Betrayal Trauma (and the rocky path)
The recent incident has been the most painful experience of my life. I went on a journey. To hell. This isn't overstatement, it's a truthful summary of my experience. It feels like I got shot in the gut, I'm confused, and I don't know what to do. It feels like the force had taken my soul and put it in hell, then taunts my mind and body as I'm hopelessly struggling to get through the endless hours, days and months.
When it happened (April 21st 2018 to be exact), it felt like the air around me was limited and it was becoming more and more difficult to breathe. I could actually feel my heart breaking and it hurt so bad. I felt that burning sensation on the back of my neck. I wasn't sure what to do next.
I broke down, sobbing uncontrollably that evening and slept over at my friend's place that night. At that point, I saw no hope, just days and days of pain ahead of me. I can't seem to completely wipe that out of my mind. It was also a terrible state to wake up in. I was so on edge that my morning alarm was enough to give me a near-on heart attack; I'd wake with a violent jolt and my heart feeling as though it were about to leap out of my chest.
I was floored by emotion and I had no idea what to do or how to make myself feel better. I ran and pushed myself in the hope that physical pain would exceed that how I felt emotionally. I feel lost. Sometimes I don't know who I am. I don't know what I like, what I enjoy. I have distanced myself from most of my friends. Truthfully, I would not wish this feeling on anyone.
All physical, mental and emotional endeavours required monstrous effort. Just replying to a text was hard work, let alone trying to organise anything. I felt constantly overwhelmed by the simple act of living.
At work I never tell anyone, I felt utterly incompetent. Any ambition I once had deserted me. I decided that I was only good enough for stress-free, low-paid job where barely anything was expected of me. Luckily, my boss was understanding and supportive, but I still had to do my job. And naturally, anxiety didn't just affect me at work; functioning in social situations was a constant and exhausting challenge. Of all depression's demi-devils, anxiety was by far the most debilitating. And like my assumptions about 'personal change', I thought this state of anxiety would be permanent too.
Well, it's hard to say what it's like to feel dead inside. To me, it's sort of like someone removed the contents of my chest and left a gaping void where there is nothing left but a painful, sucking black hole. It feels like all the places that are supposed to do something i.e. my heart and my soul, have been removed. And this removal has left open, bleeding gashes. Wounds that tear and itch and bleed. And just knowing that my heart and soul have been removed is breathtakingly painful. Feeling their absence is like feeling the absence of oxygen from the lungs. It puts one into a panicked and near-death state.
I tried various healing practices these couple of months. Slowly, I started emerging out of it, feeling more positive now and in control of my life. Despite occasionally lows, I can now objectively look at what have happened and notice all the lessons. I know that this path isn't easy. It's painful. To the point where I feel like breaking and I lose any hope of getting better. But deep inside I know it will get better.
chaelexanigma.blogspot.com
Bruised, broken, battered and permanently scarred.
