Chai's comfort zone

who knows what the future holds I guess

I've met a tree in human clothing , he's kind tall and carrying but he wont last for long, he claims that I'm flawless but by the time his leaves will fall he'll be gone and my heart will stay shattered

and I've been burning for a while trust me , burning out, burning by your words that hit me like a bullet and bled out and yet with each time I came back stronger, happier and wiser. thank you for being so shallow and showing me how to be better in this cruel world, with each step I take I learn more and more how to walk in this fire and absorb my surrounding to differentiate the bad and the good, I'll keep on burning until I emerge into a better me and you will sit out of bullets in pride and acceptance

I'm sorry for being this crazy

I regret ghosting people when I feel vulnerable or when I don’t know how to put the right words, I’ve hurt to many people cause I can’t handle certain situations but I could’ve solved them or make it less painful by just talking things out even if I can’t I need to try but many times I just shut down and don’t know what to say, I need to learn how to handle this to become better , no one deserves this

and mainly become a better version of me with each day that passes by

or anything else that will bring the fulfilment or purpose of life, but what if it doesn’t? what if there isn’t any purpose, I mean there are so many people, so many ways of living, we just live and die, what we feel in the end could impact on others which will theoretically effect the way things go for others, but even then, it doesn’t really matter, does it? we will eventually die, what we do it only for our own feelings and others, but it doesn’t matter in the end, it matters only as long as I breathe and the people I care for do, empathy, feeling good as long as were alive to satisfy our own needs, that’s all that there is

love well and keep on going 

I hope this ends soon I can’t take it anymore 

stay safe and love well -me to you 

I’ve set in my room for two months instead, I’ve broken up with the person that once seemed like he could be the key to everything and nothing at the same time, six months passed since I finished the Military, six months passed since I got my ticked to freedom and yet I’m wasting it on sitting in my room and feeding myself with fears, I mean what choice do I have Covid19 ruined everything for all of us, they created another lockdown in which everything is allowed other than my work place, It’s so sad yet so funny how things like roll this way for me

Mental breakdown, what is it that the future hold and the stars won't tell? I'm done with the tutorial and I don't think I wanna play this game...

2 months (3), 11 (1) weeks, 78 days, 1877 hours 112635 minutes and so on and so on, that's the time I got left before I get my freedom of choice, the past two months were perhaps the worst time period I had for this year, 2020 you're paid in the ass but hopefully there's a rainbow after this storm, I find myself overworked and beaten up by the military coming back to thoughts that hunt me, I'm almost done with this, I'm almost done with the thing I hate but, I'm scared, I'm scared to face reality and the "real world" I'm scared of failure and of the idea that I feel so unsure of what the future holds, I know what I wanted from a very young age, I always had a plan with a backup plan to the backup plan, I always was sure of what I want and need but now that I'm in a relationship everything seems blurry, I love him more than anything but he's unsure, he's not used to working hard and not wheeling to do so, he'll have to face life, he's scared like I do I get it, but I need him to be my backup I need him to be there for me and I know he will but I need actions, it's like a private telling his officer that he got his back but never used a gun and has a white flag in his pocket that he could pull out and wave in any giving second, I shouldn't question and I'm not, I trust him with my full hear I'm just unsure of my big decisions that might change my life at 360 degrees

I didn't write for a long , people come and people go, we lack in man power and the work got more intense for me, some people do not fulfill their duty properly which pressure me even more but I got used to my every day life, I'm not mad anymore about how things are working out, it's not near what I wanted but giving in to the fact that that's how things are and I cannot change them but rather find small bits of what makes me happy helped me out of the feeling I was locked up in. Not everything goes by the plan and that's alright, there are many lessons you learn by the time you spend waiting for whatever it is you're waiting for. I became good at what I do even though I hated it

It’s hard to convince yourself to keep on writing when everything seems the same, I found my way I lost my way I kept on fighting and I will keep on doing so, the past month wan’t easy and it seem like a war is at our doorsteps but I’ll keep on doing my thing and stand with pride for what I fight for and protect 

“and for a moment it feels real, we all live inside illusions to escape reality because It’s easier to imagine rather then act, I’ts easier to accomplish your desires through an idea because the feeling you get out of it feels almost real, you get the feeling of enjoyment and happiness for a split second and then you open your eyes and realize that all of this is fake and that you can’t keep on by living in illusions you gotta act but It’s not as easy, you realize that everything is a huge pile of shit, there’s nothing wrong about you everything takes time, don’t give up because we cannot live in illusions all of our lives we gotta take action...”

didn’t write in a while now, stuff are okay I suppose, had a week off from work but lots of arguments with the family about the usual stuff families argue about,  behavior and money that is, four souls in one household with different beliefs that misunderstand each other constantly, I’m patient, I have to let time do It’s magic tricks but I won’t lie it’s not all rainbows and sparkles I run away a lot to keep my sanity, waking up at friends houses became a habit of mine and as much as I enjoy the company I wanna feel that warm feeling of being in a place called home, that being said one of my best friends got herself a camera and decided that I’m her muse, we we’re walking around in crowded places to get the perfect shots which was challenging for both of us, me as Introvert that had to break through the embarrassed state of mind and her as an artist struggling through the usual learning process, we both ended up being happy with the results, I was less embarrassed with time and she got the hang of her camera and It’s tricks