed talking to @iamkatsudone, @scythesxroses and @alynnl <3.
I will try to be around more often but I make no promises and I will definitely queue up some things so this blog has a little more content other than...
Ok, so it’s all going to be random nonsense, it’s me, What else would you expect?