my brother, my brother, and me / starter sentences. (pt. II)
feel free to change pronouns as needed! / pt. i
‘ scholars can’t prove that jesus was not from boston. ‘
‘ but no – he was actually in a feminist punk band. ‘
‘ you know what? that’s a new, good, adult rule: don’t go to parties unless they have fucking guest towels. ‘
‘ my age is actually defined by the fact that if i did that, i would die. ‘
‘ i actually would say, in this circumstance, poop in your hand plus me not being you equals very, very funny. ‘
‘ sexy garfield is compromised. i repeat, sexy garfield is compromised. ‘
‘ it’s like alec baldwin said in that movie: a - always, b - be, d - dipping. dip, i’m out. ‘
‘ now, i did learn a lot while i was in that bear pussy… ‘
‘ chunk pump makes me think of like, the old-timey way that pioneers used to get cream corn up out of the ground. ‘
‘ drop to one knee, kiss her hand. make sure you’re wearing a fedora and make sure you’re within eyesight of me so i can come kick the shit out of you. ‘
‘ people used to say that man couldn’t fly, and that earth was flat. and look what columbus did? he flew. ‘
‘ there’s a wild variance in quality of garlic bread. you really don’t know what you’re gonna get. ‘
‘ fast-food restaurants are, by definition, a gun that shoots burgers at you. ‘
‘ i’ve got in my cubicle a harry houdini bobble-head, a superman bust, and… a donkey figurine, from shrek, that talks. ‘
’ can you cook and eat the beans from a beanbag chair? ’
’ we’re gonna share this together, baby. you, me, and the lice. ’
’ nothing that you do on the internet matters, especially not on facebook. ’
’ have you ever tried to carry a dead kid? ’
’ here’s some other shit that has no significance. ’
’ here’s a quick lesson in urban legend. urban legend - kid was sticking his head out a window, a car was passing with, like, a dog sticking their head out of the window, the kid knocked the dog’s head off. that’s an urban legend. ’
’ it’s about to get stranger and stranger, just buckle up. ’
’ ghosts have to hang out where they die. like, forever. ’
’ that is the worst urban legend i have ever heard. ’
’ i do believe that everybody who asks a yahoo answer question is beyond help, um, from anybody. ’
’ i know that when i’m trying to stop impressing women, the first thing i do is talk about dungeons and dragons. ’
’ have you guys ever tried to drink warm milk? it’s foul. ’
’ my body knows that when i’m asleep, i’m basically dead for like 8 hours. and that’s not only terrifying but wasteful. there’s a lot of things i could be doing with my dead time. ’
’ abba? not so good about returning our phone calls. ’
’ can you find my scorpion’s genitals for me? ’
’ i just wanna be a dune buggy. they’re awesome. ’
’ i’d be a hearse that used to be a hearse but then somebody turned it into a pizza wagon. ’
’ we just broke through the crust into the creepy, creepy mantle of this question. ’
’ like, when i’m in the shower hangin’ brain, i can barely observe my own thing without getting a little sick. ’
’ there’s a lot of christmas-themed names for your testicles, now that i think about it. ’
’ you gotta flip it on him. make him think that you’re gonna step on his balls, and then maybe like, step on his butthole. ’
’ if i was a homosexual i would totally want a granddad boyfriend. ’
’ you know how human beings only use 20% of their dicks? ’
’ bradley cooper uses 100% of his 5 dicks. ’
’ here’s a fun idea, do some drinking. ’
’ i’m not so sure you know what gay means. ’
’ as angry as i was about this guy, there is a much more unpleasant gentleman whose fetish is a little boy stuck in a chocolate tube. ’
’ to ride a horse is to borrow the entire billy joel discography. ’
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