Halo | Albedo and Xiao Haver

Marma

Want to watch final

Destination with me?

Nvm. I’ll just fall asleep

Oh

Final Destination 1 and 3 are

On Netflix

I should’ve said yes… If I knew it was your last day… I would’ve said yes… I would’ve been glad to watch it… Why? Why did you leave?

That’s not fair…

“You need to go to the Hospital…” It was 3 in the morning… She was in the bathroom, on the toilet. “You just want a reason to stay out of school.” She had a small laugh. I mean.. I did, of course I did. But I also wanted to see my friends. “No, I’m saying that cuz you need to. You always wait until it gets too bad.” “I have a doctors appointment tomorrow, they’ll probably just send me then.” She simply said. “All the more reason to go! They’re already gonna send you!”

I should’ve forced her. I should’ve INSISTED she go… I should’ve texted Jamie… I should’ve done SOMETHING. Maybe she’d still be alive. She would’ve had a fighting chance.

She struggled to breathe while walking out of the bathroom and back to her side of the bed. She gasped for breathe and groaned in pain. I remember the sounds all too well. She took some medicine from a small blackish-brown bottle that was to help with the pain, and she used the nebulizer… And then she started the music again, laid back down and tried to sleep.

I fell asleep too, only for 3 hours. We woke up again around 6 AM… almost 7. It’d be time to get up for school soon.

She woke up again and went to the bathroom, I woke up because of her struggling to breathe. She coughed and breathed loudly. She struggled to get to the bathroom and I sat up, just looking at her for a moment as she say down and gasped for breath. “Mama… Please, you really need to go to the ER. This can’t wait.” Finally, she agreed. “Yeah, ER… We’re going.” I nodded and I grabbed my phone.

7:00 AM

Nanny

I won’t be at school today,

mama is going to the ER. She can’t breathe.

Okay, tell me what hospital

And when you get there.

Be safe.

I got my stuff packed up. I put it in the car… I packed my PS4, everything I knew I’d need, including my backpack because mama was most likely not gonna be out if the hospital by Sunday. I knew this all too well, this wasn’t out first rodeo.

She still wasn’t off the toilet. She needed my help. She had placed a diaper wipe on the side of the tub and sat on it because she lost more breath trying to wipe. She needed me to hold it so it didn’t stick. Finally she was able to go back to the bed, and I got her the one piece rainbow jumper she liked. She asked for it.

8 AM and we hadn’t left yet. Nanny asked if we were there yet… we weren’t. She’d asked if she needed to come get us to take her to the ER. Mama said for her to not come unless she was coming to pick me up.

Finally after insisting, Mama agreed for Nanny to come get us. “She won’t make it in time, though.” Mama had said while she laid down to try and get more sleep. I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep. “Knowing her and how bad it is right now, I’m betting she’s going at least 20 over the speed limit.”

She was. She told me herself.

Nanny asked if we should call rescue, after she had asked if we made it safely. That was at 8:16 AM.

Should Gammy come? Gammy was mama’s mom. Jamie wasn’t off work. Mama thought of calling rescue too.

She thought of calling rescue too

I think she can drive

I thought she could drive

She couldn’t catch her breath to walk to the car. She doesn’t need to drive.

“I’m leaving now.” On Friday, April 8th and 8:48 AM. It took at least 45 minutes to get from Nanny’s house to Mama's. Maybe longer depending on traffic.

She got there in 48 minutes.

Mama’s asking where you are. Callahan. Hilliard.

9:36 AM

Nanny

Here

I see

She struggled to breathe more and more. I put Felippe in the room my brother- well… little sister now.. used when she used to live here. In hindsight, I think he knew.

She could barely walk but she needed to go to the bathroom. I offered to help her walk, but she said no. She took my help anyway. I went to go clean the litter box. Nanny called 911, explaining everything and relaying what mama struggled to say.

I was away and Nann said mama was calling me. I never went to answer her call so fast in my life. She needed help to wipe. She was embarrassed, she felt humiliated but I said it was okay. She couldn’t control it. I was fine with it. She sat on the side of the bath tub.

When the paramedics arrived, she asked if they had a shirt or something. They only had a sheet. I did find a shirt for her to put on so they could come in. She needed help to put it on.

I remember this too clearly.

She kept losing consciousness when I tried to help her put it on, and I shook her awake. She was dazed. She looked confused but panicked…

She said she was gonna die.

“I'm gonna die..” “No! You’re not! The ambulance will be here soon, you’re gonna be fine!” I said that so harshly, because I was convincing her and myself that everything was okay. She knew. I know she knew. And I can’t believe I didn’t say I love you in those last moments. I’m horrible for that. I’m the worst child for that. I never said it enough. And now I’m paying the price for it.

She prayed to Jesus to let her live, that she was going to stop smoking, she didn't want to die. She wasn't ready to die, she didn't wanna leave me behind.

She rested her forehead against my chest, she needed some sort of support to stay up. I called for help, I yelled that she had a shirt on, we were ready. But I don’t think they heard me.

She gasped and gasped, and that look in her eye… I still remember it and I can draw it perfectly from memory. She was scared. That was the look of fear, that was the look that she knew she was dying and she was afraid.

“I need air! I need to breathe, I CAN’T FUCKING BREATHE!” “What do you want me to do? Like… CPR?” “YES!” She said that as though that was the best idea she ever heard.

I’m so glad school taught us CPR, even if it wasn’t mouth to mouth… but I wish I didn’t need to use the knowledge.

I did the best I could. I breathed into her as much as possible so she could breathe all while begging for help.

Then they finally came in, maybe to see if we were ready. They went to us so quickly.

She was losing consciousness again.

“Ma’am? Ma’am, can you hear me?” She wasn’t responding and I was shaking her. “MAMA!”

My scream sounded so broken. That was the most broken I’ve heard my voice.

I looked up at the ceiling while she woke up, trying to stay calm and be strong for her… but the tears I couldn’t hold back. I didn’t want her to see me weak.

They told me they had it now, and had me leave the room. Nanny knew.

The police man came in and had us come outside, asking questions.

I heard them before he came in. “CPR starting at 10:30 AM.” No… it was 10:28 AM.

He came out after going inside after asking us some questions. He pulled my nanny aside to talk to her in private. I was to stay where I was. Then she came back..

She took me to the car, and sat me in the driver’s seat. Something was wrong because she refused to tell me until I sat down.

“She’s gone…”

No.. no she isn’t.

She isn’t. She can’t be.

“They tried all they could… She’s… She’s gone, honey.” “NO! No she isn’t! She can’t be…”

Was that how I reacted??? I think…

I was silent… for a moment. I didn’t hyperventilate and why? I think it was from shock. I cried. I did, I know did. I felt numb though… I didn’t feel much… and I'm still so conflicted.

10:55 AM

“I’m very sorry for your loss. She expired at 10:55 AM.”

They tried for 30 minutes. What was she telling them when I heard her talking to the paramedics? I wish I knew.

Phone calls were made, gammy was upset too… Sissy was crying… Aife was taken out of school early. Sissy came to the house with her husband while her kids were at school.

I got a 2nd degree sunburn that day, we were out there till maybe 2 in the afternoon.

We got lunch and I could barely eat it even though I was starving, I wanted to throw up if I ate. Felippe cried the whole way home.. to my home.. the place that was always my second home. His new home...

I got to see her body… and even after I stopped crying… it started again.

My neighbor Gage, he was like an older brother to me, had texted me while leaving asking about the cop car. I watched him pull out of the driveway but when I texted back.. he turned right back around and instantly came to the house. I texted Jamie about what happened… Jamie was mama's best friend…

He hugged me, and we talked… Everything hurt and it still hurts. And it still feels like a dream. Everytime I lay in bed on a Monday, it feels like a dream especially during the school year, before school ended. It felt like a dream, like it wasn’t real. I’d forget for a moment.

What hurts the most is every. Single. Sunday.

That’s hotdogs day, that’s also when I usually go home for school on Monday… Kane, my little cousin, knows that so well.

And every Sunday he says I need to go home, that I’m gonna be late to go home… that I’m going home today… That Felippe needs to go home. He doesn’t mean to. He doesn’t fully understand. Yeah, he’s 7 but realize he also has down syndrome so he’s a bit behind.

It hurts so much though… because I don’t know if he’s fully realized and understood that this IS home now… this IS Felippe’s home… he doesn’t understand… but.. I want to cry every time. Because.. I’m supposed to be going home today during the school year.

It’s been more than 2 months… and I still remember every detail. So vividly. And I’ll never forget those sounds. Her face… her cough, the way she was breathing… and I wanna keep the house.

I can’t. It’s too expensive, and doesn’t wanna pay for it anymore because it’s been a burden for 13 years.

But that’s my home.. my only home.. I grew up there. I wanna fix it up and move in when I’m 18. Most 18 year Olds don’t have their whole whole trailer… I don’t care… preserve it. Because I didn’t stop procrastinating for 5 minutes to preserve her voice… to make her an UTAU like I wanted. And she was more than happy to.

This entire story is based on very true events, and the times are accurate to each thing that happened based on texts previously. Words said here and relatively accurate to what was said that day. As are the texts.

Rest in Peace

Mama

December 1st, 1972 – April 8th, 2022

3 days and 3 years after Wowaka’s passing…

Something about Sol being a spider, a tarantula if you will. A beautiful Mexican red knee, to match his peering eyes. Setting up his burrow of pretty lies to lure in the poor bug that happens to pass his path whether that be a cricket or roach or any plain old insect. He’s not very good at seeing, spiders are not known for their eyesight but rather vibration. When you hit the ground in front of him, he had assumed you were something like a locust. Taking a break from being in the sky, resting your tiny little wings. So he stalked and began to prey upon you. 

But he can’t see how bright your wings are, he can’t tell that you are just roughly the same size as him. He doesn’t even notice how dark your head, legs and body are, most locusts have some form of green on them yet you don’t even have a splotch. He’s cocky. He thinks he’s lured in you enough to go for the kill. It’s a surprise to him when it’s his body to go limp, losing all control down from the tips of his toes to pretty much the eyes in his head. He would be admiring the fit of strength you possess if it wasn’t his body you were dragging, pulling his dead weight back into his home. 

Your door lock clicks as you take your keys out of it, opening and stepping in your apartment. Closing and locking it behind you, dropping your bag, chucking off your shoes and flopping on the sofa. Taking a deep breath in as you adjust to the now quietness of the house.

You slide into your usual routine, already had eaten so you didn't need to do dishes however there was laundry to pick up off the floor of your room. Tidying and sweeping the kitchen and bathroom, general cleaning. You glance at the clock on the stove, its vibrant green light reading to be past 9. Deciding its time to head to bed.

You open the fridge and pull out a spoon, setting the jug on the counter while you grab a small glass. Ready to stir and have a cup before going to bed. You take the wrap off the top before pausing, there was no separation. There was nothing to stir, which was off considering it had been probably 12 hours since you last touched it.

You pause and think, what or who did it and why? No sign of forced entry, no broken front lock or kicked in door and nothing stolen. So how? You pour it into the cup, your back out to the rest of the apartment and lifting the cup to your face. Then reaching down and pouring it in the sink quietly, rinsing out the cup and the juice.

Making sure if there was someone watching, they thought you had taken a sip of it at least. You calm your breath, not wanting to panic. You continue your routine, turning off the lights and going to burst your teeth. Heart pounding into your ears, adrenaline now overtaking any fear you may have had.

Snuggling into bed, having your phone under the pillow in case anything happened and your hand clutched around the pink frog plush for comfort.

You close your eyes and listen, tossing and turning for what felt like an eternity. Laying still as you could be, crickets and the wind would be almost lullabyic if it wasn't for the situation. Finally, a click from the window makes your face scrunch. Thankful but nervous your back was to it.

Your eyes open slightly as a pair of shoes hit the floor, your eyes adjusted to the darkness so you could see perfectly. You still your breathing again, shutting your eyes and tensing every muscle to not shake. Your arms clutch each other, the frog still in between them.

The stranger's feet carry themselves around the bed, a hand going to reach out to graze your legs. A hummed breath coming out as they admire your sleeping beauty.

Sol recognizes the small trembling in your body, a small frown appearing on his face as he squats down to look at your face. Your face slightly twitching as his hand touches your temple.

"Oh are you having a nightmare?" He pauses, his voice finally pierces your ears. "I'll chase all your monsters away pumpkin." Realization creeps up your ears and face, along with his hand. The man you had been obsessed with was now in your room, staring while you 'slept' and caressing you.

Your heart quickens but not out of fear anymore, in adoration. Planning in your head to now accept all the attention Sol wanted to give you but was just too nervous to while you were awake.

"Hmm, that seemed to have work. You've calmed right down just from me touching you. That's so cute." His voice was so delicate, not wanting to stir you from your slumber at all. You bit your tongue, yearning to just clamp your hand around his.

He takes your right arm, closing his eyes and putting your palm to his face. Relaxing in your touch, rubbing your hand with his thumb. You decided to peek open your eyes, taking the risk in benefit of seeing his peaceful face in your hand.

His hair felt so soft, it being out of his normal half up half down style. A black face mask pull down over his chin, very about break and enter kind of outfit. You closed your eyes again, a smile resting on your face.

Sol makes a comment about how soft your skin is, and how he should paint your nails to match his. You feel like you're being baked in the most pleasant ray of sun, his attention fuelling you for the whole next day ahead. You can his muttering, his usual small comments he thought you couldn't hear.

"I could just wrap in your scent til the end of time, staying in your arms so no one else ma-" He stops in the middle of his sentence, a thing he had never done since you'd known him. His hands withdraw from you, your concerns now growing.

"Frog, the frog. No, no it can't be." You barely make out his words, immediately realizing he's talking about the stuffie in your grasp. It now being more easily to see after he had taken your arm. The same frog that had matched his.

The one you had left on his bed.

Your bedroom stays quiet again, you could almost hear his mind running. Anxiety and dread filling the space between belly and chest again as you wondered if he'd run.

'He can't run, no. Don't want to scare him, but he can't run.' Your mind now running along with his, planning what would happen if he did book it. It didn't take much time for the both of you to make up your mind.

Sol's feet leaning back on the wood of the floor, a creaking escaping into the room. Arguably the loudest thing you've heard all night, all your life. Your right arm moves on instinct, reaching out and gripping the sweater he had on.

His crimson eyes shoot to yours, a look now lingering on your face that he had never seen before. Yet seemed so familiar.