musings

It’s been a long time since I’ve had the motivation (or even the time) to turn my feelings into words. I’m back in the comfort of home after a whole year of being away, and the immensity of the change this time is tangible. From the clothes in my cupboard, to little knick knacks on my shelves, everything feels like it was from a different time, and belonging to a different person.

The thing I feel most acutely is how much my relationships have changed. Time is a funny thing, and nothing ever stays quite the same with its passing. 

Perhaps time does give us clarity over an old situation, and opens up your eyes to see things that you never took notice of before. This time round I’m finding it a little hard to bear, as if the rose-tinted glasses have been shattered, and I’m seeing everything in a new light. Where do we draw the line between honour and worship? Should such reverence only be reserved for God himself? 

(I haven’t written apart from scientific reports for so long, I may have forgotten how to write anything but scientific reports, but here goes.)

It’s weird how sadness can feel a lot like physical pain.  And over such a silly thing.

I’ve always thought girls were silly, when they got upset about seeing the person they liked, with someone else. But I think I get it now. The pain of seeing you with her quickly overcame the initial surprise. I wish you knew what I felt. It’s at times like this I wish I wasn’t so inept at expressing my emotions, that you knew I liked you. And a part of me wishes this feeling would be returned too. 

But these things are never meant to be. I don’t need a boy, I need a man. I need someone who is assured in the person he is and is going to become, someone who complements me in the right ways. Someone who dares me, challenges me, to try new things and step out of my comfort zone. Someone who lets me be the best parts of my person, and loves the worst bits just the same. I don’t need to be protected, but to be taken care of would be rather nice. I don’t need a knight in shining armour, I just need someone to respect me and be a constant. I don’t need a boy, I need a man. 

But a boy is all you are. At least for now. 

How long do people wait? Are you even the right person for me?

Emotions, feelings more precisely, scare me. They’re these illogical, fickle things, that change with whims and fancies. They aren’t grounded in any hard facts, they just change with the condition of our hearts. 

That’s precisely why I’ve spent so much of my life building up this fortress, to keep emotions out or very tightly contained. It takes a long time for me to allow myself to feel anything even for my closest friends. This fortress is impenetrable. 

Or so I thought.

Somehow you’d knocked down a man-sized hole into the walls and bricks I’ve put down so carefully these past twenty years, and I found myself opening up to you, so quickly it scared me. I think you did the same too. That night I truly felt that ‘connection’ that so many people speak of, that beneath that “I don’t give a fuck” facade, there’s something so much deeper, so much more insightful, and so much more appealing. Everyone warns me of how charming you can are or can be, but I know that. It’s why I put my walls up higher around you in the first place. 

The guy I felt attracted to isn’t the one you choose to let the world see, but the one I spoke to about neurons, past lives, parents, childhoods, homosexuality and spirituality. I think you’re lost. And only He can find you.