This morning, I was woken up an hour before my alarm to the sound of a messenger app on my phone ringing. I reached over and my friend was calling.
I hit ignore, but there were 3 messages from her.
Was the first one, typo and all.
It’s weird when you hear that someone has died. This is the second time I have been woken up like this in this past year alone, and it’s odd how denial is so quick to put you in a state of confusion.
Jonghyun, a guy you know?
Jonghyun from… I don’t know… anywhere else?
Not SHINee Jonghyun. Not our Jonghyun. Not kindhearted, caring, softspoken, talented, beautiful Jonghyun. Not Jonghyun who made us laugh and cry and love. Who made us feel.
This may sound stupid to some, especially to those who don’t/won’t understand, but SHINee and it’s members saved my life. They saved my life. Minho, Taemin, Jinki, Kibum… Jonghyun.
They kept me here, and I couldn’t even return the favor.
I have the posters on my wall that I can’t bring myself to take down, but I can’t even look at them without feeling a sick and swallowed up in a black hole. Friends are actually telling me that they don’t know how to comfort me or what to say, but that they’re sorry that someone that was important to me passed away.
I’m sorry, too. I’m so, so, so sorry that he was in so much pain. I’m so, so, so sorry that it wouldn’t go away. That he only lived 27 years and felt like that was enough. I don’t know how much he was hurting, I don’t think we get to know that or the why.
The only thing I can really say is rest in peace, Jonghyun. Whatever tormented you, can’t anymore. I wish things were different, I do - I wish whatever you felt you couldn’t get through didn’t weigh down on you, that you lived a long, loving life of happiness. That you smiled with your heart and not just your face. That the world was more kind and cradled you like the precious person you are. Were.
I’ll never forget the joy you brought me, or the lessons I’ve learned through you.
If there is a place where you can watch out for your family, please do. I know your sister was especially precious to you. And please cheer the members of SHINee on, no matter what happens after this.
From the bottom of my heart:
Rest in peace, Kim Jonghyun.
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