Contrary to what she had been expecting, he remained silent. Taking in all she said, and he wasnât angry. Nor was he upset, happy, or frustrated. He couldnât deny anything. Instruction, orders, thatâs all he really understood. A bird who lived caged their entire life becomes accustomed to the cage. Open the cage and the bird will hesitate at freedom. This was what this was. In all, he was more confused than anything.
But there was a reason. A reason that he hid in the depths of his heart.
Having instruction was easy. She was correct. If she gave him the instructions he would have followed them without hesitation. There was no thinking involved, there was no reason to think. Already knowing the end result when completing orders, but she didnât give him an order. He knew the end result, but getting there? He was lost. It bothered him to no end. There was nothing to latch onto, nothing new. All he could latch onto was the past.Â
Lashing out was what made him feel like he was in control. That he really did have something tangible. Figure them out? But how do you figure it out? He never really did figure anything out. On his own that was. He sought the help of others to find something. Anything. An order. Seth, who clung onto because they gave him something. Meaning is what they gave him. It didnât matter what they had done was wrong, because he was all that mattered to Seth.Â
A new name, a new purpose, a new self... Seth gave him it all. He didnât have to question. As long as he had a mission everything would be fine. When did it all begin? When he started to doubt when he actually started to be aware of what he had been doing? Thatâs right. When they closed me off. The lack of communication, the lack of orders is what caused him to change. He was lost. And then the same man who gave him meaning stripped him of whatever he had left.
Wandering all those years without any orders, he forgot what it was like to feel human. Eating out of trashcans, getting sick, getting hurt, fighting over territory, and sleeping in the most horrid places was his life. There was nothing that gave him meaning. He couldnât remember who he was or what he had done. Seth destroyed the past. It was only when he saw them around he remembered, but he ran. They shouldnât see him. Not like this. The only thing that kept him sane was the order of nature. The will to survive. The merciless orders to survive. He didn't know why he continued.
But there was a reason. A reason he hid in the depths of his heart.
Pain. Thatâs the only thing that remained constant. Throughout his life, he endured it. Endured it all. The stares, the words, the disapproval, the exclusion, anything, and everything. If I donât have pain, then what do I have? A life without prolonged suffering? That was more terrifying than anything. Maybe he could have been saved, had he only told them. Why didnât I tell them? He couldnât understand.
There was no option to say I donât know, even if it was the so-called truth. Mist wasnât having that anymore. He wanted to escape from it all. Repeat all the stupid mistakes he made in his life, endure the suffering of it all. It would be his constant, but he didnât want to abandon something. Someone rather. Part of him wanted to leave them too, but another part of him cried out to be with them. I donât understand.
But there was a reason. A reason he hid in the depths of his heart.
âIt wasnât meaningless!â The words had escaped with any warning, but then he found himself with another issue. He couldnât add on. Was there any meaning? I canât think of anything, but there has to be a reason. For yelling like that... Is this actually meaningless? Nothing more could be said, and as a result, he didnât continue with his outburst. There was no point. There is no meaning.
But... He refused to believe that. There had to be something. He could only recall the past and use that as a reference, as much as Mist hated it. Thatâs all he had to keep him grounded. To remember he had a meaning. Before he knew it he was crying himself, but he was confused. Why am I crying? Touching his cheek in confusion he looked at her. A plea for help, but she wouldnât give it to him. He couldnât let it go what she said to him.
ââŚĘá´á´ á´á´ĘĘ á´á´ á´ĄĘá´á´ á´á´á´á´á´Ęęą á´á´ Ęá´á´ ÉŞÉ´ á´ĘÉŞęą á´á´É´á´ á´Ęęąá´á´ÉŞá´É´, á´˘á´á´ ÉŞá´Ę Ęá´ĘĘĘá´á´á´.â
But there was a reason. A reason he hid in the depths of his heart. He couldnât hold it in much longer. The person he never wanted anyone to see. The disgusting thing he refused to acknowledge. He couldnât face her anymore, all he could do was stare at his lap. âStop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it! Stop it!â You know what it is, Donât you? Youâve always known. The one thing youâve always wanted.
âNo, no, no, no!â Who were the very first people you wanted it from? The people you hate more than anything? âNo! No more! Mom look!â That isnât right, youâll have to try again sweetie. Next time youâll get it. Youâve messed up again, keep trying. ANOTHER ONE ZAVIER? THIS ONE ISNâT EVEN CLOSE! âI did my best. I did my best, but... No! No! No! No more.â If you want to run this inn, youâre going to have to try a lot harder. You havenât been studying lately. Your sister is doing her absolute best, what about you? Zavier, I know things are hard without your dad, but... You have to try a lot harder than this. For our family.
The tears couldnât stop falling, and he didnât care. He was wailing his heart out. All the things that bothered him to no end. He forgot Mist was even here to begin with, as his body trembled. âMom, listen to me!â He really is different from his father. âMom, listen to me please!â Nothing like his father. âMom, why wonât you listen to me?â Such a shame... That they arenât good at anything. âWhy wonât anyone listen to me?â
All he ever wanted was to be accepted and heard. Not as Lady Annâs son. Not as Toriâs brother. Not as the good for nothing child. He hid behind numerous mask, shoving away the pain. Thatâs why no one would question him. Not Mist, not Raguna, not his mom, not his sister, no one. He was invincible.
To Mist he was the end of every joke. It actually hurt. Whenever she did that. He would laugh it off and pretend it had no effect, but it lingered. Infecting him. Destroying whatever self-worth he had remaining. Chipping away at his confidence. Raguna, on the other hand, was everyoneâs favorite. He couldnât compare. Even if he tried his hardest, everyone looked down upon him. He wasnât given acceptance. Always trying to find something to be good at in order to be accepted. It never worked.
In reality, he was just a boy he wanted attention. Thatâs why he ran. People would finally acknowledge that he existed. He did live here and he did have friends. His mother owned an inn, he had a sister, he had two friends, he used to run off to the caves, and he was the boy who ran away on his eighteenth birthday. It didnât matter if they spoke badly about him. Despised him. In a twisted way, he finally got what he wanted.
