Cerusani Duskbinder

Cerusani set the last seal upon the last piece of parchment before pushing the stack to the corner of her desk. As she sat in the chair Cerusani looked about the room. Everything was in its place, and exactly as it should be. The Ren’dorei had taken great care within the last few weeks to ensure that all was in order within her world.

“Yes.” Yes, it is time. You have put this off for as long as you can.

There was a light knock at the door. “Come in, Thia. You do not need to stand on ceremony, and you know that.” Softly the words came out as she moved from behind the desk.

In came the short red-haired human. “That man is here. I do not like the look or the feeling that he gives me. Gnomes are utterly creepy.” Even as cheerful as Thia’s voice could be, the shutter at the word gnome brought a smile to Cerusani’s lips.

“Thia. He is the one who gave me the wooden box. I can always count on him in a time of need. Please show him in.” Without warning Cerusani wrapped her arms around Thia. “When he leaves this room, you are to come in. There are a stack of letters upon my desk. I need you to deliver them. Read your letter last.”

Confusion wiped over Thia’s face. “Wh-what do you mean?”

“Winter’s Viel. Simply that.” She pressed a soft kiss to Thia’s cheek before pulling away. “Now see him in please.”

A simple bow was given as Thia backed out of the room. Cerusani watched her go, the tears in her eyes starting to form at the corners. Do not turn back now. We cannot. Get yourself to-fucking-gether. Therefore, I am here. I do and help with the things you cannot.

Sniffles could be heard as Cerusani smoothed out her skirt, and slowly paced the room in wait. “This is the best course of action. This is the piece that fits. It may not fit for everyone, but it fits for me, for us. They may not see it now, but in time. In time.”

The door opened and through it a well-dressed gnome with stark white hair upon his head and a beard to match. A pocket watch in his hand was clasped shut as he stopped before Cerusani. “I was hoping we would never have to see one another again. This was supposed to be your life now.” The bag upon his other arm dropped onto a chair next to the desk. “Let us begin.”

The singular nod Cerusani had become known for was given. “Let us begin.” Let us end.

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Thia came into the study and just as Cerusani had said there were stacks of letters upon the corner of her desk. One addressed to Master Vynlorin, Lord Tirian, Lady Alliriel, Miss Sin, Duchess Ascania, Ser Gideon Northgate and the Stormwind Orphanage. The last in the stack was to Thia herself.

“It would not hurt to open mine first now, would it?” Cheeky the woman was, but it was a reason Cerusani had loved her.

Thia sat in the chair Cerusani had written the very letter at and opened it.

My Dearest Darling Thia,

You have been with me since I came to House Valtieri. What I would have been and done without you? I think it was fate that brought me to you that long walk through Goldshire to Duskwood that fateful evening. I made a promise that night that nothing bad would ever come of you, and that you could always count on me. I promised that no man or person would ever make you feel less than or that your body was all your worth was. I will not let those promises die with me.

Thia. I am gone. Please. Please do not look for me. You will not find me. I know in your heart that you will wish to. That you will ask yourself questions of why and where. Forgive me. This was the easiest for all, not just me.

You see, Thia, I was not always as I was when you knew me. Yes, I was full of question, curiosities, and looked at all within Azeroth as a puzzle. The fateful night that I ran into Master Vynlorin while working on my puzzle box I thought was another piece to the puzzle that was I. I thought that he and House Valtieri could help me. In ways they did. Were the ways always the best correct ways? No. However, in my time with them they became my family I had lost. I looked to Lady Aredhele and Master Vynlorin as parents. Lady Alliriel as my sweet sister Bria. Tirian and Narinthei my loves. We were a family. Families change and shape who we are, how we are.

That brings me to this point, just because you see people and the world as one-piece others will see it differently perhaps. While I saw them as family, not all saw me as such. Constantly was I tested. Constantly was I suspected of horrible acts. Yet, I persisted on. Yet, I stayed fiercely loyal. I thought in the end that if I showed my care, my loyalty, my devotion that in the end it would be enough. That loyalty and devotion turned me into a dark monster. Those things spoke to the deepest and darkest places of who I was and made them twist until it was all I knew.

No more. The day that the person calling themselves Mother spoke of the whispers of shadows, and that conversations were being watched I knew nothing would ever be enough. I knew with that and along with Vincent Ravenwing stepping out of the shadows, and to Lady Aredhele’s side that my piece of family was doomed. That man consumes, Thia. He has consumed her, and she has lost her family for it. It pains me, Thia. I thought I would never feel the loss of family again after my parents, and Bria. But there is nothing I could have done differently. I put the pieces as they fit, and it showed me the picture of two vile creatures clinging to one another atop bones and destruction with no signs of life left around.

Thia. I want more than that. I want to be more than a monster that consumes. I want to be more than a rejected person. I want to be more than a woman who is not worthy of standing up for. I want more than to be what I am now. So, I shall.

I love you, Thia. I fiercely and whole heartedly consider you to be my best friend in this world. Take comfort in that if you can.

Please do see that Master Vynlorin and Lady Alliriel receive their letters before the rest.

Always and forever,

Cerusani

Link to Cerusani's Last Will which would be with the letters sent to Lady Alliriel and Master Vynlorin.

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(Here we go with the OOC portion.)

That pained me to write but it was time. Thank you to everyone who has been with me through Cerusani’s journey. Her conception to now. Thank you to those who wrote with me and shaped her. Cerusani truly was a blank canvas when I made her July 24th, 2020. She was simply a Ren’dorei who had a fascination with puzzles. Through her time every interaction small or big, good or bad, helped shape her. Thank you for that.

Now to the unpleasant bit. We all say that OOC and IC are separate. That the two shall never meet, or that the two should never influence one another. Well, we do not live in a perfect world, and we are humans. While many of you know Cerusani as a cold, spiteful, sassy, cunt of a woman (perhaps more words), I her player am not. I live rainbows, unicorns, and light. I believe in platonic compliments and helping others. Am I perfect? Absolutely-fucking-not. However, I try to be as kind and good as possible.

Why am I saying all of this? Why are we saying goodbye to Cerusani? Well, we are doing this because I am tired. Plain and simple. I poured all that I had in Cerusani and the guild From Oblivion. The people behind the characters in From Oblivion became like family to me, just as their characters became family to Cerusani. When a character who is family stabs Cerusani it is possible to write it away, to deal with it in a way to continue the story. However, when a person who is considered, family repeatedly stabs you in the heart and back by speaking horribly vile accusations and things to me…that is harder to reconcile.

I have sat for weeks with information. Do I sit upon it? Take the high road and just let it be? I thought about it and considered it. If I say nothing, then it could happen to other people. “Oh. Cerusani but it is just words. People say mean and hurtful things all the time, let it go.” This is me letting it go. This is me putting it out into the universe, wiping my hands and moving on. I can deal with people calling me names. I can deal with people thinking horrible untrue things. I, however, cannot let it go when it is said that my brain surgery was “conveniently scheduled” for when someone else would be away from the game. When you take my medical issues and use them to twist a convoluted story in your head to reconcile why your RP partner is not writing with you…that is where it crosses a line. For months my GM in From Oblivion named Aredhele Valtieri who now goes by Aredhele Ravenwing spoke about me behind my back to people, to friends and non-friends. I am stealing her RP partner. I am doing this and that. I am forcing views of polyamory. I am the reason her RP partner is not writing with her. Apparently, me being around to write is me stealing someone’s RP partner. I can not help that I was on and around, and that Aredhele was not on to RP. Doing mog runs and sharing comment interests OOC is stealing someone’s RP partner. No.

There are different sides to Aredhele. The public one in charge of server projects, the friendly private one and the real insecure mean one. I had only seen the first two until recent weeks. OOC I stood by her side. It was not until the Vincent Ravenwing debacle, and his return that I knew of her speaking behind my back. I confronted Vincent’s former RP partner to get her side of her story with Vincent. During my conversation with her she revealed that my former GM of From Oblivion had said things about me. I spoke to this with an officer of From Oblivion, and in turn he spoke to her. She sent him screen shots of her conversations with Vince’s former RP partner, screen shots that did confirm she spoke poorly of me and everything. I read the screen shots and demanded to be in a VC with her and the officer. I confronted her in tears. Her reasoning for speaking as she did? She was egged on. That she was PUSHED into talking shit about me. She was the one who brought up the ideas of myself stealing her RP partner first. She was the one who brought up everything first, that she planted the idea of me as an RP partner stealer. They then fed off one another. Pushed or not, you make the choice to do so to a friend, guildmate and person who had your back.

I have more of the screen shots. I covered over letters in the name, and I blocked out one word which was her using her IRL name. These are the screenshots she took herself to help show that she was "egged and pushed into talking about me." She knows that I have seen them. As I said I have more. I will provide them upon request. This is the one where it is said that my brain surgery was a coincidence to be scheduled the same time her RP partner was gone. This either means she thinks I was lying about brain surgery or that I had the audacity and forethought to schedule it for this time. Neither are true. I had two weeks to prepare for brain surgery. You do not get to pick when you get on the neurosurgeon’s schedule. They pick the day, and they tell you. THEY TELL YOU. I wish I could have scheduled it. I wish I could have picked the day, so I had time to see people I loved just in case I died on the table. I wish I could have picked the day so that I had time to come to terms with it all. No. That is not how it works. This may seem like a small issue to some, but this is the hill that I stand on and where I say how dare you, you were my friend I thought. This is where and when I knew that I was nothing to you, and that I could not stay in the guild. I left From Oblivion and pulled Cerusani.

The last few weeks I have tried to get on Cerusani. To write and continue her story. There have been wonderful people who have listened to me and wished to help me continue her. For those people I am so thankful, those people keep the hope inside that there are people in the community who do care and want the best. However, sometimes wanting something is not enough. I would love to continue to write Cerusani. While Cerusani can get through the betrayal of House Valtieri, I her player cannot get through the betrayal from Aredhele from OOC side and continue being in that space. “Oh, but you can RP and ignore her.” Ignoring problems keep the problem there, especially when they are moderators for server projects. So, I am choosing to remove myself, and live in a healthier space.

Lord Fane,

It has been months since I have seen your face and even some time since we have last spoke with the written word. I would say that I hope you are in good health and that all is well with you, but we both know that would be a lie. We understand one another in that regard.

I last wrote to you and you then made me Lord High Executioner once more since Lord Felo’dorah was made Lord High Marshal. It seems once again I am giving my resignation for something once again. Last time it was from being your Deputy Lord High Prosecutor, and this time it is from being Lord High Executioner. I have found with my shifting of lands and loyalties that the position no longer aligns with my life.

Along with that I am resigning from the Royal Torturer’s Guild. A craft that I once was passionate about is no longer there. You can not have passion for something if you can not have trust in those that you practice under. I hope that these two resignations are executed swiftly and with a pace of haste but we know how the Ministry of Justice is at working at a snail's pace and things being on hold for months.

Not that you care, because again we know where we stand with one another, but I will be okay. I am already on my way there and working on various things. Please write me when you get around to doing the paperwork on this. For the Alliance,

Cerusani Duskbinder

Viscountess of Misthaven

The penned letter to Tirian was set off to the side as the wax seal cooled. It was the final correspondence that she had to write for the day, and to be done with it she was thankful. “He does not understand. Perhaps he never did. Perhaps I was wrong all along.” Words not resigned in sadness or anger. No, they were words of understanding and acceptance.

In the days since leaving the dining room, and her fall apart within the confines of her room, Cerusani had made her way back to herself. The Ren’dorei had given herself but a few hours to fall apart. She would not allow anyone to see her in weakness as it was a luxury that Cerusani could not afford now or ever. “We rebuild. We will do what we must.” The words spoken as she pushed from the desk, and trapsed her way over to the floor to ceiling window that overlooked the land in which Falconwatch rested.

We will rebuild. We will find our spot within Misthaven. You know we saw a man walking these grounds earlier. It would help us. He had a scar there. Maybe not in looks but he has enough.Cerusani’s hands went to touch the glass as her head hung down, and her back bent. “We can not here. No. No matter how perfect or not, NO.” You know it would help. “No. End of discussion. I have not given up yet.” Idiot. His silence. Disrespect. I thought he a match and equal. He spared that servant. Disgusting. Cerusani’s forehead hit the glass. “ENOUGH. SILENCE.”

“Why?” It had been hours since Cerusani left the dining room, and with it a piece of her heart. It had been a week of loss for the Ren’dorei. It started with the knowledge of distrust from the people that she considered family. The words said about her and words said to come from her lips were fabricated fallacies. Those things led to Cerusani abdicating her holdings of the Lost Woods and her title as Hand.

Now she sat crumped upon the floor within her temporary refugee within Falconwatch. Turning to Tirian was something she could not bring herself to do. He had been her husband. He was head of her military. He had too many interwoven ties to her. “Why?” Again, the one word left her painted lips as her soft violets began to pool with tears she held back. The depths of her despair had been held at bay.

They had been held at bay until now. Not even turning the pieces of her beloved ring could help in this moment. All her hands could to was clutch at her chest, over the space where her heart resided. It was beating. It was beating but she felt the pieces shattering inside. “Why?” She had turned to Terez for safety. She had turned to the Duchess for help. She had turned to the woman she had let in. The safety and the help Cerusani had found. Above and beyond she found that when she was granted the Viscountess of Misthaven and the Keeper of Keys. However, at the same time the Duchess called a break between their personal relationship.

A break. It is not a break. You will never be anywhere close to good enough. She plied you with affection to get your trust. She will never love you. No one will. Look at what happened with House Valtieri. What happened with Vane. What happened with Narinthei. What is happening with Tirian. What happened with your sister. You are nothing. Disgusting. Cry. They will hear it. Cry. They will not care. CRY.

No longer could the tears be held at bay. No longer could Cerusani fight against the war with Sani in her head. As she collapsed down farther off her knees to the ground she bawled. Tears spilled down her cheeks and stained the floor. “Why? Why? Why? Why?” Cerusani was broken. Cerusani was devastated. Cerusani was alone.

Dear House Valtieri,

By the time you read this I will be gone. I have vacated the Lost Woods. I am giving up my position as Hand to House Valtieri. Any connection that I had to the House is no more.

The truth is I know now more than I ever have before. I have stayed out of loyalty and blind faith. That is no more. When whispers in the shadows speak falsehoods that are believed to be true there is no way to combat it.

Do not worry for me. Puzzles always have an answer in the end.

Cerusani Duskbinder

Cerusani handed the stack of sealed and addressed letters to Thia. "Thia. Please see that every member of House Valtieri gets one of these. If they ask where I have gone please tell them that the picture of the puzzle is still forming but I've a rough outline of the border."

Thia dipped her head as she took the letters and left the empty grand entrance hall to Lost Manor. Cerusani watched her go before turning around to the place that she once dearly called home. "When you do all that you can for those you call family, and in the end you still are not enough. Sometimes whispers are louder than the screamed truth." She took a deep inhale before letting go as she stepped out of the front double doors, and closed them behind her.

"Thank you Mister Carter." The soft words were said to her driver as he helped her in into the back of the closed carriage. "Please just drive for a while. I do not know where I am going yet, but we will figure it out."

A turn left. A turn right. Moved up. Moved down. A quick pull out. No push. Within her hands it thumped a few last times giving birth to the final sprays of purple blood as her nails pierced the outer layer of muscle. His heart within her hands was a rush of feeling as Cerusnai threw her head back. The same melodic laughter that taunted during the words hours earlier now rang out once more. This. This is where we thrive. We live here. In this moment. In this feeling. Take it all in.

Delicate fingers squeezed to contort the one thriving organ into the nothingness it had become. Cerusani lingered for a few moments staring down at the shadow of a man, head tilted to the side with her long locks flowing down. Those delicate locks which she had been complimented on several times that evening were now streaked with the life of the last person who complimented her that evening. “That was your downfall. You thought you could compliment me as if that was the piece to the puzzle to unlock all you wished. That the one little line of compliment would wash away all the work and defenses before you. Silly stupid man.” The heart was tossed down to the ground with next to nothing of a second thought.

With careful steps Cerusani made her way around the slab to stand just behind the head of the man. Quietly he laid there, he was splayed open for anyone to see but no one would see him but her. “You were just the unlucky one.” A hand came down to run fingers through his long purple locks, his own blood coming to stain the touched strands. “If all those others had not been disappointments you would not be here.” She continued to brush the locks with her fingers as if tenderly arranging them around his face. There was no tender love here, no, it was contemplation of the different outcomes that could have been. “You were not even a challenge. I had you cornered and trapped before even striking. Perhaps I am learning.”

A quick slap of the man’s cheek was given before her hand slipped down to his throat, her thumb brushing over a puncture wound that had long since stopped flowing. Cerusani’s pointer finger slipped the nail perfectly within the wound as it had when it made it earlier that evening. The pieces fit. This was the right move. The woman in the bar was not right. The man who penetrated within our mind was but a joke. This one looks so much like him. The hair. The eyes. He even said kitten. The finger jutted in deeper. “Kittens have claws. Kittens have sharp teeth. Perhaps we are. Let us own that now.” A swoop pull out had a flicker of dark ichor flung out with it, painting across the floor as she wiped the remnants on his lapel.