Tears of a Standout Chameleon

It’s not you.

I’m his mother. So why can’t I figure out how to be his fucking mother?!

He doesn't care. I say Stop smoking Stop drinking While you drive Don't you want to be alive? I want you to. He says He doesn't care. He didn't care. When I said I love you And I wrote you A song I could sing it for you? I want to. He said He doesn't care. He didn't care When he picked up my notebook And read aloud my words My thoughts My fears To everyone around Did I say you could do that? I didn't. He said He doesn't care. He didn't care When I had that sixth beer And a shot of UV blue All the better to see you with My dear All the better to steal from you My dear Was I responsive? I wasn't. He clearly didn't care. You cared. When I needed you And you needed me too It was everything to me And I would give anything To have one more night with you Would you? I want you to. But I know You don't care.

Sometimes I wonder Are you still listening? Did you give up on your words? I've given up on mine Many times. I wouldn't blame you For starting new For leaving everything behind If I could I would too. Are you still out there? Reading from afar While you're sitting there Nursing a beer Alone at the bar Or are you not alone anymore? I don't want to know I want to see you always As I remember you now Eyes shining No Sparkling No Shimmering Laughing Hoping Loving. Crinkled corners And Rumpled sleeves We were messy And carefree And careful And loved. Every day I wonder Are you still there?

“So you’re taking the bus home, right?”

Self destruction is my specialty. I think too much And I'm losing sleep Over Knots untied And rolled up sleeves I try to bend But break it seems I fall And fall And scrape my knees I start to smile I'm just a tease Spare me the Subdued apologies. Every match I light Seems to flicker And the doubts In my heart Are growing quicker And the feelings I have For you make me quiver And if I had just a sliver Of courage I'd stop. But I don't.

I don't want you anymore. I don't want him either. I don't want anyone anymore. I just want myself. I want freedom I want acceptance I want happiness. I want clothing tossed on the floor And no lectures in response. I want slices of cheese left on the counter And laughter the next day instead of snide remarks. I want respect and nurturing words And I LOVE YOUs. Why don't you ever say I love you First? Every day I feel people wanting me Except you. Every day people tell me they love me Except you. If I went a whole day without saying those three words, Would you even notice? If I didn't come home tomorrow, Would you even notice? Let's find out.

Still The oceans Of Missing you Roar In anger. And I thought I was better And I thought I was done But it's no wonder I've been a smoking gun Of betrayal. His eyes don't shine anymore They don't see me the way that you did. His mind doesn't value me My respect is lost on him. It's over But it's not yet begun And I'm losing Because I chose the wrong one. What have I done Oh god What have I done.

It gets harder every night To remember how it felt To hold your hand. And I hate myself For letting that memory Slip away Like I let you Slip away. I wish I could take it back I wish I could change it But we can't. You left And I am leaving. And our hands Might never touch again.

Drunk On wine And Loneliness This is my life. Post grad Is a sham It gets better They all say Fuck their words They complain About such Trivial bullshit Like they've never Felt anything Besides Monotonous Ordinary Tedious Living. You're not living. I'm not living. I'm just sitting Waiting Alone With my phone And my wine. I'm inclined To say It gets better. But does it?

Weakness I'll complete this Get on with it Get over it Move faster Hit harder The stings I've been harboring Anger Frustration I'm useless So fuck this Don't look In my eyes Don't see My disguise I'm loving Every second Of the pain That you give me. Yeah right I'm uptight Lose the attitude Can we be done soon? When I lay here You can't see my face Thank god I just need some space. Finally Lie down Cue the sound Of your snoring And the whir Of the tv Because now It's just me.

One step. Two steps. Nothing. I am leaving And I have nothing. No plans No future No hope. Three steps. Four steps. This is the only place that I have ever felt at home. And now I'm expected to just clear out and move on. But I have no where else to go. Five steps. What am I doing? Six steps. Nothing. Seven steps. Where am I going? Eight steps. Nowhere. Nine. Alone. Ten. Afraid. Eleven. Run. I'm done.

We need to talk. I need to see you. I can't keep feeling this Emptiness I'm depressed And it's Killing me. I can't eat I can't sleep I can't erase you from my thoughts Or keep you in my life Like a stranger. It's getting harder To breathe And concentrate And live And exist In world where You hate me. When you said you loved me. And I believed you. Why did we have to start hurting each other? I just want to rewind it all. I want to go back. I take it all back. Take me back to the snowy days Where I was only warm In your arms.