Questions Became our Fears

I just found out that this sweet older lady that I go to church with and am friends with is a famous author of books that I like. I’m kind of mind blown. lol. I’m thankful that I got to know her before I found out because we have an actual friendship that isn’t based on me being a fangirl.

today is new music day, and the bands I love have released new music. Every time I feel so alone, somehow I get reminded that I’m never truly alone, and there are people out there that get it. New songs from The Devil Wears Prada, Hot Mulligan, and Haley Williams all have lyrics that I resonate with. And Electric Callboy’s new song isn’t new (it’s a Sum 41 cover), but damn, they make everything fun, and covered a song I’ve always enjoyed. I guess, no matter how shitty I feel, my music is always there. I’ve got to stop drowning in keeping up with popular culture, and just stick to what I love. Mainstream culture isn’t for me and that is alright. I’m still feeling depressed, so I know that I’m struggling with another depressive episode. I can make it through, like I always do, with my music and my art.

I’m really struggling right now and feel like I have no one to talk to. I’m feeling this pressure to conform and assimilate into current culture and I hate it. I don’t want to be like certain pop musicians that pretend they are preaching feminism and empowerment, and that they’re being subversive and satirical, when they say the same old things that conform to performing patriarchy approved femininity and pushing kink on children and other people who aren’t consenting to it. (Sorry for run-on sentences!!! This is kind of a stream of consciousness type writing.) I’m really sex positive and support people who safely and consensually practice kink. I also don’t want to join the handmaids tale, trad wife crew either. I’m constantly being proselytized to by both of these groups and having their shitty takes forced down my throat. It feels so gross. They are two sides of the same coin, both appealing to the patriarchy and I want absolutely nothing to do with it. I want a different coin, or preferably, a Zocchihedron. There’s so much out in the world, and it’s being obfuscated by my country, capitalism, and patriarchy. I’m absolutely disgusted with everything that surrounds me. I feel like I want to just throw away all my stuff and run away, but I have no where to go that all of these things wouldn’t continue to be forced upon me. I also love my family; I don’t want to give up on my husband, kids, and close friends. I also really like my job, which is rare. My job is genuinely helpful not only for my boss, but also our customers. Our small company helps people with things that are necessary, I have to use my intellect and solve problems, so it’s really rewarding work to do. I just feel stuck and lonely in all of this. I can’t seem to just be myself because that isn’t viewed as acceptable. It’s hard because I know that society is structured to make me feel that way. Companies benefit from my insecurity. Capitalism has paved so many avenues to profit off of my insecurity. They’ve also made way to just profit off of my existence. Even my kids’ school tries to make us use Twitter and Instagram to access information, and teachers are on TikTok; they’re trying to get us to not only give up our data, but to also be followers off of which they can make money. Again, I get that I’m rambling and kinda sound like Charlie in that episode of IASIP, where he’s trying to get to the bottom of the Pepe DeSilva situation. I just have to get all of this out of my brain. I need to figure out how to not let this stuff affect me so much because my best form of resistance is going to be fully accepting myself as I am and being happy with it. I’ve always kind of been on the outside and I should be used to it by now, but I’m still insecure and lonely. I’m still trying to persevere as my authentic self too, though. I guess I’m depressed again.