The Gypsy Girl

I realized I missed listening to the radio

until I am called to sleep

how the music calms me 

when the rain fell deep

I figured it has been ages since 

I sat down and had some peace

rushing everyday to find a way to live 

had me missing out on things I miss

I long for the soft drizzle

but only heavy rain falls

the smile I’ve seen before

and the night time calls

the quiet walks before daylight

the voice that soothes me

the words that bring comfort

and how the world used to be

I hope it does not bother you

that your memory lingers here

where lunch is at 2AM

How do you cry for broken pieces of memories

You can’t even make sense of?

How do you miss the love 

That was not meant for you?

How do you lose yourself to a maybe?

How do you forget something that never happened?

How do you tell yourself to say goodbye?

How do you get back to being who you were before you got interrupted?

I never knew I was a delicate flower

Until you recognized me

I was busy trying to reach for the sun

When you suddenly came my way

I never knew I was precious

Until you whispered to me such words of encouragement

But you shouldn’t have come this way

Nor should you have whispered to my ears

I was fine not knowing

How it felt to be precious

Now I can’t go back to being unseen

You....

There are times in your life when the cosmic universe decides to conspire and create connections that aren't meant to be. Ones that teach you that Bloody Mary is a morning drink, and that kindness never go out of style.

If I were to be truly honest with myself, i'd tell me how disappointed I am. I've been for as long as I can remember hated the fact that I am me. I hate how I look every time I look at myself in the mirror it is a daily ordeal to even look at this face and this body. I hate that I made all the wrong decisions in my life and it led me here and that I have no one to blame but myself. I hate that I've never had a True Love and that no one has truly loved me when everyone else believes that there is that someone for everyone. I hate that I have so much pride that I hate being criticized when I am very much aware of all my flaws. They say the truth hurts and that's so true. I hate that I fall in love with anyone who shows even the littlest form of kindness. I hate that I want to believe that its ok that they don't love me back. I hate that I can't provide for my family no matter how hard I try. I hate that I keep going back to the dark never really knowing where this will all lead to. I hate that I am always afraid, afraid of yesterday, afraid of today and afraid of tomorrow. I know that my misery is self-inflicted and I don't need for anyone to point that out believe me. It goes against my principle to wallow in pain. I'm the get go girl, let's all move on!

But that, what I realized was a projection and is not the real me. I think that because I have been lying to myself all these years that I am ok , it did sink in. That's good news, right? Yet still at night, when all is quiet and the only sound I hear is the noise inside my head, the emptiness still creeps in. I can't give in though, but sometimes it just feels so good to let it all fill you, engulf you. The sorrow is unexplainable but somehow it brings comfort , that I don't need to pretend.

So you see, I wish I was in a better place when I met you, my cosmic accident. I wish I was pretty and shiny so then I could've had the courage to look you in the eyes and tell you about who I really am and not be afraid that my flaws will drive you away. I'll never get that chance again I know. And judging from the life I live now I've given up on finding my way back. The world is the cruelest manipulator. It has shown me for a very brief time what a good life was like, what I could never have. It was a defining moment, one that slapped me in the face. The universe had a very clear and succint message, I'm a f***ing loser and I don't deserve even a morsel of that cupcake. There is no use trying to go against it. Time will pass and things will happen the way they're suppose to happen. What's the point in trying, right?

I mean I still care about me and my family and the people around me and I hope that doesn't go away. But everyday it becomes harder and harder to love myself.

I never liked the rain

Up until that day

The drizzles were soft

And the sky was gray

But i didn't need an umbrella

I didn't mind a little rain

I’ll always remember that smile

I’m afraid of small spaces

Suffocating and constricting

I like movies that are slow paced

Stories that demand real feelings

I cry over other people’s heart ache

Like they were my own pain

I struggle to understand my own

I’d rather dance like a fool in the rain

I live for those random moments

Conversations over coffee cups

I still dream of great travels and loves

When the world seemed to have given up

I don’t know how to reply to questions like,

“Why do you look at me that way?”

I’d rather not confront my emotions

And learned to just walk away

I’m a romantic who has fallen

For the Man on the Moon

The coward who collects space hugs

Who’s always mistaken as a baffoon

I am never who I was last year or last month

Nor am I the person you met thirty minutes ago,

I could never figure out where I am or who I was

Like the leaves dancing in the wind

I care less and feel more

The presence of a divinity

Hit me right down to the core

There is peace, there is calm

A surrender of the soul

My heart has finally found

the agony

of hesitance

waiting for chance

to come to me

so finally

it is out there

lo and behold

twas no surprise

cut flesh and raw

the sting of pain

wakes you to this

Reality, duality

Can they both exist?

I feel that we’re

always coming and going

When do we finally arrive?

My weary heart is tired

Wrap me around a warm embrace

Be still for a moment

Let the noise quiet down

Take your shoes off

and walk barefoot in the sand

Feel every step you make

Remember the path that led you here

Breathe in the now that you’ve become

Yesterday has long passed

This melancholy should be worth it

But if you listen hard enough 

You’d hear a soft hum of the drums

Calling from a distance

Take heed at the promise of a dance

Red, blue, and green lights

The skies are lit tonight

Time passes and time is still

Maybe I’m wrong or you’re right

Music fills and feels so good

Souls are on a high 

Who would’ve known

That was our last goodbye

The roads stretched just a little

The breeze relentless and daunting

Had you asked , I would’ve said yes

Has anyone ever wondered Or asked about you who has always been there to shine across the dark waters

Through sunshine Rain or raging storms Keeping to himself Sobs and cries muffled

It gives and gives But gets nothing in return In the end it still stands strong Against the tides…alone

white sheets and sunrises

no sense of time or place

free from the common woes

the absence of haste

a calm surrender

could it be a fantasy

eyes wide shut

lost in silent reverie