broken

Prediction

You know that it's gonna go the same way that it always does when you secretly start something with someone new. You'll pretend to be super into her, you'll feign emotional availability, you'll do nice things for her, fix her car, make her kid a birthday cake, you'll be her knight in shining armor. She'll think you're who she's been hoping for. Then, without warning, you'll look at her and wish you were looking at me.

Your hands will betray you as you touch her, the curve of her hips proving unfamiliar. The comfort you seek in wrapping your arms around her will instead be a blow to the chest. Once morning arrives, the bliss you imagined you'd find in her bed will remain elusive, leaving you filled with disgust and self-loathing, your soul even more empty than before.

Your heart will still ache for my love.

Clarity will overwhelm. You'll remember that fool's gold is meant only for fools.

You will beg the gods to turn one last blind eye, hoping to be spared from the cost of your choice; you'll tremble in fear knowing that this time, you might finally and completely lose me.

You will be given what you showed me you've wanted for so long.

No message you send will be opened. The phone will continue to ring.

You won't hear my voice.

You won't hear me at all.

you believe you are justified to treat me this way but nothing you’ve done has been justified. You’ve been immature unavailable and hateful, vengeful spiteful, miserable person. What you did was abusive mentally the way you handled things or mentally abusive because you’re a narcissist I didn’t walk away because I couldn’t handle the truth.

I play out this narrative in my head that your always with me watching over me , experiencing the things I am with me. Just not with me! I’m sad I’m mad and I’m learning how to revive my ZEST for life . I feel a bitter sweet loss in my gut on the daily thanks to you. I don’t quite hate you but I hate myself for ever loving, trusting, depending on you. It was nothing but selfish let down after let down . You slowly destroyed my love for anything especially the deep and profound adoration I felt for you. You hung the moon and stars in my opinion. For a few years I truly believed the lovebombs that you threw at me. And as each bomb landed almost strategically placed to complete maximum damage to my entire life involving you . I often have to stop and sit down because of the overwhelming sadness and grief I feel over you only using me . I have to stop every thing and breathe the tears away. It’s almost like my spirit / soul is slowly fading away.I can’t swallow nor can I talk or smile the size knot that resides in my throat is quite terrifying to be honest. I have what feels like mini panic attacks and I have to remember to breath that it’s ok I don’t need your love. I feel like I fell in love with my Prince Charming and I ended up with a monster. the reality is that your just a wolf in sheep’s clothing and I didn’t know you at all. But that’s my cross to bare my sadness to bury deep in my soul until it poisons the very blood that corses thru my veins and eats me from the inside out. The love we shared , the years of laughter , intimacy, intense love and concern, the countless hugs and kisses,The I love yous and pointless banter . The silent glances and innocent touches . It was all a lie it was all a joke to you . some nights I sit and feel the tears fall one after another and star into space and I imagine you here living right now, ad holding me and I fantasize just for a minute what it might have been if it was real , if you really loved me , if you had meant all the sweet anothings and broken promises. What we would be if your intentions actually came from your heart , if u actually had a heart. some mornings I wake up and just want to cry myself back to sleep and never wake up again and some mornings I feel true relief and peace for I know you can never hurt me again. I will never allow you in my life or my heart again , I truly regret looking your way ever. I could have saved myself from the pain and devastation you brought to my life . The way you left and discarded me was not only evil and cruel but was life altering and damaging. I will never be that bubbly light hearted person again. You took and destroyed a bright light just to feed your sick selfish cowardly desires. You never considered my heart or mental health you only considered your kinks and insatiable hunger for pleasure. If I would have known how hurtful , disgusting, vile and detrimental you were going to be to my life I would have ran the other way. You truly took love kindness, and you threw shame hurt anger on it and you killed it.