(Disclaimer: This is a product of my imagination and personal delulu.)
You were still very young then when I found my bias. I would not have noticed you except that the attention you gave him could not be ignored. Even at a young age, your bias was showing. Yes, you love all the members. You grew up together.
But your love for him is different. Maybe because he showed you kindness and gave you a second home. At such a very young age, in a city where you knew no one, you were taken under the protective care of someone older, who treated you like a true dongsaeng. We, of course, do not know the full extent of your closeness but the fact that your parents wished to meet him is a testament to the gratitude that they felt toward him.
So yes, you might have started as brotherly. My bias would never have taken advantage of anyone, so much more someone whom he treated as a younger brother. But we have eyes and the cameras would never lie. And in those fleeting moments when you were caught unawares, we witnessed the blossoming of your teenage crush - the fond gazes, the abundant praises, the rush to become older, the petty jealousies. All these were taken by my bias in stride. He's used to people giving him extra attention.
So being young and attracted to someone older and who's definitely a catch would do wonders on a person's territorial instinct. And very territorial you were, indeed. Your bandmates obviously had a crush on him at one time or another - you were all competing for his attention; industry people were attracted to him; he has friends and a life outside of your band. Of course, he was in romantic relationships, too. During those times, he was pretty wild but without calling attention to himself.
Naturally, you had to do everything to keep him, to claim his attention for yourself. The flirting was painfully obvious but endearingly sweet in its innocence. That is one of the reasons why I fell in love with the love that you have given him.
Then you became older and the flirting was no longer innocent.
The fond gazes became more intense, the lingering touches charged with quiet but playful intimacy. You’re still territorial but you have learned a new trick: You wanted him to become jealous, too. Because finally, you would get a reaction from him when you would do questionable things with other people.
And you have become sexier and buffer, someone who was definitely his type. He had fallen under your charms but age was a huge issue then. Now that you were mature, he was no longer shy to reciprocate your advances.
And we who believed from the very start saw in real time the unraveling of a love story. Did we think that you were in a relationship? Did we even assume that you lived together? Did we believe that you were married? Yes, yes, and yes.
So we were naturally worried about you when he enlisted. He was your life; it seemed like your whole world revolved around him. What would you do without him? True enough, you were literally gone and lost during the three months that he was inaccessible. You bared your broken soul in front of millions of your fans. You were literally crying, ffs.
Then the warm spring breeze blew, and he came to you. He kept his promise: Yagsoghae, neoege galge. And you were brought back to life. You became alive again.
You attended concerts with your bandmates; you went on holidays with them. You went back to work; you conquered the world. Along with these came issues and rumors - drinking, smoking, dating. But one single comment from your man brought you back home. He was your home.
So for the first six months, you served together in the same harsh environments. No rhyme nor reason could explain this decision but only one person could make you weather all the storms and cruelty of military conscription. Despite the unpleasantness of the situation, you were home.
Then you were left all alone and he was back into the real world. He’s now back to us. But he could not stop thinking and talking about you. In whatever situation and in any opportunity, he always mentioned your name. He missed you. So much. And he told the world about it. Sometimes, I got embarrassed with how blatantly he told the world about how he missed you and that he’s waiting for you. He was just short of proclaiming that you were lovers.
Naturally, we waited with baited breath for your reunion. These two people who have been separated the longest and who could not stop talking about each other would finally be together. The online flirting would now stop and the quiet certainty of you being back in each other’s arms would unfold before our eyes.
Well, what do I know? I might have read a lot of fanfiction. I might be drowning in my delusions.
You have changed; you both have changed. At first, I thought: Well, my bias now has dozens of endorsements; a lot is now at stake. If they had to be extra careful before and during enlistment, the more that they had to be wary of their actions now.
Then the rumors came. In torrents.
I tried to understand how it all happened. In one of my conversations with some moots, we thought that if it ended, it was our bias who initiated the break up. Knowing him, he for sure suggested it. Like why would you wait for him when you have your whole life ahead of you? The whole world is crazy about you. Being in a relationship with him would just doom your future together, yours more especially. You are a global superstar, ffs. A hetero relationship will just solidify your status as deliciously unattainable.
So you might have taken his suggestion and liked the outcome. So here we are.
Or the delulu is simply deluluing. And we do not know anything at all.
I am so angry at myself for being delusional that I would like to laugh hysterically. All this time was just an emotional waste pit. Of course, people change as they grow older; feelings wane and emotions shift. You may be in love with him once upon a time. Or you were just naturally clingy and sweet that I took it all as romantic. But I think I am at a stage in my life when I can tell the manifestations of true love and differentiate it from a fake one. So I know that I am not delusional. For me, you and him WERE real. Once upon a time.
If it was not real from the start, then you were such great actors. At least you made me happy as a fan. But I know you are the bias of my bias. He would not keep mentioning you if you are not special to him.
If you were real and have broken up, well, then, here we are.
If you are still together and all these rumors are just an elaborate strategy to cover up your relationship, I am happy for you. But I cannot go back to supporting you as a team. I cannot do that to myself anymore. But we are not talking about me. So.
Thank you for the years of taking care of my bias, for raising his confidence, for being his teacher and friend. He was also young like you but you grew up together. You were each other’s emotional support. He is what he is right now partly because of you. And for that, I thank you.
I wish you all the best. I wish you love and happiness in this world. May you fulfill your heart’s desires.
