猫

To him,

The only person who saw the real me.

He, who I loved more than anything, even myself.

I was stupid.

I went crazier the more I got scared of losing you.

The longer I was with you, the more I thought about how I couldn’t live without you.

Your smile. Your eyes.

So many thoughts I’m afraid to write down. The only person I could talk to and tell everything.

I felt the happiest when I could see your face, hold your hand or just lay next to you.

I knew you were eventually going to stop loving me.

All I had were flaws.

All I wanted was you. And you knew it.

I begged you for more time, but your patience ran out.

It was my fault.

I wanted you to make me feel better. I was a mess.

I’ve loved you for 4 or 5 years now... How do I make it stop?...

If I could turn back the time I would.

I know you don’t want me making contact. I know you’d rather want me dead. I know you’d rather have me suffering. I know. But I don’t listen. I’d rather listen to my stupid heart and head for making me write all of this down, or even think about you.

I wish I’d never met you, just so that I wouldn’t have to go through all of this pain.

But I don’t regret loving you, or anything I did with you. I really did love you.

I wasn’t good at making you feel better when we weren’t next to each other, but I tried my hardest. I had a lot of problems I wanted to fix. Because I didn’t want to lose you.

Maybe it was too late, but it never was for me.

I cried in front of you. And you didn’t do anything.

You couldn’t even look at me.

I wanted to hold your hand. And you pushed me away.

Paint me as the bad person.

You said you wanted to do what was best for yourself by ending it all, not thinking about what would happen to me. And I wanted us to stay, what you said was best for me. But I just wanted us to be happy again. Like it was before. Together.

How and why would someone love a person they’ve destroyed mentally.

I’m hurt and I don’t want to tell anyone but you.

You’ve hurt my heart and if it’s possible my soul. Destroyed even.

I’ve always loved you. Ever since our eyes met.

I couldn’t stop myself for falling again when you started, oh god how I wish you hadn’t.

I’ve always loved you. Then and still now.

I’ve been thinking about you every day.

Every day it’s hard.

Every thought possible, and nothing can be done.

If I asked you to forgive me, I know you wouldn’t.

I’m sorry for loving you. But my sorry’s won’t be enough.

I don’t regret you. You were everything I wanted.

I know what it’s like to lose someone you love so much. To lose someone you can’t fight for. And I could fight for you, for us. It wasn’t too late.

I know your ways of hurting me. It’s obvious. You say things you know are going to hurt me. You want to hurt me. Because for the first time someone got to break your heart. I can be wrong. But why else would you write down what you did that day and send it to me, words that can mentally destroy someone.

But paint me as the bad person.

I don’t know you anymore.

I’ve always loved you. I feel it.

Your smile. You eyes. Your laughter. Our cute moments together.

I cherish everything. It’s all I’ve got. I’ve never had anyone else, so why would I throw away the best memories.

I’ve always loved you. Know that.

I still miss you. Even more now.

Goodbye, b.