something vague

i know it’s my own fault but.  i feel really alone a lot of the time.  i love Brian and i love being with him but i don’t have anyone else to talk to.  and sometimes i’m so fucking lonely i feel like i’m going to suffocate.

i do want to get better.  i know i lose sight of that a lot but it always comes back to it after another week of me being bad passes.  that i really do.  even when i feel stupid, even when i feel like it’s not worth it, even when i feel like i’m wasting my time and my therapist’s.  i do want to get better.

last month was really bad and almost lead to me giving up on myself and getting better.  but i’m not going to be that way anymore.  i’m not going to only depend on Brian for me to get better, either.  he’s working to improve himself and i have to, too.  and im going to.  i’m going to get better on my own will, even if it’s also on his behalf.  i’m not going to sulk and whine about how much life sucks, i’m just going to work on getting better.