So there was something that happened in my meet and greet with Dan and Phil that I’ve only ever shared with one aspect of the internet, and I feel as though it is something that may surprise some people. So, in celebration of one month since my tatinof, it may as well be fitting to share this story. It’s something that means a lot to me and I hope this story brings awareness that Dan Howell is probably the most selfless and genuine human on the planet.
So for those who may or may not know, I am 6ft3. Now, as a fifteen year old teenage girl, this is extremely uncommon, and I do not exaggerate when I say I get comments, judgement and discrimination every day for it. At tatinof, I somehow managed to work up the courage within me to wear boots that were extremely comfortable, but made me 6ft4. I left the house feeling fairly confident and ready for the night, until I arrived at the venue and realised that everyone around me was below my shoulders. The only people that were nearly as tall as me were the security guards, who were too busy attempting tall humour on me to make me feel better, and to be really fucking honest, made me feel even worst.
Now I should point out now, I suffer from anxiety, I have since age eleven. I suffer mainly from panic attacks, fidgeting and short tempers which cause me to physically shake, all caused by a variety of reasons, but the biggest contributing factor is my lack of confidence in my height. Whilst the daily commentary has given me a lot of resilience about it, there are times where that completely crumbles and I feel so vulnerable and trapped. I feel like I stand out too much, and all I want to do is be at eye level with everyone else, because when you’re tall, people rely on you for consolidation. People kept asking for hugs because they were nervous and felt scared, which I was happy to give, but deep down, I was a pin drop away from a panic attack. Here I was, the tallest girl in this room, with no one else in the room to receive a consolidating hug from, or someone I could hug at my height and feel safe around. People often forget that tall people are human too, and height in no way permits that a person is invincible and doesn’t live with mental health issues. I was very fortunate that the people around me were all my close friends, and I felt that as long as I had them I was going to be okay.
Jumping to the part where I was only minutes away from meeting them, the backdrop they were behind showed their silhouette, and I had this horrible, sinking feeling that I was going to be taller than them. Inside, I was nervous, anxious, excited and really quite terrified of what was about to happen. The time came where I was escorted to go and they were there. Now, I’ve painted a rather moping picture that I’m really shy and insecure, but, I’m actually quite a bubbly and energetic person, so I went in with a massive smile on my face ready to give them a warm greeting and a massive hug. I cannot even describe that wave of relief I felt when I saw Dan was my height. For the first time during the day I was looking someone directly in the eye and receiving a hug that I didn’t have to bend down for. The same went exactly for Phil, even though I was slightly taller than him.
By this point, I was so happy, overwhelmed and in particular relieved that everything turned out to be the complete opposite that it made me really shaky. It was such an odd and intensified experience of anxiety: so relieved that it made you so happy and nervous. Of course though, there was a part of me that was still screaming to be insecure, and I kept keeping up conversation and laughing with them, made me even shakier by the minute. If I can put it simply, my mind and heart was so incredibly happy, but my body’s involuntary instinct made me shake like I should have been nervous. For me, my best weapon to overcome this for myself is to laugh stuff off to trick my mind, so as we grouped for a photo I said “not gonna lie, I was really scared I was gonna be taller than you guys.”
Dan lowered my phone and they both looked at me like I was being ridiculous (in a good way of course) and we all laughed about it. Phil put a hand on my shoulder and said “why?! I think you’re amazing for it!” and Dan looked over his shoulder and leaned into me, lowered his voice and said “honestly, it’s actually really refreshing, thank you.”
I just remember being incredibly shook taking that photo, I laughed at the comment but I was literally lost for English, structured words. We took the picture, and I had after that, planned to give them both another quick hug, say my thank yous and leave, but no.
I’m not sure how Dan sensed I was nervous, maybe he’d met enough people to know when to look for it, I was probably radiating it at the time, or maybe because he could probably relate to the situation I was in. After all, everyone who had gone before me was below my shoulder. Anyway, as he handed me back my phone, he pulled me in for a second hug. A hug that lasted for I would like to say, a little over ten seconds, maybe longer.
It took me a couple of seconds to realise he had pulled me in for another hug because he noticed I was terrified of being the tallest person there besides them. He kept holding me until I had stopped shaking, and I was very, very close to being emotional. I was so moved that someone was taking he time out of a crazy event just to consolidate someone to make sure they were okay, and not letting go until they were. I was so thankful of it, I couldn’t say anything. I was just so glad to be consolidated by someone I didn’t have to bend down for and someone who could relate to the situation I was in. I just closed my eyes, took a massive breath and quietly said “thank you so much” in his ear for making sure I was okay. He gave a little squeeze I guess? (you all know what I mean when you give someone I reassuring hug) and said:
This person, took the time out of crazy event, to consolidate someone, offer them a reassuring hug and not letting go until they were okay, and THANKED them for being who they are. Someone, reassured me and thanked me for being who I was, and more than that, told them to own it. I had never, ever been told that by anyone, and it’s bizarre to think the first person who did was Dan Howell.
This is something that has meant so much to me the past month. I value this moment so much, and the reason I am sharing it is because Dan has the most incredible sense of selflessness and kindness when it comes to consolidating people. A lot of people said that Dan was slightly awkward and his hugging was cautious, I wholeheartedly disagree. He was so warm and welcoming, and was made me feel so comfortable and an environment that could have been my anxiety’s worst nightmare. His sense of selflessness is so rare these days, and I hope in the years to come I discover more people like him, because the world needs more people like him.
I just want to say a massive thank you to Dan for that act of selflessness. To you the reader, this may mean nothing to you, but to me it means everything. It’s given me so much confidence in who I am, and its reassured me to just keep moving forward. To keep being content with who I am and to keep looking for friends who celebrate that, friends I have luckily found, ironically through our love for Dan and Phil.
Thank you so much Dan. I can say that I am well and truly owning it. It’s not easy, it still makes me feel vulnerable, insecure and upset, and sometimes I let people’s comments and criticism get to me, but I wouldn’t change it, because it makes me Hannah. It always has, and I’ve always kind of recognised it, but you telling me to own it just gave me the boost I needed to believe it all the time.
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