Honey

I hate it here I hate it here I hate working I hate doing anything. I hate waking up I hate walking I hate being around people. I don’t want to be like this I wish I was nice I wish I like being around people I wish when people walk by me I wasn’t consumed by rage. I wanna be pleasant to be around. I wanna be happy to help people out I want to do small talk but my brain just get so angry.

I’m so tired of being lonely. I’m so tired of having no one. I’m so tired of begging people to look at me. What’s wrong with me why can’t I have someone.

I wish there was Coke Zero slurpee…

I was really hoping to be with my friends last night and get drunk at least I can get away from my brain for a bit but instead I just laid in bed hid under my blanket trying to restrain the urge to sh again. It’s getting harder and harder to wake up and I’m scared that one day I won’t

Sometimes I wish I was still in a manic episode because at least then I can brush my teeth and do my assignments

I’m so tired of being alone. I’m so tired of every room I walk into I’m alone. When I’m with my friends I’m alone. My family I’m still alone. I’m so tired of being alone I can’t do this anymore.

I don’t like myself very much.

God I just want a man to calm me down and guide me to the floor and pet my head while I kneel in front of him

I can’t do this anymore. I don’t know how I feel I don’t know if it’s depression or autistic burnout I’ve had a head ache for a week I can’t sleep I can’t get out of bed I feel so dizzy when I leave my house for work I’m so sad I can’t do I can’t stop crying and I feel so stupid I can’t move I don’t want to do anything I’m so tired I just someone to take care of me I’m so tired of taking care myself I’m so tired of taking care of everyone else please someone just take care of me

I wanna be clicker trained…

At my weekly doctor’s appointment and there’s always a specific nurse who does everything for me and I only go to her..why did I go to the office ready for the usual..there’s a new nurse! She just took my vital and I hated every moment of it but it’s fine cause the nurse who always does my medicine is coming to take over but still! I’m already not having a good day I don’t need this!!!

I’m autistic but I’m not like I need a routine type… every night no matter what I have to walk an hour in the dark on my walking pad and listening to the most gut wrenching emo music in order to regulate myself.

You know what I need. I need an older man who is haunted to be my protector. Like we are in this type a relationship people cannot define all they know is I’m their and he’s are mines in every lifetime. I need him to take care of me and call me his doll. To always know what to do and gives me rules and structure. To know when I’m overwhelmed and on the verge of a meltdown and takes over and makes me kneel and lay my head on his thigh and pets my head while I fidget with my stim toy and infodump to let all the energy out. Who lets me sleep on his lap and carries me to bed. Who makes sure the lights are dimmed when i come home and my favorite movie is ready when i eat dinner. UGHH! I need it! Like I need it bad!! I need him to be Joel miller, Arthur Morgan, Ghost, John price, FUCKKK IT NEEDS TO BE JOHN PRICE! I totally see it!