CHANGE IS THE ONLY CONSTANT

http://cnn.it/1twOcmv

why are you so sad? i'm not. why are you so sad? i'm not. why are you so sad? i'm not.

One of those nights where you just want to buy a plane ticket and move to a new city because of the lost of faith in the people who surround you. When family are really the only people you can trust to be there for you and everyone else is just watching and waiting for you to slip and fall.

Dearest deary tumblr, i really enjoy being optimistic but it's really been a horrible week. Literally almost fainted at school during a break for my class in front of Blenz which was all of feeling sick and embarrassed all in one. Wanted to get some tea but instead the barista got me security which brought me to the first aid room. Couldn't see a thing in front of me. It was really horrible. But the barista who helped me and the security guards who helped me were all really nice. Went around the next day and delivered them thank you chocolate bars :). That felt good. But ya, i guess even in the worse of situations, something good or interesting happens. So I couldn't go back up the three flight of stairs back to my class because I couldn't walk. One of the guards went up and grabbed my things and another one kept me company even though I was just laying on the bed dying a little. He was really nice when I did talk to him though, his name was Buddy, isn't that cute? Anyways, he's a full time security guard but in his own time he's an author. He's reading a book by Steven King on how to write and he himself has been writing a novel for the past 8 years. He says that he's going to publish it under a fake name though because he doesn't want to be famous himself, but rather have his work be famous. How rare and how genuinely beautiful. It's kinda crazy how we can walk by so many people and see them every day yet know nothing about them. Life's little stories make life itself worthwhile. But ya, so as I laid there waiting for the advil to kick in to ease my pain, he was just sitting there reading. For an entire hour. I know it's his job to keep me company in case the situation got worse and I needed more help or smth so legally I think he has to be there, but I was just really appreciative of him and his presence even though I was such poor company. Anyways, so that day was bad because a) almost fainted b) missed the last third of my lecture c) had to apologize to my prof the next day (it's a pretty important lecture) even though he was more understanding than I anticipated and d) felt bad for my team members because I felt like I was being irresponsible and bailing. But the week didn't get too much better. So I have a lot of due dates coming up and scheduled my weekend perfectly to complete everything on time. But during my group meeting with my case cohort team, 90% into finishing the powerpoint, my laptop freezes. Like always, I restart it. Yet not so much like always, it doesn't get anywhere past the apple logo... and then this block sign replaces the apple logo. Ended up having to cancel my plans that night to go to the apple store. Turns out my hard drive is dead. All the hours of work I've put into doing the wireframes for work the past 3 days and powerpoint presentations will definitely not make it for monday's deadline. Currently remaking the entire powerpoint and ended up having to e-mail my boss to let him know that the wireframes won't be done on time. Which is a real bummer because the developers need to work on the app and deadlines are so crucial. I absolutely hate feeling irresponsible and everything bad that's happened this week made me feel all the more irresponsible. I hate letting people down. hate hate hate letting people down. Anyways, another poopyish thing happened but I won't talk about it here. poopy week. let's write it out and leave it behind. poopy poops mcpoops.

Such poetic lyrics. On the corner of main street Just tryin' to keep it in line You say you wanna move on and You say I'm falling behind Can you read my mind? Can you read my mind? I never really gave up on Breakin' out of this two-star town I got the green light I got a little fight I'm gonna turn this thing around Can you read my mind? Can you read my mind? The good old days, the honest man; The restless heart, the Promised Land A subtle kiss that no one sees; A broken wrist and a big trapeze Oh well I don't mind, if you don't mind 'Cause I don't shine if you don't shine Before you go, can you read my mind? It’s funny how you just break down Waitin' on some sign I pull up to the front of your driveway With magic soakin' my spine Can you read my mind? Can you read my mind? The teenage queen, the loaded gun; The drop dead dream, the Chosen One A southern drawl, a world unseen; A city wall and a trampoline Oh well I don't mind, if you don't mind 'Cause I don't shine if you don't shine Before you jump Tell me what you find when you read my mind Slippin’ in my faith until I fall You never returned that call Woman, open the door, don't let it sting I wanna breathe that fire again She said I don't mind, if you don't mind 'Cause I don't shine if you don't shine Put your back on me Put your back on me Put your back on me The stars are blazing like rebel diamonds cut out of the sun When you read my mind

I don't remember the last time that I cried. I get sad a lot, but I really put effort into holding myself together and not crying. It's sad because there's truth in that quote that floats around the Internet 'we accept the love we think we deserve' and just with everything that has happened growing up, my inability to love refrains me from being close with other people and thus resulting in my inability to receive love. I cannot take what i cannot give. It really is a sad, sad cycle, being this distant from the world.

People who ruin the definition of thankful. Stop throwing it around if you don't mean it.

mild.