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@chaaaaaaaaaaaam
ana thinks I need to be more honest about exactly how my post-Ben stuff manifests (that is- it's about him lmao) but I still can't think of anything more exposing and awful. I'm better at letting him see generally when I'm upset but I still massively avoid going into detail about the specifics
he just woke up BC I'm sitting up in bed and asked me what's going on and I just lied and said nightmares 🤪 and now he's sleeping on my lap lol. so at least one of us is very chill
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woke up tonight feeling very anxious which used to be way more of a thing for me but I guess there's a lot swirling ATM
had a long whispered conversation with ana earlier about how difficult we find being normal about anon man in different ways but for similar reasons, e.g. the three of us went out earlier and he made an innocuous comment about not liking all the walking (as a runner he gets bored and his legs aren't used to it weirdly) and ana immediately was like omg is he gonna fucking kick off?? BC of how much Ben made it everyone's problem when he was having a bad time, and like... nothing happened obviously BC why would it, this is a different man without the same kind of emotional responses, but the way we both now are so on edge around Men is so insane and I literally said like how tf do we get past this? and ana was like idk lol
lads the old brain is just not being kind at all atm. im trying to not be obsessively anxious about anon man (literally one of the things i keep thinking is how much i relate to nikki in obsession but in an OCD/trauma way rather than a cursed object way) and genuinely think im hiding it GREAT from him! however i am just terrified at the thought of having to spend a week apart in case he realises he's better off w/o me. like ... im like a little dog atp who just cant cope w/ being separate from her master. it's so shameful + embarrassing but i don't see the point in pretending it's not happening, bc it's obviously some sort of Response to all the ben shit, but at the same time like - this is still my life, my responsibility to fix. but i just dont know how or where to start bc what IS this. it's so bad
(as per usual he is not doing anything "bad")
i just am in awe of how i turned into this person really. used to love when me and ben had a week apart bc it was just time to focus on myself + my own things! it can happen to yoooooou
ETA: i am probably not hiding it that well in fairness bc i just scrolled down and remembered 2 days ago i was begging him to leave me if he wants to... sometimes i think it would be easier if i just broke up w/ him and went into some sort of self-imposed isolation but i think that's ALSO the wrong thing, bc it's giving into the ocd/terrors in a different way
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_.maboroshi._
"you make me real/ lost and _found" (2005-2026)
ended up having another one of those massive meltdowns where i tell him he has to leave me if he wants to, and not string it out bc he doesnt want to hurt my feelings etc etc. sigh!!
difficult day of being insane today unforch!! did the parkrun again this morning, that was good in my new shoes. ana came and waved lol
then we went to cafe for lunch, me anon man and ana
general bullshit ensued where he said something innocuous that set me off, you all know the drill, i hid my panic from him until later when i got upset lol at which point i talked AROUND my fear rather than just asked him directly about it, classic!!!!
feeling extra bad and burdensome bc im gonna have to ask him if he wants to share a room at the next chess meetup in prague, and i have nooooo idea if he wants it to be even remotely public knowledge at work that we're involved. which - my fucking mantra in any of these issues - IS TOTALLY REASONABLE!! but i have no desire to share a room w/ anyone else, bc it would literally be me and some random man i dont know well. like that sounds like a nightmare, separate to any of the weird anon man stuff lol. im also aware that at work you have to behave professionally so by no means am i planning on making out with him in public
the alternative is my friends are meeting me in prague and i can just get an airbnb with them, so it's not a disaster if he'd rather not. but that airbnb wouldn't be paid for by the org
bc of my problems tho im already feeling pre-emptively rejected even tho i know that's not what it fucking is!!!! this is my own fault for dipping my pen in the company ink etc
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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I should get a trophy for being in a relationship with a runner
Annieo Klass - Daydream no. 5, 2025 - Oil on canvas
Javier Guijarro - fw26
one of the worst things about anon man is how much he mogs me intellectually
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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just got back from the Odyssey with anon man and ana. honestly it was just kind of ok, I'm not a cinephile in the slightest but I just thought it was way too long and idk. not that memorable!! anon man doesn't like it BC he studied ancient greek obviously and has read the entire thing in its original language and thinks it's shit comparatively
quilted fabric scrap banner i finished last night, lyrics are from diane cluck’s “god made it rain”
