For the Write Reasons

Group Date #1 - Drag Show

We learn/are reminded of a few things with Hannah:

She can't dance. At all.

Her grammar is sub-par - It's "couldn't care less", NOT "could care less". The latter implies that you could, IN FACT, care less than what your are currently caring. So frustrating.

She loves abdominal muscles. Her favorite comic book artist has to be Rob Liefeld.

Speaking of abs, let's talk about Luke, who's just Brick Tamland-ing his way through life. You've know her for 2 days and suddenly you're starting to fall in love? Mike is skeptical and so am I. GTFOH, you Bryce Harper doppelganger.

Jed comes out the winner of this date for multiple reasons. He could probably come back and be the musician for one of the episodes of next year's Bachelor or Bachelorette. He is also able to secure a rose while rocking the Canadian Tuxedo. Very impressive.

1v1 Date w/Tyler G - 4-wheelin'

Hannah compares Tyler G to a hotter version of Tim Tebow, which I defintely see BUT TEBOW WAS A GATOR. HE MOST DEFINITELY DID NOT ROLL TIDE! You might as well say you want to have a wedding reception at Toomer's Corner to completely stab Nick Saban in the back.

This date gives us my favorite picture in the history of the franchise:

Your traditional post-4wheelin' relaxation: mud-caked white denim outfit sitting on a comfy sofa, covered in a blanket with my 4wheelin' buddy, sipping on some pinot gris. As one does with the boys.

Their evening convo seems pretty good for this early in the process and they seem to hit it off, but their rose-sealing kiss was not very passionate at all.

Group Date #2 - Roller Derby

The first athletic contest of the season leads to the first injury of the season (Sidepool Alert!) and the first appearance of Fred Willard. Dustin, a shy guy with a nose ring, gets a swollen ankle...a kiss...and later a rose. That is how you roller derby.

Meanwhile, Cam has been in the mansion for 2-3 days spitting rhymes and not hanging out with Hannah. He's freaking out and seriously needs to calm the eff down. His stir-craziness leads him to violate the sanctity of the group date. I can't decide which is worse: Cam destroying the integrity of the Date Card or the other idiots coming out to complain to Cam about taking their time away from Hannah, which effectively takes their time away from Hannah.

Obviously, this is catnip to the producers. They drive Cam over to the group date to stir the pot and probably cut the date short to allow for the festering of feelings.

Rose Ceremony

Hannah is already getting choked up by the responsibility of being the Bachelorette. In the 2nd week. Holy hell, Hannah! You're gonna needs to Man Roll Tide-Up here. Making the choice for Hometowns might end up killing you if Week 2 is causing this much inner turmoil.

Placement in the group matters. Connor S, who's on the left edge of the group is able to steal Hannah away from the group quickly before anyone else is able to act. If you're in the back of the pack, you've got no shot at pulling off that move. As a contestant, you have to mark out your territory early on in the night to have that advantage. And even then, it's a guessing game. Will Hannah sit on the couch or stand up and talk to us? OH THE DECISIONS!!!!

Some interesting notes from the Rose Ceremony:

Hannah really loves abs. This is her favorite scene in all of cinema.

Kevin's death stares when Cam ABC's him out of quality time with Hannah were fantastic. His comeback of tossing chicken nuggets at Cam was the complete opposite.

Hannah definitely acted like her dad just caught her making out with a guy when Jed walked in on her and Luke P.

In Jed's defense, he was able to overcome that awkwardness fairly well. You don't voluntarily wear all denim if you aren't mentally tough.

Tyler C get the first rose of the night (Sidepool Alert). 3 people get sent home. Luke P finagles his way into more alone time with Hannah and we're set up for some interesting action next week.

Stray Notes:

Hannah Jacket Tracker: Hannah loves jackets, apparently. She transitioned from a white denim jacket to black leather jacket for her 1v1 this week and wore a athletic racing jacket for the 2nd group date. I foresee many jackets in our future.

I am done with ABC. Cam has totally ruined those letters for me. It's officially annoying. It's so annoying that I'm glad I don't have any babies or toddlers, because I would be unable to teach them their ABCs, because that acronym annoys me so much right now.

Official Tracker of Guys Who See What They Want and Do Whatever It TakesTM - Luke P and Cam

My God, those robes looked luxurious at the Drag Show. They probably felt like being hugged by a hundred chinchillas, who all love you so much.

The height of Garrett's hair is the height that Trump wants his wall to be

John Paul Jones almost went overboard while he was uni-cycling down the runway. Sorry, not sorry.

Hello All,     I normally don't make a recap of the "wo/men tell all", but I've got some cousins over and we're doing the damn thing. Let's head to the recap:

Let's divide the night into various sections:

Beefs

This has been a relatively normal season. There have been no real surprises in who gets sent home. So, it seems the producers decided to give everyone shots before the show in order to "jerry springer" the hell out of the show. I was legitimately surprised at how venomous the personal attacks were between the men. Maybe it was the producers urging a "set-up" for

Bachelor in Paradise

, but the candor of the men in no way represented what we saw during the season. I feel like the producers were trying to make up for a fairly non-dramatic season all in one episode.

Fashion

No sequins?! WTF?

This may have been the least amount of buttons buttoned in the history of the bachelor.

Wills is the man. He took a catholic elementary school skirt and made it a suit.

I really liked David's jacket. David as a person, not so much.

CH's pocket square game is next level

Becca loves dresses with a high neck and no shoulders. And sequins. Tons of sequins.

Jon wore khakis again!? I love khakis as much as the next guy, but WTF!?

Jason

"Love is love is love". I don't know what that means, but he may be the most gracious "loser" in the history of the show. He could clearly be the "kiss cam" winner every night at the ball park, but he yearns for more (as do well all).

His sincerity is unparalleled. Unfortunately, so is his slicked-back hair.

He was the only one who didn't follow the "let's Jerry Springer the hell out of this" gameplan. I feel this confirms his status as the next Bachelor.

Becca

No sequins, but lots of lace. Katie, my cousin , is certain she's wearing spanks.

Asked about Colton: "In the past, I've dated a virgin before." Probably in 8th grade.

"I always say 'It's not what a man wears, it's how he wears it." - when have you said that? You've said "do the damn thing" a lot, but never that.

Things I've Learned from Katie, who listens to "Bachelor/ette podcasts while ignoring her children:

Leo stars in the soft-core porn classic "High Heel Homicide".

Everyone takes the same flight back from the final rose location. Which means that Jason was hanging out in Thailand/Maldives for an extended period of time without anything to do. Now, if you're single and "in love" with whomever, this feels like a death sentence after you've been dumped. Meanwhile, I can't imagine a married person (male or female), who wouldn't take that deal gladly. I'm also picturing all three of them in the same row of seats on the flight back with Jason stuck in the middle seat.

Katie listens to podcasts about this show while cooking. On earbuds (Thank God).

"I would love a produce man in my life" - Katie, speaking for us all.

Spare Thoughts

CH trying to cheer up Colton on being a virgin, "Show my man, Colton, some love"...who has not had sex, like me, Chris Harrison.

The rehab choir for Chris did not work for me. Although the very idea of a rehab choir for everyday use is intriguing.

Totally missed the fervor over Grocery Store Joe. I must be reading the wrong recaps.

No Lincoln was a good choice. Although why are we bringing out first night ousters? Jordan asking who the hell was Christian (I had to check myself) was both accurate and hilarious.

We're in Thailand where it's raining less than here in Baltimore. We open with Becca doing a poor-woman's version on No Reservations in Thailand. Let's get to it:

Blake

Becca status: in love with. Jumping leg-lock hug.

We head up to the most impressive of the Buddhist temples in Chiang Mai.

NO TOUCHING!

Platonic hiking only once you get past the beginning markers. Becca and Blake get up to the temple at the top of the mountain, learn about love and head on down to where they can actually touch each other in the Fantasy Suite. 

Blake normally goes all buttons, but he loses the top two buttons for dinner tonight in a setting that must have been humid as F! He was dripping everywhere. Hard to say if they were more excited for getting down or getting into the AC of the fantasy suite?

Jason

Becca status: falling for. Standing hug. Ruh roh.

So, the date with Blake was pretty standard Bachelor/ette fare. Date in exotic locale. Talk about the future. Give the other person the card. Hello, sexytown. The date with Jason starts off on a familiar note (eating crickets!) but a standard question posed by Becca leads her to an epiphany. So, the question is: Do you believe in epiphany moments? I mean, she went from incredibly optimistic about Jason to having to get away from him ASAP and all he mentioned was living together with her after the show. Jason talking about finding his life partner as Becca stares off into the distance knowing she's about to etherize his heart was tough to watch. We leave the date with a glimpse of a champagne bottle, left un-popped, next to two wanting flutes.

Garrett

Becca status: in love with. Jumping leg-lock hug.

Quick turnaround for Becca, as she heads into a rafting date with Garrett the morning after liquidating her stock in Jason. Based on all the water splashing and when I think they were filming, it looks like Becca and Garrett unwittingly participated in Songkran, the Thai New Year celebration. Becca, in typical American imperialist fashion, is annoyed all of the native people are there preventing the couple from having a relaxing raft down the river. Anthony Bourdain would have been PISSED at Becca for such hubris. 

Afterwards, at dinner outside of a fancy treehouse, Garrett talks about how he's lost his fear of getting engaged again. His reward is a fantasy suite in a tent, where the possibilities are endless. But no AC.

Jason Take #2 and the Rose Ceremony

Jason goes to see Becca one more time. The main purpose is so that he can give her a scrapbook of their time together on the show. This scrapbook cements him as the next Bachelor, but what do you do with that after you read it one time? You can't keep that after you chose either Blake or Garrett. It's so nice though, that you can't really throw it away either. The only solution is to give it to Chris Harrison for his library.

Both remaining men accept their roses in one of the most anti-climatic rose ceremonies of all time and we're off to the Maldives.

Spare Thoughts

Becca said, "We're in Thailand" at least three times. Everyone understands where we are, Becca.

Maybe comparing your fantasy suite with Arie to your one with Blake, out loud...to Blake, might not be the best idea, Becca.

All three men where black button-down shirts to dinner. The humidity must have been intense.

Thailand's humidity was also not conducive to sequins, as this is the first episode sans sequins. I felt un-dazzled.

Garrett gets the first rose and Blake died a little on the inside.

We've got 4 hometown dates in 3 states. Let's get to it...

Garrett in Georgia

We get to meet Garrett at his family's farm in Georgia. Becca and he get to sit on back of a planter and feed small tomato plants into the soil. Their success ratio is pretty poor, thus probably costing his dad a lot of money later in the harvesting season.

When we meet Garrett's family, it's pretty clear that everyone has his or her own walls guarded after Garrett's failed marriage. Dad is guarded. Mom is guarded. Carlos, who was driving the tractor, seemed to have walls around his heart, as well.

They actually seem like a fun family and kinda hit it off with Becca. The edging on their front lawn was impeccable (which is how I mainly judge people nowadays). Garrett is in love and it seems like a good fit.

Jason in Buffalo

I have been to Buffalo twice. Both times in college to play Canisius. Both times in April. Both times it sleeted/snowed/rained the entire time. Needless to say, I did not like Buffalo. I do like wings, though. So the opening date seems nice (with the exception of the wasting of precious bleu cheese by both Jason and Becca).

The hockey portion of the date lets Jason show off his hockey skills. A few minor quibbles:

"Becster" as a nickname for Becca? Not a fan

Jason mentions that hockey is different than other sports because one substitution can greatly affect the chemistry of the team, unlike in other sports. That...can happen in pretty much any sport.

Now, his one unforgivable sin was not playing "

Endless Love

". Totally unforgivable.

Dinner with his family was great. I couldn't make out if it was a Victorian or a Queen Anne-style house, but that deep wood paneling! So hot. His entire family seemed to really get along with Becca. Jason is in love. Tough decisions ahead.

Blake in Bailey, Colorado

We get to meet Blake standing on a covered bridge in snow-swept Colorado. Blake takes her to his high school, which I thought was lame at first. Showing Becca his football picture from senior year and meeting his old teachers/coaches...c'mon dude, you can do better. But then, he took her to the library and talks to her about the school shooting that happened during his senior year of HS in 2006. So, the tour down memory lane was to show her how much that event affected him and impelled him to take advantage of life and have a positive outlook. I stand corrected Blake. Good work.

We get a private concert with Betty Who and it's on to Blake's mom's house.

Blake's mom gets a lot of screen time, as does his dad. The old basketball coach, who his mom double-dribbled with, barely gets any screen time.

Blake is also in love. The feels are everywhere.

Colton in Parker, Colorado

Colton takes Becca to the local children's hopsital, where he donates time/gifts to kids with Cystic Fibrosis. People doing good for those with CF has a special place in my heart, however the skeptic in me sees how Colton is trying to appeal to Becca's emotional side here. Having the nieces and nephews over for dinner makes me think this even more.

Speaking of Colton and his family, holy hell are they open about everything. For someone who said he kept his virginity private, it sure felt that everyone in that house knew. Everyone knew about Tia, too. Becca talks with his dad (who has just gotten back from the jobsite on DIY) and mom. Both convos centered around Colton's lack of experience with sex relationships.  Dad even wants Becca to let Colton go, if she's not sure it's going to grow into love.

At the end of the night, Colton is in love and Becca is googling "how to" books on sex to give to Colton as she drives off to the airport.

Girl Talk in LA

Mimosas, advice and gossip.

We learn that Jason is the best kisser (congrats!) and Tia still has feelings for Colton (gasp!) Tia, what is you doin? Keep that to yo'self. Look what you did...you forced Becca to go to her "thinking balcony" again.

Rose Ceremony in LA

Gotta go with sequins for the hometown week rose ceremony and Becca does not disappoint.

Colton stops Chris Harrison and pretty much asks "If I have to do the sex?" next week at the fantasy suite. CH quickly going through the implications, in his head, if sex is mandatory at the fantasy suite was highly amusing.

Colton does not get the rose. His dad's talk with Becca, and possibly the potential family conversations about what happened at the fantasy suite & honeymoon, is what helped her make this tough decision. Colton, understandably, takes it hard and sullenly heads to the limo.

Becca comes back and she cheers the three remaining men to sex Thailand.

Spare Thoughts

Garrett's dad, Jason's dad and Jason's brother all rocked shirts with the top two buttons undone.

I almost expected Tia to be in the limo at the end. Also, if Tia still has feelings for Colton, WHY IS SHE DOING "BACHELOR IN PARADISE"!!!!!!??????????

H's quotes of the night during our viewing:

"You're not going to make jokes about this are you?" - as we learn about the school shooting at Blake's high school. My wife thinks I'm a monster

It's the week before hometowns! Let's get to it...

We're in the Bahamas, which is a little more fun than Richmond. Coffee Talk w/ Chris Harrison happens again and even he's getting into the style of undoing the top two buttons. But, it's date time so...

1v1 w/Virgin Colton

The producers, and Colton, have kept him being a virgin a secret for the whole season...until now. Stuff like this is what makes the producers give thanks to their golden rose god Jesus. During the breadth of Colton's date, we are treated with a plethora of "conch" puns and wordplay AND fountains erupting as soon as Colton touches Becca at the end of the night.

Also, there are numerous interesting statements/reactions from the whole date, as well:

Colton talking about focusing on "football Colton" instead of "personal Colton" as a reason for being a virgin. Normally, being good at football/sports leads one to increased chances at having sex.

Becca's response: a quizzical "really?" < H's response: a loud "WHAT?!".

Why does Becca need to go to her thinking balcony for this? This is way better than him telling you he's got herpes or has multiple kids from different women. What's there to think about?

Garrett equates being a virgin with having a "skeleton in the closet". Ummmmm...

Colton mentions lying about his virginity to keep up with "locker room talk", which coincides nicely with the political interruption we have during the middle of the episode tonight. "Locker room talk" has been used/dismissed a lot recently in our political sphere.

Colton gets the rose, because of his honesty, and we'll see if the producers get to break out more fountain/train/firework/rocket metaphors for the fantasy suite episode

1v1 w/Garrett

We've got a jumping leg-lock hug (a lock for a rose) and a sea plane! Let's get on it, before it's too late.

The producers made a clear distinction between Colton and Garrett on the latter's date with Becca. Garrett knows how to use a swing (perhaps a sex swing?). He's used to getting in the water with a girl (multiple times, in fact). Garrett has experience, is what I'm saying.

He also went with the top 3 buttons unbuttoned for the evening portion of the date. We're two weeks away from just having a button down shirt with it's buttons being ENTIRELY UNUSED!

During the dinner, Garrett and Becca both talk about how their respective engagements did not end well. Maybe because of this there's definite chemistry there and he gets a rose as well.

1v1w/Blake

Another jumping leg-lock hug. Good sign for Blake, who has been freaking out over a lack of interaction with Becca. He is rewarded with a 1v1 (great!) and a intimate concert with the Baja Men (awful!). Talking on the beach, Becca understands why Blake is freaking out over a lack of interaction with her and some jealousy over her interactions with the other guys. However, she now sees how difficult it was for Arie to navigate (without crashing, which OF COURSE he was unable to do) multiple relationships with intimate feelings. This answer does NOT give Blake any relief whatsoever, which is not surprising.

At dinner, Blake tries to stand out by buttoning every button on his shirt, emphasizing middle-america's love of the top button(maybe?). I personally hate this look (one of the many reasons why I'm anti-Bubba Watson), but you've gotta do you.

The biggest bomb dropped tonight is not Colton's virginity. It is the fact that Blake's mom left his dad for Blake's basketball coach. Blake's family did not like to talk about personal matters apparently (hence top button stays BUTTONED DAMNIT!), so Blake found out a lot of details about his parent's divorce from outside sources in his small town. This is like modern re-telling of Hoosiers! Anyway, Blake gets a rose, which sets up...

A HUGE 3v1 w/WILLS, LEO & JASON

Break out your best floral tank top, it's a winner take all group date!

Becca is playing with the boys to start off the group date. She then takes time with each of them individually. There are no surprises with any of her picks this week. The commercial lead-ins try to play up as much drama as possible, but in the end the final four is predictable.

Leo, who is incredibly honest and awesome, never had the same spark with Becca as the others.

Wills, who has a sartorial style that is fantastic and incredibly floral (which I love...totes obvs), also never had the same spark.

So while I personally rooted for both, it wasn't meant to be.

Spare Thoughts

Sequin watch: only on 1v1 date w/Colton. Becca also goes with the rare ponytail after her beach date with Garrett.

Colton reciprocated with the rarely seen "sleeve-less" sweat shirt hoodie the day after his date

Jason says what I suppose has never been said before in the history of mankind, "I can't wait for you to come to Buffalo".

I so wanted to meet Wills' family, solely to see his sartorial influences. His closet is an inspiration and a danger, all at the same time. Few can pull off what he's doing (me included).

Various basketball/sex puns I thought of with regards to Blake:

His mom pick and rolled out of her marriage

His step-dad ran the break well on his mom

His step-dad was able to penetrate the zone that confused his dad

His step dad was very good at drawing up "out-of-bounds plays"

His mom's offense is based on back-door motion

I'm an awful person

We're in Richmond and we're getting political. Let's go...

We open with "Coffee Talk with Chris Harrison". Becca is already thinking about babies and wedding magazines, while, in the hotel, Chris and Lincoln are beefing with each other. They are sitting in a love seat in a state "for lovers" and acting like idiots. Poor form.

1v1 w/Jason

As we winnow down the herd, we start to see Bachelor/ette syndrome start to emerge. I've talked about this in the past, but basically the contestants are all there for one purpose (Becca, in this instance) and all of their focus is upon getting recognition from that one person. There's no contact with the outside world and you just flit from one hotel to another with brief glimpses of Becca sprinkled in between. This leads to some weird behavior (Jason super excited about a trolley-bus?) and an intense need to spend as much time as possible with Becca.

This date also gives us some interesting things:

Patrick Henry's Sugar Shack Donuts?

Banker Bros! - Jason's buddies from home, who just finished shorting some stocks in order to hang out with their broseph

Snow in the spring - as someone who was outside A LOT this spring, this did not surprise me at all

Now, I am not a huge fan of Jason, but his story about his grandmother's Alzheimers and Jason's dad dealing with it, reduced me to a pool of emotion. I actually kinda of like him after that story. What to do?!

Group Date - Politics!

Now, I understood why GW was there, but I couldn't figure out why Lincoln was there at the former Confederate capital. This episode's heavy dose of US History inspired me to do a little research. Lincoln visited the capital, right before the Confederacy surrendered and a week before his assassination. He visited, not with an army, but with his son, Tad, and a few sailors. The people swarmed him as he went to the state capital to meet with southern lawmakers. So there you go.

It is no surprise in this current political climate that the Beccalection Debate quickly went south. Lincoln and Chris, who has gotten increasingly angrier since being forced out of Chandler's apartment, continued their petty squabble in front of everyone, including the Governor of Virginia! (The Guvnah's reaction to Chris dropping "fat f@ck" was priceless. That was a look of a man who was about to fire whatever campaign staffer agreed for him to be on the show.)

This is another instance where the Syndrome takes over. Both Chris and Lincoln seem dodgy to begin with, but the need to get time with Becca has exacerbated their worst traits (anger and duplicitousness, respectively). You can also see it with the rest of the guys on the group date who were pissed that the Lincoln/Chris beef would prevent them from spending any time with Becca at all.

Colton is able to get the rose in the aftermath as everyone is starting to feel like this because of all the fighting.

1v1 w/Leo - Oysters!

I really like Leo. He seems very down to earth (as much as any contestant on this show can be) and tries to reassure Becca about this at the start of their date.

I love oysters and it seems Becca does not. However, Leo kept saying they were "shucking" oysters, when they were "harvesting" them. Know the terminology!

I actually thought Leo was going to get sent home. His "dad story" couldn't hold a candle to Jason's and their kiss after Leo's story seemed luke-warm, at best. But he ends up getting the rose, and the crowd at the <insert random bargain-rate country artist here> concert welcomed the couple, like Richmond welcomed Abe & Tad Lincoln so many years ago.

Chris' Theatrics and Rose Ceremony

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Except Chris' drama. His fundamental problem is that he thinks his feelings are right and everyone should agree with them. "Am I not allowed to express how I feel?", he comments to Becca. Which...great. You can express your feeling all you want, but that doesn't mean I have to like and/or agree with them. Empathy, dude. Learn it.

He gone. One episode too late.

The Rose Ceremony was at the Dover Hall, which looks like it could be the mansion from Clue. No cocktails. Mainly for fear of getting hit with a lead pipe when the lights flicker off, I suppose. Connor and Lincoln get shown the door and we're heading to the Bahamas.

Random Thoughts

Never trust a man who angrily stuffs in his pocket square with such reckless abandon.

Garrett's "Can I steal Becca?" awkward smile was hilarious

Chris has a journal - presumably where he writes down his angry thoughts about eggs and cholesterol

I don't know the answer to this: Does Becca love sequins more than Colton loves sweatshirts?

Hello all,

    Sorry for the delayed recap. I'm on vacation at Bethany, which means I get to watch the show with my Mom and not get any recapping done on time because of my children and their various beach needs. Regardless, let's get to it...

1v1 w/Colton

Camels in Vegas? Sure, why not? I can't tell you how many times I've watched romantic moments between people on camels. We find a hot tub oasis (which, of course) and then we head to cocktails. Becca is following an "all-sequins all the time" approach. I love it. H hates it. My mom is nonplussed. Meanwhile, Colton gets the rose because leaving the two top buttons undone is the new normal.

Group Date - Wayne F'n Newton

God bless botox and Wayne F'n Newton. Fun side bet in Vegas: is there more gold or botox in the Newton Manor? Wayne may also have the whitest teeth this side of the Atlantic. Meanwhile, we are entertained by:

Blake pontificating right next to a peacock

Wills rocking the matching floral button-down shirt & short. (If it was a romper, I would have asked the show to shut down and make Wills the all-time winner.)

Chris win the "contest"...i guess. Mom is anti-bachelorette (wrong) and anti-chris(right) at this point. Meanwhile, Blake is in love! (sidepool win!) and we are left wondering why we even have a 2nd button on a dress shirt, if no one on the show uses it.

2v1 w/Jordan & Dave - Valley of Fire

It's been 5 weeks in the making - Jordan vs Dave in the Valley of Fire, which is a real thing that is not fictional. Let's take a look at Mom's feeling during this 2v1, accompanied by reasonable annotations:

"This is so stupid." - Mom hates love.

"How could <Dave> be in the clay and wear white shoes?" - Mom has spent a lot of time in barns and knows the dangers of wearing white. Plus, Dave is a tool.

"Why would <Dave> be using his 1v1 time talking to her about another guy?" - Mom hates Dave. We're on the same page.

"They're all sitting on the same bed in the desert?" - Mom doesn't get "The Bachelorette". We're now on different pages.

Becca playing "Hall Monitor" between the two was the death knell. I guess the producers made here keep Jordan around the for the evening dinner. Both of them getting kicked out was the inevitable outcome, but for different reasons. Dave was a loser; Jordan was incompatible.

Becca going outside for sad fireworks, by herself, may be the perfect metaphor this episode.

Rose Ceremony

Remember that time when Wills disappointed with his sartorial decisions?...Nope, me neither.

Chris went STRONG. He should have been sent home. Obviously, there was a clear narrative shift of making Chris the villain, instead of Jordan. Which, I was very disappointed. If Becca is making this season her own, there's no way Chris should still be there. He somehow turned FOMO into FONGAR ( fear of not getting a rose). What the hell?

John gets sent home (probably because he was wearing khakis at the Rose Ceremony) and we're leaving Vegas.

Becca getting rid of both guys in the 2v1 is the right move. Her keeping Chris is not encouraging. I understand the need for "confrontation", but just let the Bachelorette make her own decisions. Let's see what happens next week.

Two rose ceremonies tonight. Let's get to it...

Rose Ceremony #1

I am firmly on Team Jordan in any stupid Bro War that has been wrongfully started. I don't think he'd be a good match for Becca, but he may be the most honest person on the show. The man wants to look good and knows a lot about clothes. Those are pretty much the only things he talks about. Colton, David and Chris all feel that he's not taking this seriously and he's just in this to further his modeling career. Which, why do you care? Becca is a grown ass woman that can take care of herself. She'll figure it out, if that's his true intentions (which I don't think so). Take a look at these quotes back to back:

Jordan: "He's probably thinking he can save some face but, little does he know, that he has no face to save"

David: "I fell off the top bunk of a bunkbed and broke my nose, but what hurts the most is not being here for Becca."

I mean, C'MON!! Jordan's quote is pure gold, while Dave is so lame.

Meanwhile, Ryan and Mike (#sadmanbun) don't make the trip to Utah.

1v1 w/Garrett

So, we're in Utah. Where fun consists of trying on furry hats, jammies and going to a juice bar. Utah is the David of the 50 states.

Now, the bobsledding is awesome. As someone who does not like roller coasters very much, I would be very reticent to go bobsledding. However, if I survived, that's a pretty cool thing to do.

Afterwards, over drinks, Garrett talks about how he was married for about 2 months before getting divorced. They fell in love while both travelling and seeking out adventure, but when it came time to settle down and do basic marriage stuff, it did not last long. So, Garrett decided to enter "The Bachelorette" to try a more conservative approach to find love...hmmmmm.

Garrett gets the rose and they get to listen to a country singer named after an industrial supply and equipment provider. Utah, strikes again!

Group Date - Lumberjack Games!

Flannel, logs, axes and  saws. It's Lumberjack porn!

As a homeowner with a fireplace, and a registered male, they were using a splitting maul to split the wood, NOT an axe. Let's get the terminology right here, people.

Jon ends up getting his own college football tradition trophy for climbing up the pole.

Now, the cocktail party afterwards is where all the bad stuff happens:

Colton and Chris tag team against Jordan. Once again, very lame.

This camera angle

What the hell was Jean Blanc thinking? Was he wearing a cologne that emphasized notes of awkwardness and stupidity?  (No sidepool win, btw. Wasn't in a private confessional and he took it back, which can you do that?)

After jettisoning Jean Blanc, Becca calls off the rest of the night and Nick doesn't get a chance to explain why he thought wearing a track suit to the rose ceremony was a good idea.

1v1 w/Wills - Snowmobiles

Wills' lounge attire is a hooded sweatshirt with his name on it. Wills is awesome.

Still shaken from the prior night, Becca and Wills start off on snowmobiles travelling slowly. As the ride progresses, Becca starts to feel more relaxed and wants to go faster with Wills. (Metaphor alert!!)

Afterwards, being with Wills seems to reassure Becca of her journey in love. Wills talks about how his ex wanted a "hall pass" for both her and Wills. I'm am actually shocked real like people do that.

Wills get a rose and we're off to the Rose Ceremony.

Rose Ceremony

Readers, if Chris Harrison is showing up in the middle of the season right before the rose ceremony, it can only mean one thing: NO COCKTAILS!. Which makes sense, because we're in Utah.

Nick and Criston are gone and we're off to Las Vegas, where there will be cocktails and a 2v1 date apparently.

Spare Thoughts

There was a running theme of people involved with the planned activity for the date finding love in that activity, which was heartwarming.

Lincoln is a flat-earther and has a basic misunderstanding of science generally and friction specifically.

Did Leo borrow Wills' floral print jacket for the Rose Ceremony?

Colton feels this is serious and wants to be done with all of these games that Jordan plays. Join us next week as Colton plays in a game set up by the producers.

"I'm like a sponge. You can squeeze me and get everything out of me, but you'll never know unless you try." - Jordan, Nobel Laureate of our times.

A very historic Bachelorette. Some people are saying it was the most historic Bachelorette in the history of this country. Huge. Let's get to the recap:

Group Date #1 - Spa Day!

Did Colton get on The Bachelorette in order to be with Tia? That kinda sounds stupid. If he wanted to be with Tia, then he would've continued trying to see her after there weekend together (which seemed way less hot than we were lead to believe last week).

Regardless, the producers are playing games setting up this spa day. However, it was Colton coming out to Becca last week about the whole situation that saves him from any true damages.

We are treated to two great visuals after the day spa though. Jordan looking serious with painted fingernails and Wills' facial expressions when Jordan and David were going at it. Will's is just hanging out, getting drunk on the couch, while two idiots try to out-idiot each other.

Jason, seen here in high school trying to get Bianca to go out with him, looks exactly like your prototypical banker who has embezzled a lot of money.

1v1 w/Chris - Richard Marx!

Becca can NOT sing and Chris may not be able to write. The producers picked the most guarded person there for this date. This allows us to get into some "let my walls come down" conversations, which are always fun.

Chris opens up about his father abandoning him, gets the rose from Becca and Richard Marx takes us home (and into sidepool territory!).

Fact of the Night - "Hold on to the Night" is Richard Marx's best song.

Bonus Fact of the Night - Just because you rhyme the last words of two lines, doesn't mean they're good lyrics. Richard was very kind with his critiques of their lyrics

Interlude - A Murder Most Fowl?

The lights shine on the stage as blood is everywhere. Enter Hamlet and the ghost of David, a grown man who wore a chicken costume to win the love of a woman...

Ham.  O God!

Ghost. Revenge his foul and most unnatural murder.

Ham. Murder!

Ghost. Murder most foul, as in the best it is,

But this most foul, strange, and unnatural.

Ham.  Haste me to know ’t, that I, with wings as swift

As meditation or the thoughts of love,

May sweep to my revenge.

Ghost. I find thee apt;

Chris H. Sorry to interrupt, but it wasn't murder. He fell from his bunk bed.

Ham. You really made it seem like something was rotten in the state of California

Chris H. Yeah. We do that a lot.

Ghost. So why am I a ghost, if I'm still alive?

Becca. Not for long

End of Play

Group Date #2 - Foosball!

The kids from last week were way better at taunting than the ladies from the Legends Football League. Also, I didn't like the name of the event. The "Becca Bowl" should  be Becca vs Bekah in contest to determine who's name is the correct spelling.

Clay earns the 2nd ambulance of the day. Maybe he can share a room with David.

Becca wore a satin bathrobe? to the cocktail portion of the date and Ryan wore something from the Zack Morris collection.

Clay makes a triumphant return from the ER and ends up getting the rose...for now.

Rose Ceremony

Connor, who played minor league baseball, takes Becca outside to play some T-Ball and get some quality time. Impressively, Becca is able to run around the bases in an evening gown and high heels. Unimpressively, Connor can't even get to first base with Becca.

Clay has learned that he needs surgery and it has to happen immediately if he wants to make it back for the start of the NFL season. (He's on the injured reserve list for the NO Saints right now) He actually gives up his rose and leaves the show, in order to try to make it back on the roster and help support his family. A valiant gesture that may lead him to becoming the Bachelor in a few seasons if the NFL doesn't work out.

Spare Thoughts

I assume that this song was playing in the background of the lunch between Trump and Kim Jong Un in order to properly signify the importance of the event.

Chris Harrison starts out the day hot and burns Jordan, "Thanks for wearing clothes this morning."

Collarless shirts and birkenstock sandals at the spa?! - simply awful

Hello all,

    Let us accomplish this darn item!

We open with Becca riding a bike around California thinking about her journey to this point. Arie drove around a sports car doing the same thing one season ago. Sports Car > Bicycle .

The men are all in the mansion waiting for Chris Harrison to show up and get things going. Had he not shown up, there was potential for a Jets/Sharks feud brewing between V neck and Crew neck shirt factions.

Group Date #1

We've got an AB Party everyone! Jordan, our male model, remarks that the first thing you have to put on is your confidence whenever you go out. Jordan is the antithesis of J. Alfred Prufrock. There's no way Jordan will get that reference, but then there's no way my hair will ever look as good as his does in a helmet. So, it's a tie.

Rachel and Bryan (wearing all the denim in the world possibly) show up to tell our contestants about their Seal/Wedding obstacle course. Lincoln, who is not afraid to get down and dirty, wins the competition and a side pool. Strong start for Lincoln. The Deuce is loose, so to speak.

After the muddy obstacle course ends, the men get all clean and meet Becca who is rocking a hot red pantsuit with straight hair. OH WE ARE BRINGING IT THIS SEASON!

Meanwhile, Connor's got his top two buttons undone on a collarless shirt to show off the chest hair. Unfortunately, he finds a way to get hot under the collar even though he has none, and breaks the picture of Lincoln and Becca that Lincoln was rubbing in everyone's faces. Lincoln proceeds to snitch (sidepool alert!) to Becca about the whole thing and Connor is done even before we've hit the 3rd commercial break.

1v1 w/Blake

It's a Chip Gaines special! A demo-day date! The producers, at the top of their game, let Blake help Becca in exorcising her demons from her relationship with Arie. Lil John even shows up to help set the mood for all the destruction from the window to the wall. I did not think Lil John and The Bachelorette went together, but here we are. After the destruction, Becca and the cowboy have your typical Bachelor/ette convo about falling in love so quickly and being vulnerable. Blake is able to get the rose and some smooching.

Group Date #2

Another competition. This time it's dodgeball and we've got kids taunting the men as they prepare for the game. It's an embarrassment of riches that gets even better when Fred Willard shows up again to provide color commentary. The pink team was pretty much the Cleveland Cavaliers and Leo was Lebron James. He willed them to a victory in Game 2, but was ultimately unable to overcome the rest of his team's suckiness.  

At the Four Seasons after, Becca goes with a goth glam look and pulls it off stupendously. Garrett shows up with a button down shirt without a collar. Are we not doing collars anymore? I do NOT like this trend.

Meanwhile, Wills clearly does not give a f@ck. Floral print black jacket, collarless button-down shirt, pants with a racing stripe and dress shoes with no socks. And he pulls it off with ease. WITH EASE! He takes home the group date rose and deservedly so.

Over in the staged drama world, Colton apparently had a weekend fling with Tia, prior to coming onto the show. I would say there's a 100% chance that the producers chose Colton solely that this scenario could play out. Damn you producers! How dare you drag Tia's name through the mud only to sow doubt in Becca's mind.

Rose Ceremony

Jordan is a less funny Zoolander. His ploy to win over Becca by wearing no clothes was a bold move. The pink blanket really brought the whole thing together for me. That being said, he's a moron. Which is why it was even more moronic for David (for the right reasons sidepool!) to confront Jordan. Being the person that confronts the problem reality show contestant never works out. N-E-V-E-R-! Don't get sucked in, David. Be the smart chicken here.

Chris gets the first rose (sidepool alert!) and Alex, Ricky and Trent got sent home.

Five hours of a Bachelor Finale. Even Peter Jackson thinks that's too long and needs to be edited.

Night 1

It's all unimportant until the last hour of monday night. Arie's telling everyone and everthing that falls into his line of sight that he loves them. He's breaking hearts and proposing in a field of llamas. Suffice to say, neither of those two girls probably like llamas anymore and will never read this book to their children nor listen to this lullaby.

Top Ten Quotes from Monday

10. Lauren: "I'm extremely confused" (upon learning she wasn't getting the rose) - won't be the first time for any of us tonight.

9. Arie: "She knows that I think about Lauren." (the first scene after the final rose ceremony) - that's never a good sentence to say to your fiance

8. Arie: " I know talking to you in person and in this way feels cruel." (to Becca, as he's breaking her heart on national tv voluntarily) - that's because this is cruel. and unusual. and punishment. I felt like I was watching "Old Yeller".

7. Arie: "You're an incredible woman." (to Becca, trying to soften the blow) - Becca almost made a fist after he said this. That was the closest the producers came to getting their wish of some sort of violence.

6. Arie: "Can we talk just a little bit"

   Becca: "Don't touch me." - the first time Arie tries to get Becca to tell him that it's ok and everything is going to be fine.

5. Becca: "I'm not going to hug you goodbye" - Becca trying to hammer home the point that she's NOT going to tell him that it's ok.

4. Arie: "Hey....are you ok?" - Arie knocking on the bathroom door, as Becca sobs from having her heart broken, and using the same tone your mom uses checking on you as your heaving on the toilet.

3. Arie: "All I really want to tell Lauren is that 'I love you, but I'm saying goodbye." (to the producers after telling Lauren she's not getting the rose) I don't even know where to begin with trying to figure out this sentence.

2. Becca: "Just go."

    25 seconds of silence later/Arie: "Ok. I'm gonna go." - Arie STILL not figuring out that Becca's not going to let him off the hook for this one.

1. Becca: "Ok. I'm done." (walking away from Arie and from a relationship destined for catatrophe)

Other Takeaways from Monday

Here's video of Lauren going back to her hotel room and learning how to deal with the pain.

Do NOT play poker with Chris Harrison. His demeanor and hugs (even the hugs!) were the same for both Lauren and Becca. It may be because this show has taken away his soul, which quite frankly is another reason not to play poker with Chris Harrison.

Very disappointed they didn't support Peru's agro-economy and have Arie propose with a Peru avocado, which is the style nowadays. Also, Becca's rose breaking after the proposal has many meanings. (It wasn't from Radebaugh's Florist and the engagement is doomed)

I can't imagine any producer or film guy from this show has a soul. Holy hell that break-up scene was too much.

Tuesday Night

We're live for the second night. Have we sucked enough of humanity from everyone yet? Let's find out!

A few things jumped out from the segments in the first hour:

Did Arie talk to Jason before or after breaking up with Becca? I think it was after, but Jason telling him that "you have to be certain about his decision" made me question whether it was before. But Jason and Molly made it seem like they would have told him to break up with Becca privately. So...i'm confused a little on the timeline.

The producers had Becca look over her scrapbook AND the videos. Even North Korea thought that was too much.

Arie said "True dat."

Chris Harrison asks Arie if he's over Becca. He responds "yes" while shaking his head. MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!!!

Becca wore her best "F you" dress for the occasion.

How many peacocks have died for Bekah M's various unnecessarily large earrings? Also, the producers should have had a Bekah M reaction camera in the top right portion of the screen.

Becca hanging out with some of the other girls from the season was the best part of the night. Trying to all fit on those two seats was hilarious and much needed refresher really from the whole season. The billboards and fans starting a gofundme for Becca to get drink is hilarious. It also allowed the producers to save some face by matching those donations to a cancer research foundation.

For Arie and Lauren, this will be a tough road ahead. Social media is going to be brutal. I guess Jason and Molly are an example of this kind of thing working out, but this whole sh!tstorm has got be in the back of Lauren's mind. The show does create a highly pressurized desperate-to-find-love bubble, and the quick and forced timeline of the show does play a role in coloring a person's judgement, but there were better ways for this to have gone down and Arie made some God-awful decisions along the way. His racing career is known more for its crash & burns (e.g. Fail Earnhardt, Jr) and disappointments. Let's hope his engagement (which got off to a rocky start with no avocado for the ring) does better.

I guess.

Whatever.

Lots of emotions this week. Let's get to it:

LA w/Kendall (wrapped leg welcome hug)

We head to a taxidermy shed, where the dead animals stare into your soul. Here we learn that Kendall's love of taxidermy grew from bringing things home when she went on a hike. So, much like a cat, she would bring home a dead animal and maybe lay it on the doorstep of her house?

Kendall's family was a little interesting, especially their decorating themes for the house. Buddhas everywhere. Other than the large amounts of clutter in the house, kind of a bland date.

Weiner!, AR w/Tia (lifting hug with NO leg wrap)

Dirt track racing coupled with beers while sitting on the back of a pick-up truck. Sold! No need to go on anymore dates.

Tia's family was by far the most fun to watch interact with Arie. They're eating (and toasting!) pigs-in-a-blanket while Tia's brother (who could have been a stunt double in Over the Top) is measuring Arie up big time. He "hasn't always been there for Tia" (probably for doing a nickel for manslaughter) but he's worried about Arie's playboy reputation.

Also, everyone keeps on mentioning how awful Tia's former boyfriends were. This comes one season after Raven, also from Arkansas, threw her boyfriend under the bus big time for not being able to rev her engines, as it were. Are there no good men in all of Arkansas?

Minneapolis w/Becca K (wrapped leg hug for an extended time)

Apple Orchard - not as weird as he taxidermy shed and not as fun as the dirt race track.

Arie wearing a fur hood is a little bit much. You're trying to prove your manliness to these people. Be better.

Now the prevailing stereotype of Minnesotans is that they are overwhelming nice and welcoming. Becca's fam took that stereotype and threw it right out the window. There were a lot of judgey people in that house. Fortunately, Arie seemed to be able to win over Uncle Rick (even got a little teary-eyed talking about Becca's late father) and even Becca's mom.

Btw, Becca definitely smelled Arie's cologne on her jacket as he was leaving in the SUV. She's in love.

Va Beach w/Lauren B (wrapped leg hug)

Horses on a beach? Not a fan. Don't want the clean-up. Now, crab legs at a beachfront bar? Count me in!

Arie was definitely feeling nervous during the visit. He really shouldn't have been. I'd marry Lauren just for the gorgeous crown molding and chair rail her parents had in their house. God, that was so hot.

Once again, Arie was able to win over the parents. Although, Lauren's mom is very skeptical. Like Jerry Orbach in "Dirty Dancing" skeptical.

Rose Ceremony

Everyone loves Arie!

Arie loves everyone!

This is not ideal.

I feel like he was hoping Kendall would give him an easy out from making a tough decision and that's why he wanted to talk to her. That doesn't bode well for sound decision making next week, but we'll see.

Tia is awesome and may need to move out of Arkansas in order to find good men to date.

🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨IT'S THE WEEK BEFORE HOMETOWN DATES!!🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨

1v1 w/Becca K

Tuscany is lovely and is way more interesting and intriguing than Arie.

Becca and Arie have a lovely day date roaming around a little town with picnic basket in tow. The day portion gives us another floral print dress and the evening portion gives us the joy of another cardigan. Big steps are taken in their relationship over the course of the day, with Arie saying "I'm falling for you" as the biggest of those steps.

Becca gets a rose for many reasons, not the least being handling high heels on cobblestone streets. Overcoming that high degree of difficulty gets you a hometown date.

Meanwhile back at the hotel...

Jacqueline, future doctorate seeker and Tresemme' commercial participant, is having some doubts. With hometown dates (🚨🚨🚨) next week, she's struggling making the leap from being seriously interested into Arie to getting married to him. This is a totally normal feeling to have, especially when you're comparing Arie to all that Tuscany has to offer.

She goes up for a late night talking sesh that basically boils down to "Let me kiss you some more to see if that jump starts love". Sadly, it doesn't work out.

I really like her and def think going for her doctorate is a better idea than staying with Arie. Her final line of "I kinda suck at being happy" makes me agree with and feel sorry for her all at the same time.

1v1 w/Lauren B

Ok, I did not see a happy ending between these two. There were a lot of dangers in this date, including:

playing soccer with Italian street youths who probably stole something from them during the game

Lauren says "I have trouble connecting my emotions with what I say to you." Which...

She then segues to saying she's falling in love with Arie. He responds with silence and then saying he'll be right back. Ummmm...

Had Arie not come back, opened up and said, "I'm falling deeply in love with you", I'm pretty sure Lauren B was never talking ever again. Big props to Arie here for actually showing some human feeling here. Him talking about Lauren B after their date was the first time I liked him all season.

1v1 w/Seinne

Truffles!

We're going hunting for truffles in the woods of Tuscany. This is fun. Lots of walking is required, because HOLY HELL did they carbo-load when they got to the guide's home. Pasta (which Arie is surprised to find out is made of eggs and flour) and pizza is for lunch, coupled with in depth conversations with locals. It's a very poor version of "No Reservations" with Anthony Bourdain.

At their dinner together later on that night, we've got bad omens everywhere:

Bells toll in the background as she's talking about her feelings

She gets cold, probably because there's no love anywhere to be found, and puts a jacket on

Anthony Bourdain still hasn't shown up

All of this leads to Arie awkwardly holding the rose RIGHT IN FRONT of Seinne as he tells her that he can't give it to her. Seinne kinda understands and we have a very amicable good bye.

Group Date w/Kendall, Bekah M & Tia

With hometown dates coming next week (🚨🚨🚨🚨), Tia is taking this very seriously and annoyed that Bekah is not old enough to take this seriously. Could it be Bekah's reactions to anyone getting sent home? Not sure, but whatever it is it leads to Tia snitching to Arie about her thoughts about Bekah's not being ready for hometowns (which are next week, in case you forgot). Tia also tells Bekah what she told to Arie about Bekah being too young an immature. This should have blown up in Tia's face big time:

Snitching to the Bachelor/ette almost always leads to the snitcher getting tossed

Telling Bekah, while honorable, OF COURSE hurts her feelings. Which leads her to crying and running right into Arie's arms.

Tia has now made their potential love taboo. It's forbidden. Which makes it all the more hotter.

Tia walking away with a rose after her decision-making is one of the biggest upsets in sports history.

Kendall also gets a rose, which means a hometown date with various stuffed animals!!!!!

We'll always have Paris and Seinne is on the Seine! Let's do this...

1v1 w/Lauren B

(not on a gondola, but a Venetian water taxi)

The first of the four dates this weeks starts off on a quiet note. Lauren B isn't really that much of a talker and is kinda taken aback by how crowded it is. Lauren B and I would get along splendidly. She finally starts talking at dinner and mentions that her normal plan is to put potential dates in the friend zone for 6 months before going further. 6 mos! In this day and age?! Even Roger Williams thinks you can loosen up.We then get competing "who has the most guarded heart?" stories with Arie telling a very personal story about a girlfriend having a miscarriage (like maybe network tv is NOT the place for that) and Lauren talking about breaking off an engagement. 

Bottom line: Lauren should not be on this show if she wants to take it that slow (even if she states her reason was to meet someone she would never have in a regular setting), but she gets to stay as she gets the rose.

Group Date at the Moulin Rouge

Arie definitely has a fetish for girls in costume/dressing up. It's weird. There was not a lot of room for the ladies to hide (literally and figuratively) for this episode. I betcha Arie saves some of those costumes for the fantasy suite dates.The shot of the ladies sitting in the balcony staring daggers at Bekah M was another example of quality Bacheloring

Krystal vs Kendall (Memo Paris vs Iris Gaines)

We've reached cartoon villain status with Krystal. Even her hugs anger me. The girls have to go through a topiary maze to find Arie, which means that he is The Goblet of Fire. 

Krystal is able to play some mind games with Arie and somehow convince him that she has a moral compass. Which is totally absurd at this point. If this were a scripted tv show, and not a real life look at love, the director would be telling her to dial down the crazy a little and stop over-acting. Kendall ends up winning by being a normal person. I'd really like to know what Arie told her when he talked to her alone at dinner. 

Congrats to Kendall! You get to spend more time with someone who thought keeping Krystal around for this long was a good idea.

1v1 w/Jacqueline

The car breaks down 10 seconds after he drives off with Jacqueline. It's a metaphor! Or is it?!...I don't know. Jacqueline seems really fun to be with, fairly smart as well and clearly knows how to toss her hair.

She gets to strut her stuff as Arie has another girl put on another different dress and at this point I'm not even surprised. I mean, this is an expensive habit to have, but there are worse habits.

Jacqueline gets the rose after going through a roller coaster of emotions during the private confessionals, but I don't see the same connection here as with some of the other ladies.

Rose Ceremony

Chelsea and Jenna don't get roses. Not surprising because of a total lack of screen time this week. What is surprising is Lauren B getting the Bachelor Syndrome hard. She has forgone the customary 6 month friend zone portion of her dating ritual and now is feeling real jealousy when other girls have time with Arie. This is totally a product of being cooped up in Bachelor world.

Spare Thoughts

Chris Harrison had another tough week. Talk to Arie on the bench. Say hi to the ladies. Take a week's vacation in Paris. Tell Chelsea and Jenna to say their goodbyes. Rough week.

Sartorial Thoughts

More floral patterns!

Krystal went low with the high-waisted pants. Meanwhile, Kendall really did her best Glenn Close impression from The Natural. All that was missing was an interesting male lead.

Arie wears a denim button down to a chateau in the French countryside. Mind as well just walk around with a baguette sticking out of your pants and be a complete jackass.

It's the Krystal Show! In Fort Lauderdale! Let's do this...

1v1 w/Chelsea

    We're taking a 3 hour tour on a drug kingpin's (it's Florida) yacht. Chelsea is just happy spending some alone time with Arie. "I'm on a dreamboat with a dreamboat." LAME! Let's do the Titanic pose. SUPER LAME!

For dinner, we're going to a place with lots of classic cars that Arie hasn't had a chance to crash yet. The conversation leads to wanting to know more about Chelsea. Arie feels she's mysterious because she's so quiet. The producers should have just found the hottest mime in America and then I guess Arie would propose on the spot.

We find out more about Chelsea, including her marrying at 20 to someone much older and with money. They split up, 6 mos after the birth of her son, because he's been cheating on her and...damnit, Chelsea! That sucks. I now have immense amounts of sympathy for you even though you mention being a mom way too much.

Chelsea gets the rose, deservedly so, because Arie is not made of stone.

Group Date at the Bowling Alley

    Arie, you sir are NO Jesus. That was blasphemous.

Alright, let's get to the competition: Two teams of five ladies. Loser gets no time with Arie later that night. Mind you, none of these girls have seen Arie for a few days and their sole purpose in life right now is to get the attention to some guy that says "that's awesome" a disturbing amount. The stakes are high.

Krystal may be drunk (bowling alley beer gets you every time) and Jacqueline is rolling the ball as slowly down the middle as possible. Meanwhile, Bekah's underdeveloped arms can barely lift the bowling ball and her team loses. So, those 5 ladies will have to go home without that sweet Arie time.

Arie, finally realizing the ramifications of what that means, decides that everyone still gets to be with him for cocktails later that night. Krystal, who was celebrating like she just won the Super Bowl, does not take the news well. She trashes Arie on the ride home and refuses to go down to the hotel lobby and hang with the rest of the group.

Ok...here we go. Krystal gets no points for being a sympathetic character here. Even with all of the girls, led by Jenna snitching to Arie about her actions, Krystal still comes off as the more negative influence. She's only happy when the focus is on her. This makes life miserable for the ladies (while the producers are busy doing this behind the scenes). Now two objectively funny things happen here:

Arie pretty much grounds Krystal and tells her not to leave her room (which she does anyway, because...Krystal)

Chelsea and Tia are just drinking red wine together soaking all of it in.

Arie should get rid of Krystal, but he equates silence with mysteriousness with being a potential soulmate. So his critical thinking skills are not encouraging here.

Both Lauren B and Becca are able to overcome annoyance with Krystal to make good progress with Arie. However, Lauren B shaves her legs and Becca didn't, so Arie gives the rose to Lauren B.

1v1 w/Tia in the Everglades

Airboat!

Gators!

Weird old guy that has a house in the middle of the Everglades? Sure.

The roof deck that Arie and Tia were on looked really cool. Potentially having a gator open up your front door...not so much.

Meanwhile, we learn a lot on this date:

Frogging - hunting frogs with a long fork!

Tia is falling in love with Arie!

Tia is a (physical therapy) doctor!

So it seems that Arie has gigged Tia's heart.

Rose Ceremony

Foolish people. Krystal did not stay in her room the other night. She was "investing in herself." She also mentions to Arie that the whole date was emotional for her because she "grew up in a bowling alley." I call clear shenanigans on that statement. For that statement alone, she should get tossed. There's no way that's true.

Of course, he keeps Krystal. Because he's an idiot. Whatever. I'm here for the frog gigging.

Spare Thoughts

Maquel is back. Maquel is gone.

There was a lot of praying/religious talk in this episode. Wasn't expecting that.

Things I learned about Kendall tonight:

Favors the “use ‘em & lose ‘em” dating style

Will try cannibalism on a whim

Sartorial Thoughts

Beka doesn't spend any money on bras so she can buy as many leather skirts/pants as possible.

Lots of floral prints on cocktail dresses this year. I don't remember this being a trend from past years.

Arie and Chris Harrison standing next to each other in blue jackets was quite funny.

Content request: get rid of Krystal and give more time to round-robin questions from the bowling league ladies. Totally the best part of the episode.

Hello all,

    Sorry for the delay on the recap. School was busy today. Lame.

Anyways, we're off to Lake Tahoe, where there's wood paneling, taxidermy and Arie driving up in a red bronco without the top. I (and Kendall) am swooning. Let's head off to the dates...

1v1 w/Seinne

We're taking Seinne on a fishing boat on Lake Tahoe? Last time I saw a boat on Lake Tahoe, this happened. I'm a little worried for Seinne, but fortunately for her it's only parasailing. After this adventurous outing, Seinne mentions to Arie that she "needs to let go and go where the wind takes her". Just like parasailing! Oh the metaphor!

She also is worried that her heart is "too guarded." Every person in the history of this show has used the metaphor of a "guarded heart." This is getting boring. You can't parasail through life with a guarded heart, Sienne.

For dinner, we're off to Hard Rock Cafe. Was Planet Hollywood not available?

After a deep (for Bachelor purposes) conversation, Sienne and Arie come across the truth that "love is hard." And maybe that's why she has a guarded heart and is struggling to let go and let love take the wheel of her love journey. This may have been the 1st stanza from the song the band played after dinner.

Group Date w/Hiking

It seems every season the producers subject the ladies to something gross. Last season, ladies vying for Nick had to shovel cow manure. This year they get to pee in canteens and eat worms. True Love!

Arie pretends to drink his own pee (it's only apple juice) and then dares the ladies to do the same. Jacqueline is going to do it, until Arie stops her. Holy hell, Jacqueline! Kendall, also mentions she would be game to do the same. Ewwwwwwwww! Kendall proceeds to eat worms with Arie and then kiss him, with no tequila involved. This is awful.

At drinks later, we've got our first Cardigan Alert of the night! The more Kendall speaks to Arie about taxidermy and how awesome the date was, the angrier my wife gets. For those keeping score at home, things that piss off my wife the most:

Tom Brady

Kendall and Arie talking about taxidermy

Outdoor temperature not in the 65-75 degree range

      58. Child hunger

Back at the lodge, Tia is drunk and Krystal is playing emotional mind games with Arie. Obviously, manipulating Arie is not that hard to do, but Krystal is trying to drive a wedge between him and the others.

After her convo with Arie, Tia and Caroline correctly sleuth out that Krystal is talking bad about them (not snitching, btw, because Arie was present for Caroline and Tia's joke in the hot spring). Tia is able to rebound and get some tongue-time with Arie and ultimately the group date rose.

1v1 Date w/Bekah M

Ok, a 14 year age difference is a big deal. I get that. But so is a 13 year age difference. Maquel is 23, already divorced once, yet we only talk about how young Bekah is. Now, that may have something to do with her easily being able to be an undercover cop in a middle school drug sting, but it's not fair to come down on Bekah for the age gap and not Maquel.

Bekah and Arie go horseback riding. No mucking stables or shoeing a horse, so Bekah gets off pretty easy on this one. Their equine trek takes them to a hot tub. Once inside, Bekah remarks how much chemistry the two of them have. I guess. Sure. But, to be fair, it's impossible to not have chemistry with another person in a hot tub. Throw me in there with anyone, say Tonya Harding for example, and there'd be chemistry all over the place.

NO, I haven't thought about that. Now, Katrina Witt...that's another story.

Ahem. Where was I? Oh yeah, it's time for some dinner at another beautiful Hard Rock Cafe lodge. We've got our 2nd Cardigan Alert of the night! There are some interesting things that did happen during the dinner:

Arie finds out that Bekah is 22. Kinda struggles to wrap his grey-haired head around it.

Bekah says she's casually dated guys in their 30s. WHEN?! In high school? Was it your teacher?

Bekah mentions that she "can see the wheels turning in your head" to Arie. Which is not hard to see at all. Like, it's not like reading Tolstoy. He's pretty easy to digest.

This all leads to Bekah getting a rose and more age gap discussion next week.

Rose Ceremony

It's Krystal vs Everyone Else.

No cocktail reception necessary as Arie is ready to make his decision. Oh the drama!

Krystal's doesn't think that there's enough drama and asks to speak with Arie as he's pensively smelling the first rose before giving it away. Tia may have given herself whiplash as she whipped her head around as soon as Krystal asked to talk with Arie. Some more emotional manipulation later, and they're both back.

Btw, loved the ladies immediately sitting down once Arie and Krystal left. I'm only standing in these heels for Arie, not Krystal's bullshit.

Krystal stays (boo). Caroline leaves (BOOO), as does Brittany who got about 3 seconds of air time total the past two weeks.

Stray Thoughts

The survival guide teaches the girls how to find worms and tell them to pee in a canteen. He then declares them ready to go hiking in the wilderness. Ummmmm....sure.

Not sure I've seen a sole tattoo on the back of the upper arm before. Tia is the best.

Is Maquel gone for good? Like, could you give us a more clear explanation than what we got, Arie?

The wolf howl sound effect for every time Krystal went off alone with Arie was great.

More Krystal: "I come across as flawless." Ugh.

Chelsea's Krystal impression is not good. There might be a montage of the ladies doing her voice at the Women Tell All episode.

"Glam shaming"? C'mon, Mariq! The #metoo movement has no room for such triviality.

As I sit here, listening to the Cranberries contemplating love and loss, I am thinking of the Bachelor Syndrome I talked about (as have other recappers in many of the other seasons) last week. Annaliese mentions that she feels like a "manic, crazy and anxious person," which makes sense when your sole purpose in life is to fight 20 other women for the affections of one man. This is not normal. So while I could talk about other potential fears that Annaliese may have (e.g., she once got hit very hard in "duck, duck goose" as a child, so she has a fear of all water fowl; or she once got lost during an Easter Egg hunt at church and couldn't find her parents, so now she's Jewish), I would instead like to congratulate her on confronting Arie before the rose ceremony after a brutally awkward pre-rose ceremony performance. That takes guts in a normal setting, and an impressive amount of courage when firmly ensconced in The Bachelor Bubble. Farewell, Annaliese. May you find love in a setting free of insidious bumper cars and savage, cute, furry dogs.

Group Date #1 - "No Need to Argue"

We're gonna get some girl on girl wrestling. Perfect for an mainly female audience. I'm glad Bekah M's mom was able to sign the permission form for her to go on the field trip.

Arie shows up to wrestling practice in a shirt, tie and jacket. His sartorial decisions are abominable.

Meanwhile, the girls show up in yoga pants and later wear costumes.  #theme

Bibiana and Tia are not enjoying the tough instruction methods from the GLOW veterans. Do I blame them? No. 

Would those women probably make me cry? I'm typing up a Bachelor recap while listening to The Cranberries. So...yeah.

Kenny made an all too brief appearance. I wish he could have had a chance to talk to Chelsea about parenting. Did you know that she's a mom? She barely mentions it.

Marquel does fantastic as the Lunch Lady. Lauren B and Marikh went a totally different way with their match. The horrified look of the one grandmom was priceless. She came here looking for some wholesome girl on girl wrestling action, not some lewd girl on girl non-wrestling action.

After the festivities, Bekah M gets the rose. It's obvious as to why. So many girls her age would have bedazzled their denim jacket, but she showed maturity beyond her years and didn't. Arie recognizes this and correctly gives her a rose.

1v1 w/Lauren S. - "Still Can't"

The card reads "You had me at merlot." Lauren S surmises, "I think it has to do with wine." Sigh.

Arie doesn't know much about her, like whether or not she gets wine puns, so he wants to use this date to find out what makes Lauren S tick. Fortunately for Lauren S, this quiet stroll through wine country is a "Lauren S Date." I had to pause the DVR for that one. What the hell does that mean? Also, why are you referring to yourself as "Lauren S"? I was starting to get in the weeds on this one (a la David S Pumpkins), but I righted the ship and continued.

Guess who was unable to right the ship?...

Holy hell, Lauren S talked herself right off the show. First, she said that Arie was a wine connoisseur. Which, FFS Lauren! He's grabbing that glass like a savage. He probably drinks white zin, with ice in it, while wearing his cardigan, while watching the Hallmark Channel and shuffling off to bed at 7pm. The conversation gets even more scattered and awkward and ends up with her going home.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, a staff member takes away Lauren S' suitcase. This causes more emotion that I thought was required (Bachelor Syndrome effects) and a lot of girls take it hard. The world lost a good Lauren out there today.

Group Date #2 - "Ridiculous Thoughts"

BEST IN SHOW! Dear reader, I love "Best in Show". Fred Willard was criminally underused in this episode. He should have been providing color commentary on every aspect of this episode.

More yoga pants and costumes. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm....

Ashley was having trouble with the dogs and then DID THE UNTHINKABLE AND BLAMED THE DOGS! She should have been tossed off the show right then.

After the dog show, all the ladies and Arie head to a renovated bank for some drinks. Jenna starts off strong doing the Captain Morgan pose on the arm of the couch with a high-slit dress. Well done.

Chelsea, wearing your prototypical mom-dress, talks to Arie about being a mom. She also adores the person she is today. Which is a mom. It works (i'm as shocked as you), as Arie gives her the rose.  

Rose Ceremony - "I Can't Be With You"

Let's give it up for the producers tonight:

Chris Harrison opens up the week by telling the girls that "time is precious." Stirring the pot and making the ladies think even more about trying to get time with Arie.

Annaliese's dog flashback memory was beautiful.

They then have Bibiana create an elaborate outdoor setting for some alone time with Arie and then funnel every other lady over there with Arie. I'm just picturing bouncers standing at every door telling Arie he can't go in there now, just herding him to Bibiana's couch. Advanced Bacheloring.

Bibiana takes her plan imploding spectacularly better than I thought she would. Maybe she's not cut out for Real Housewives of NJ. That should have led to a DEFCON Level 1 shitstorm. Ultimately, she's the only one who doesn't get a rose at the ceremony and we're left with 15 ladies.

Stray Thoughts - "Everything I Said"

Kyrstal's favorite cheer. Favorite movie. Favorite joke.

This episode needed more Fred Willard and more moonshine.

The camera guy for Bekah M's couch date with Arie may have worked for Brazzers. Easy with those camera angles, guy. This is a family show...sorta.

The lighting in the confessional at the rose ceremony made Lauren B look like a tangelo.

Oh, btw, Arie may be a serial killer:

He creepily stares at the ladies as they walk away. (Pretty much everyone in the opening episode)

So far, all of his group dates have started with the girls in yoga pants and then in some form of costume.

He had Becca K try on a lot of dresses for him as he watched her twirl around.

No normal person smells a rose like he did before saying adios to Lauren S.

He says he’s friends with someone who collects doll parts. We haven’t seen this “friend”, so I assume it’s Arie.