Climbing

I sometimes think about how much it’s worth it to vent to a friend. Like do they honestly really care at all about anything you’re saying. It’s exhausting sometimes. Maybe it’s just because I’m doing it through a text message and I’ve reached the point where texting is becoming more tedious of a task.

My old boss/mentor told me this right before I left my last job. Which meant a lot to me because for someone of his experience and success, it pretty much implied that I was on the right path to being just as successful and accomplished as him. But after he said that, I thought about it a lot. About how change is inevitable. About how I need to change to become a better person and to adapt with the evolving environment around me.

Something recently happened. I’ll provide the sparknotes version of the story. But essentially I went on a blind date. Went really well. A little too well honestly. Which led to a rush of emotion and a rush of confusion from both of us as to what exactly we were looking for and if doing this was the right thing to do. Well we rushed date number two. During that time, she realized that as genuine and nice of a person I am, I give off a very defensive and un-entertained persona. She gave the analogy of me giving the vibe that she was an annoying puppy who wouldn’t stop talking. She compared it to some videos of younger me that she happened to come across and how I used to be so “wholesome” and said that my job must have really changed me. Hopefully unbeknownst to her, that really hit me hard.

I can get pretty emotional about things. Probably more that I should. But the one thing that probably gets me most emotionally triggered is knowing that I’m not good enough. My whole life has been fought to become “good enough” in things that I perceived others perceiving me as “below average” at. I change a lot of things about me based on the feedback I get from others. Is that the right thing to do? Maybe not. But it’s my way of adapting and learning from others after being somewhat sheltered growing up.

I know that I can be a quiet and off setting person. That I’m not the greatest at keeping a conversation. I know I come off as uninterested when listening to others. I just don’t know how to change that about me or if I should change that about me. I sometimes feel like I’m in this neutral space where I am programmed to show no emotion. It may work for my job and for efficiency, but it doesn’t work when you truly want to create a relationship with people.

I’ve been told by numerous people that I am a great people person. That I know how to talk to people and that I’m great at making friends. But that’s all superficial. That’s all surface level conversations that never lead to long lasting relationships. I almost question how I was able to create some of the relationships that I still have today. Were they always a product of coincidence? A product of forced situations? I struggle with this daily. 

With relationships, I’ve noticed that I’m GREAT at the initial approach. Call me cocky, call this a humble brag, whatever... but that’s all I’m great at. That initial approach. The “hook, line and sinker”. Because after they really get to know me, they eventually realize that I am not that interesting of a person. That I can be boring and that I’m not the type of person who can naturally lighten up your mood.

I have a lot of “friends” at least I think I do... or I should say people think I do. At least that’s what people tell me. But deep in my heart, I truly don’t think I do. I think I just have thousands and thousands of acquaintances. People who say they know me for the sake of knowing me. I don’t really have a go to person who I know is always going to be there for me to vent to. Or a go to person/group of people who I can hang out with at any given moment. I live such a transient lifestyle that I’m always in a new place and it’s not easy to create those long lasting friendships. Maybe that’s why I’m single... and lonely. Maybe I haven’t found anybody to share my life with because bringing them along with me would cause them to have the same feelings of loneliness.

And oh oh oh oh oh oh oh