junk

these last few years i've felt more and more inspired to be more gentle with myself and others around me, without sparing my own boundaries. adopting this has led to a lot of beautiful buds blossoming in my life, i feel a little more in tune with love. not necessarily romantic, i don't care for that very much right now, but i was inspired by a passing crush of mine to appreciate the fact that i am capable of that a lot more than i used to. (i'll talk more about them some other time, surely) it has also ended up in some painful pruning, having to say goodbye to a few long-time figures in my life that i cannot keep around. they're free to reenter my life only when they have done enough work on themselves, otherwise, i wish them well. and will continue to save some love for them forever. remember them on their birthdays, whatever other romantic things i can say about letting people go, etc. it's bittersweet but in the end i want my life to feel less like i am just tolerating having the weight of everyone else's issues on my shoulders. i'm not perfect as i am right now, i never will be, i don't expect to ever be, because no one is. but i do want to take a better approach to my issues. be more positive.

therapy would be awesome. i'm looking forward to having the chance to work on that. "he cannot know he is made of sharp edges and pointed teeth. he is too cherished to know how to use them." here are a few songs i've really been digging lately. the itch to make music never leaves me but i don't have the time or skills!!!!! i'll make do with humming along instead.

this last one is a little bit of a curveball but all of these songs i found while trying to put a playlist together based on one of my favorite characters of all time. Bill from A Murder at the End of the World.. attaching a gif. i love his face :P

love this guy, seriously. loved him in the iron claw too. feeling like i'm doing some serious rural white girl cosplay listening to these songs, but it's all in the name of being obsessed with a guy i can't decide if i'd want to be with or just straight up be ? gender envy ? i feel 17 again, when i let myself fixate on shows and movies. used to have allll the time in the world to just look up gifsets or read post-canon fanfictions (because i never liked that self-insert stuff).

with another long ass post !!

documenting my stupidity immaturity:::::

she tweets: i love my bf!

he tweets: i love my gf!

she tweets: i miss my hubby i cant eat or sleep i cant breath i cant live like this

and hoooowwww do i see it? by logging into the acc i follow her on (to softblock everyone and keep the account as an archive since i had been using it for years)…

i !!! was confused? at first. then icked out… then hurt.

how do you shit on me for not even directly questioning your sexuality once because you loved to talk about dating men and dated and LOVED a man for 3 years, and say you’re a pure lesbian and i’m projecting by suggesting that you might have curiosity or the capacity to be attracted to men .. and then go date a man?

that part got me for a bit but her sexuality is really none of my business nor do i really care about it past the fact that she got super aggressive with me when i would question her comments. if she’s figuring out her sexuality then, good on her. i don’t believe in holding anyone to labels they’ve given themselves, it takes a long while before someone might settle (or decide not to settle) on whatever label(s) they feel comfortable with.

but it confirms that she’s with someone, it confirms that she likely lined him up soon after or before she dumped me which also stings because i think she’s shown me my worth to her so many times and it’s really not much. i think i was worth more than a few weeks of recovery? but it’s fine. i think she’s emotionally constipated and avoidant as fuck so i lowkey hope it all builds up and blows up in her face eventually (this is hateful, i’m rarely ever hateful…)

i decided to reach out before yesterday ended because it gave me an excuse to go and a: make it known that i know she’s a “lesbian” with a boyfriend and b: make it clear that i think it’s best i don’t have her on any of my social media accounts.. so i removed her on my defunct instagram… removed her from the server we used to share stuff and vc during games… took her out of groupchats with my friends.

her responses vv

“my tweets? do we still follow eo anywhere? but yeah, sure. please delete my personal info on there.”

“ooh i see”

“alright alright, thanks”

^^ putting these here.. for a few reasons

i think it’s important for me to reflect on how little energy she was giving me despite my long-winded over-explanations for my actions.. i wanted to make it clear i wasn’t removing her out of malice and stuff.. but really i don’t think i owed her the clarification.

i don’t think she thinks that deeply about things, and probably didn’t care much since they’re logical steps.

i wish i could’ve been more reserved during a lot of our conversations together but my overthinking makes it so hard not to assume she’d need the same reassurance as i might need in that situation.

i think for the first time she’s actually given me pretty mature responses. curt, dry, detached. probably in part because i’ve been pathetic as fuck in a lot of my messages to her, i’m sure she’s tired (i know she’s tired).

i would like to adopt her way of being firm in her decisions and knowing when to step away.

i could’ve honestly just quietly removed her from things, didn’t need to open up that can of worms or do that to myself or her.

i’ve now been dealing with the consequences of feeling a little hurt by her short responses, by removing her from things i wasn’t ready to remove her from.. by her moving on so quickly. her using the L word .. didn’t necessarily want her to while she was with me but she couldn’t say it even after a year, but with anyone else she’s said it within months? my self worth has taken a major hit. i think it’s half her and half me. two mentally ill people cannot function together for sure.

on the topic of mental illness, she subtweeted .. with “mental illness” .. friend saw and sent over a screenshot

yes, i’m mentally ill. i deal with chronic depression, anxiety disorder, a whole separate cocktail of other stuff, and ADHD… not to mention addiction (sober, btw).. and if we are being honest i am probably bordering on a personality disorder and all of that in combination with my anxious attachment style turn me into a monster when i’m with someone who can’t meet my needs or be consistent.

i recognize that and my needs, and what i need to work on.. i’ve known for a very long time but i still end up being attracted to manic types who are wishy washy and leave me questioning their intentions 24/7… this last girl was also a love bomber so that was not fun.

not excluding my own mistakes and toxic tendencies btw. i could lean into manipulative territory when i was upset, probably overloaded her with information in attempt to be transparent and it likely came off as being over critical and uncaring, because she could be petty i also allowed myself to be petty, too. we would get snappy at each other, she’d fuck up and i’d hold it against her for a while because she’d never genuinely apologize.. i’d fuck up and she’d never let it go, never communicate, only bring it up when it was too late for me to make up for it. it just wasn’t a good match.

but at the end of the day, once again, i can blame others as much as i want for things. i can hate her, i can ruminate on how little i must’ve meant to her in comparison to how much she meant and still means to me, i can torture myself with old screenshots or what ifs and would’ve should’ve could’ves but it doesn’t serve me.

^ easy to recognize that it doesn’t serve me but hard to not think or do these things anyway. i’m not good at combatting negative thoughts. i either don’t have them or they dominate all other thoughts. no in-between.

i think my anxiety and tendency to overthink are the biggest roadblocks i face.

kind of feeling like i am damaged goods. kind of feeling like i’d rather not date again so i don’t turn into an insecurity monster over someone that ain’t shit for the hundredth time.

life is tough as is. i have a lot on my plate, and sometimes i fear i’ll never feel peace. i don’t need a relationship to come and muddy everything up on top of all of the shit i go through on a regular basis.

buut as much as i don’t need it, that fear of loneliness sure does know how to creep in at just the right moments.

i’m talking about general loneliness. dying alone.. being distant from family… but also romantic loneliness, yea. everyone grows and branches out, my friends will find people they’ll go live in their own little bubble with, my cousins will do the same.. my parents are split and it wont be long before they both find people, too.. and here i am, their adult daughter who Should be more independent but i have honestly been so stunted by the amount of trauma we’ve all been through and it’s hard to feel my age, hard to cope with the fact that my life is my own. i don’t have the support structure of someone with parents that love them unconditionally or healthily.. it’s hard to grow when i spend so much time in their shadow trying to patch things up with them and help out without ever being nurtured in return.

in a lot of my relationships, i’m the one who lifts and supports others while i’m expected to get through things on my own. i fear it won’t ever change.

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also probably worth noting that i won’t consistently be adding trigger warnings or content warnings to my posts. not out of a lack of consideration for others, but because i’ll likely forget, and rarely talk about anything that is serious enough to tag. i might bring up terms or things here and there but in general, proceed with caution if you’re going to read anything in my #junkrant not junkrat tag.

the general assumption you should make about my posts tagged with #junkrant not junkrat are that:

u are reading a 21-year-old teenage girl’s (extremely icked out by myself for referring to myself this way but it is probably the most accurate description of how i sound in some of these) ANGSTY rants, and i might use language you’re not comfortable with. (duly note that this language does not include anything that is racist, homophobic, transphobic, ableist, or discriminatory in any way— unless i am referring to myself or people who are in my own sect of whatever intersectionality i’m a part of, and even then it is not malicious, serious, or a reflection of my genuine opinions or values). if you have a problem with anything i say, i’m willing to have a conversation about it, but please do not make assumptions based on what you think you know about me or my background based on surface level interactions you may have with me.

kind of adding on to the point above but, please also note that i am in therapy so i might talk about things i went over and sometimes this includes stuff that some people might not like to hear about! again, nothing explicit or graphic! i’m just a human with a long, wonky history of bad habits so if you don’t wanna read about any of it, look away!

a lot of this stuff is just me venting, and once i get it out i’m usually fine! but i’m putting it in a public space for a reason (being perceived helps a bit with accountability and also feeling heard). if you have anything to say, or guidance to give, i’d be more than happy to receive some nice words! it might take me a while to digest and reply to you but i promise i’ll say something if ever i feel that i don’t want feedback on a particular post, sum: if u send me a msg and i don’t respond, it’s likely because i’m busy, taking my time processing the message, or briefly forgot about tumblr, but i will get back to you!

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aaaand back with another post.

friend said (almost verbatim): “any pain you feel by paying attention to the things shes doing, that isn’t caused by a direct action of hers that is actually directed towards you, like contacting you, or indirecting you in an obvious way is self-inflicted, and you’re stupid for doing that to yourself. you can assume all you want, but don’t go searching for confirmation because there’s always a chance you’ll find some and you’ll be worse for wear. you know that, too.”

harsh! but also kind of !!!! reaffirmed something my other friend said to me too. the emotional self-h4ｒm is real? but it’s not even like that, i don’t think?

yes, i can admit that when i check on things, sometimes i’m not entirely sure why i do. sometimes it’s to calm the anxiety i feel, because i guess checking and potentially being wounded by something counts as a form of interaction with her. sometimes it’s because i get this inkling that she might have posted something that might confirm some worry i have— like her moving on, or being glad she let me go, etc. (<- spoiler alert by the way, a guy(?) is in the picture now which is so ouch!) sometimes i do check because i know i’ll likely see something that upsets me or bugs me in some way and even though i want to avoid all that hurt at all costs normally, in those moments i guess i convince myself that if i’m already feeling bad, i might as well make myself feel worse so that once i feel better.. i’ll feel a lot better (?) doesn’t make sense, does it?

yeah, now that i’ve typed it all out it definitely sounds… well!!! it sounds like emotional immaturity, and also emotional self-ouch. i’m sure there’s more to it but wow!!

i think i’ve been over this entire topic before but it’s just fresh on my mind because i did it again!

trying to remind myself that she’s shown me my worth to her twice now. the two times she’s turned away. and i’m showing myself my worth by chasing after someone who DGAF about anyone else but herself, really. <- sounds so bitter but there’s truth to it, i promise. we are talking girl who got annoyed about me being upset about her not giving me an anniversary gift because she still held the first breakup against me.. (more details i’m leaving out for the sake of my thumbs)

among other things^ because that wasn’t the only thing she did that kind of had me scratching my head every time because what is up with your mentality about these things ? do all incidents have to be black and white ? how come only one of us get to be hurt ?

anyway! i’m really trying to work on just?? focusing on other things.

term started so now i have to study my ass off but it’s tough to beat academic burnout, plus fatigue, plus floating thoughts that’ll have me bothered while i’m trying to concentrate.

considered taking the term off to relax and allow myself some time out of school but fafsa is oh-so-helpful. when else will i get paid this much to torture myself with assignments? also, i have plans to run away to europe for a month or two next year and i know i won’t be able to without the extra $$ in my pocket.

wishing i could travel and focus on me for the rest of forever but life!! is unfair!! and i wasn’t born to a family with money!! or pull!!! i think i’d be such a cool nepo baby.

sitting trying to gather any thoughts i have about ex, but everything is kinda gone right now. whatever i have to complain about is a given during breakups, i obviously just wish things ended up differently. and i’m disappointed in her for selling me a dream then taking it back within a few weeks, and disappointed in myself for letting her do that and continuing the relationship.

learned! a whole lot! just fear that if in the future i enter another relationship, i won’t have the best communication tools or might still carry some of the relationship insecurity i’ve gained over the little—but still impactful— experiences i’ve had in relationships.

heartbreak fucking sucks!

but if it’s meant to be it’ll be right? i can’t bank on the fact that she’ll come back though. i don’t even know if i’d want her back? she’s not good for me right now, or even as is. she has so much to work on, as do i. but i’m always the one to take the blame in these situations, not only because a decent amount gets put on me, but because i take it all and put it on myself, too.

these things really seem to help people though, so maybe it’s time? i think this breakup has srsly shifted something in me, i feel like im looking into a clogged pipe.. i have all this baggage, shit emotions, and bad habits blocking any healthy flow of energy or self respect that should be getting poured into my own cup.

i also cannootttt do anything for distraction. that’s like a huge pet peeve of mine. “distract yourself” “go out and drink, don’t think about it” “play something/do something so you don’t think about it”

i am incapable of not thinking about it! even in my dreams im dissecting situations and thinking to myself. my brain is constantly going and any peace i have from whatever issue is bugging me is brief and fleeting.

i also cannot make pacts with myself not to do things because im the *one* person on this planet im okay with breaking promises to, which is not okay.

like isn’t that so sad? i won’t break some shit promise that probably doesn’t mean anything to some shit person who definitely won’t keep up their end.. but i’ll break promises to myself, the person who should matter the most to me.

on top of everything, i now have to cope with her possibly being with someone new (info i got by being psycho and checking social media)… sucks.

sometimes i can feel and see how emotionally immature i am. it embarrasses me.