Healing has been such a process.
I finally have a therapist now. I graduated with a bachelors last year, finally severed all ties with all toxic people in my life, have a solid small group of close friends, have my own custom PC, have a well paying job and have my own place I can finally call home and feel safe in with couple friends. My life has changed so much within a span of 8 months. Last year, I was will sitting in the same rotten apartment stressing over rent and crying over the same things that were only bringing me more pain. I was too scared to walk away. I was too scared to tell my family that I made another poor judgement. I was scared of moving back into another toxic environment, back into the traumatizing little room I grew up in.
I can finally say I am grateful for all the things that have happened within the span of 8 months. Every person that came in and out of my life, all of the life changing experiences and even the traumatic ones. It’s taught me a lot. If it weren’t for all that shit that went down, I don’t think I would’ve had the courage to drag myself out of two toxic environments. I don’t think I’d have the privilege of moving in with friends. I even had a small alcoholic phase and gave a dating app a try. I would not learn that although those things were temporary, I met a handful of different types of people and learned that those experiences weren’t so bad. It helped me move from a very dark phase of my life. It helped me learn who are the realistic people that genuinely care about me and who don’t. That is okay. It is okay for not some people to not like me. I struggle with that thought hard. I still find myself stressing out about so and so that for some odd reason does not like me. I struggle with the fact that some people won’t put in the same effort to work on a friendship with me because they don’t see the value in my energy and support. Which is also okay. People come and go. I can’t stop them. I am learning to accept people for who they are and how their actions towards me show me how much they respect me. It is okay if they don’t. I don’t need them. I don’t need their validation. I don’t need their care or support. I need myself. I need to focus on myself and not anyone else who does not reciprocate.
Some days will be such a breeze. Some days are bright and sunny with blue skies. Some days are harder, cloudy and gloomy. I’d feel emotionless and powerless. Till I come across something on social media that triggers me.. I ball my eyes out or call my best friend and have her hear me cry till I can’t anymore. Lately, I’ve learned to let it out and cry. I’ve learned that it is okay to cry and in fact healthy for me to cry because I always feel better after. Instead of continuously trying to distract myself with over working or making plans and going out back to back, I need to focus on myself more. I owe it to myself to shift gears and face my trauma head on. Take it day by day.
