claire

I’ve spent my life trying to divide by zero

“My heart lies where the cattle roams and the rolling hills of green decorate the landscape. Where the sky is always a brilliant blue with clouds of pure white scattered about and where the sun shines brightly at noon, illuminating the world so one can appreciate the vibrant greens of nature. My heart lies in the same place the horses do and flies with the bluebirds and swims in the lake with the fishes. It’s hidden amongst the tall blades of grass and is woven between every petal of the sunflowers.”

He will always have my heart. I cannot take it back nor do I want to. And I should want to, considering everything he’s done and all the people he’s hurt and all the damage he’s caused. I should want to hate him. God, I should want to kill him. I should want to wish the absolute worst for him and I should hope he changes. But you can’t force hate, just like you can’t force love. So no matter how many times I’m asked or how many years pass, when someone asks me my favorite color, I will not be able to think of an answer other than the dark emerald green of his eyes.

im not afraid

Some day you’ll think of me every time you drink a cup of coffee and you’ll feel a single tear accumulate in your eye, but you’ll blink it away so it doesn’t fall. You’ll feel the weight of my ghost lying next to you when you come into bed, exhausted and slightly delirious, and you’ll think of all the nights we stayed up talking about everything that never mattered. You’ll think you see my face in a crowd of people and you’ll feel a fleeting sense of hope at being reunited, but it will go as soon as it came as you realize your mistake. Some day I’ll be nothing but memories; memories that are slowly evaporating into thin air everyday, gradually disappearing. I’ll be a moment in time-nothing more nothing less. But you won’t remember me like that at first. You’ll remember me as my morning coffee and our sleepless nights and locking your honey eyes with my green ones. You’ll remember me that way until the day you don’t.

And here I am, smiling like an idiot every time he says even the even the simplest thing to me. Here I am, getting unimaginably flustered when he accidentally brushes his hand against mine as he’s speeding down the hallway to catch up with his friends and then here I am turning an even brighter shade of red when he turns his head around and utters a quick “sorry” accompanied by a quick, charismatic wink. Then he’ll laugh about it for about five seconds while I’m standing here with absolutely no composure and for the first time in my life I cannot think clearly. He’s flooding my thoughts and no matter how hard I try I cannot get him out of my mind. How stupid am I to continue to say I’m not in love?

“All that’s left is the memories that are bound to be forgotten, so what good are they? I can no longer think of you because it hurts too much and there’s times where I genuinely cannot fathom how you could possibly be gone. You’re like a phantom limb; I turn around to smile at you and I’m thrown into a frenzy when you’re not there to smile back. You should be. Sometimes I think I see your face through the windows of passing cars and sometimes I think that I feel you wrap your arm around my waist as I’m laying in my bed that feels so much bigger now. And for a glorious, fleeting moment, I start to smile until I breathe in the cold heavy air once again. I’m thrown back into reality-completely and utterly alone.”