AS NAKED AS A TROUT

dont know if im just like biologically unsuitable for donating plasma, which would be incredibly depressing, or if it's reasonable to expect i can make a difference w more regular massive amoutns of water + exercise + lifting weights specifically (the woman at the till basically said drinnk lots / go to the gym, and i wont go to the gym but anon man has weights here)

asked anon man, who is not a doctor but an athlete + biomedical statistician, so i feel he knows Some Shit about bodies, and he thinks it's unlikely im actually just permanently unable to donate, said the same thing as the people at the place basically

like i just want something to be easy and i was really excited about the prospect of like 300 eur a month extra tax free income, so ofc it's not possible lol

got a surprise extra bill of 250 eur for the privilege of being allowed to make doll wigs here, as well, so fuck knows how ill fund that

in jul/aug in the UK i am going to amke up my hours for the chess job which will be £6.5k in total, which will hae to last me until january, when i'll get another £6.5k

that doesnt sound like that much but remember i currently have no rent or bills anywhere, which means that living on ~1k a month is eminently doable, once i actually get paid, but this period feels increasingly dicey and i will probably have to ask anon man to lend me some money, which he did offer to do ages ago anyway. feel ive done ok to make april's payment of like 1.5k last until now, bc life in vienna is expensive

like, what's bothering me atm is his injury is much improved so he's running a lot more, up to like 100km a week (and he plans to run even more so lol). this is absolutely not a problem, like, thank GOD for that, bc he was miserable when he wasn't able to run much

so now he gets up earlier to go for an hour's run every morning, which has had a pretty bad effect on our nice morning sex routine and im taking this as a) he is not attracted to me anymore b) he doesnt like me anymore c) he is biding his time to break up with me

i actually brought it up last night in a chill way (#brave) and he agreed and said he was sorry - i said (truthfully) that it's fine and i wasn't angry or anything bc i am very relieved he's able to run more again, and he said he was still sorry. but then this morning we ALSO didnt have sex and im like ohhh my god he absolutely could not BRING himself to have sex with me DESPITE the conversation. having said that we didnt make an agreement to have sex this morning or whatever so

he just two days ago booked a 3 week holiday to accompany me to the UK in july but im still like nope this is Over and Done and i ahve to just wait for him to dump me. sad!

and like if i wasnt constantly looking for evidence of his declining interest in me and CONSTANTLY taking everything as a referendum on my worth i think it would be fine as well, like, the issue is that even if we had had sex this morning i would pretty much have just mentally ticked it off and give myself an extra few days of safety, rather than being like "this is a nice moment of intimacy" or whatever. bc im insane now. also like when i say a decline in sex i think the last time we had it was still within a week

I'm not sure honestly, I have read some stuff that suggests being fat isn't one of the primary mechanisms behind cancer anyway but I have not read enough to claim much in either direction and certainly don't have any studies to hand. the guardian link (will post it but I'm on my phone) suggests losing weight and improving overall health (i obviously don't really appreciate the "and" instead of "or" there) may be a reason but it also suggests that glps lower inflammation more generally, which is obviously very different. everything feels very knotty and I don't really know what to think - the meds are obviously very new as well and I don't want to jump the gun on anything but the thought of no cancer is very compelling. I don't qualify for it I don't think BC I think your BMI has to be over 40 but I was considering asking my doctor what he thought anyway. very much not a doctor but idk the cancer angle I find just very hard to dismiss