Ren

But I wasn’t quick enough, fast enough because she was still listening, I quietly realize that and say to myself 

“Oh, she heard that.” 

The dismissal in my voice hurts her,  

She's been around long enough to know what that means and how I am feeling again.  

The big but fragile part of me that has been there more than half of my life.  

I let her stay for years, she’s made a garden for your place in my heart.  

It's filled with cherry blossoms and roses.  

There is a warmth and comfort every time you decide it's worth visiting.  

But I tell her, as firmly and softly as I can at the same time,

“You get no say to where you stay in this place of mine” 

Like those words meant anything of solidity 

Because she is still there, and she will let him in every time.  

Allowing him the ability to rock the encompassing space of my whole body with a simple sound,

When there is a breath, a glance, or simply his melodic laughter from him that could fill a room in my direction. 

I could only let yourself recognize this as love because she would make I feel warm.

Swell with the warmth that she is always so desperately making sure I always feel.  

She collected each new memory of him that was created, hastily like she felt that it would disappear immediately if she wasn't fast enough.  

Like they were photos, magazine clippings, and saved them in the crevices that I could soon try to forget about but ultimately fail.  

Maybe deep down she saw this coming one day,  

But never accepted it.  Acted like it didn't exist.

Always turning the other way, to hide and keep quiet.  

Out of my sight and hoped to keep low. 

But I always felt her. Every minute of every day.  

It was hard not to. She could make my whole inner core rock from the firm stance I tried to keep.  

The flowers she created and saved for him were made out of memories and love.  

But she promises, she will be so quiet. So so quiet.

Just please let her stay a little longer.  

Begged for a place of permanency with him again and again, year after year.  

I tried to act like I couldn’t hear her unless I listened for her cries.

But sometimes, maybe always, she made herself be heard because it was the loudest voice in my mind and knew how to make it felt through my entire body.  

Oh how she was in pain, but I couldn’t help her anymore. 

She barricaded her place in my heart to continue to be mine. 

But oh, how the poison festered and leaked through the oak floors of my heart.  

The flowers had grown thorns.  

And the thorns of the flowers were the tears and pain of all the years combined. 

Like a black mold that grew along those years.  

The pain followed close behind, and I couldn’t ever lose her.  

She loved him so much and continuously begged for me to continue feeling the same too.  

Most times she would pull me in so successfully, and I wouldn't even notice.

But not this time.

I put up the official eviction notice, when everything started to become numb and I felt distant to him.  

She didn’t provide happy feelings anymore 

It had divulged into anxiety and tears 

The air is suffocating 

The water is cold 

She doesn’t want to say goodbye to him.  

But I need to help her say goodbye.  

I need to teach her how to let me, just me, love her with just purely herself.  

All she knew was him and all she wanted was for him to fit in her corner; in her garden.  

She is more heartbroken than before and it is my time to pick her back up.  

Build her a garden, and show her love. But build it only for her.