I can do this. I can talk about hell of a bullshit, but nothing that really matters to me.

It’s like I am in so much pain so I can’t even “touch” it, because it feels like I will fall apart.

I hate being dramatic. It really bothers me as if I am trying to gain some sort of attention in a very sick way.

So I don’t talk. I just, don’t know, keep living I guess.

This little scene with Lorenzo and Underhill at the wedding just made my fucking day!

This ending just blew up my mind and ruined my fragile heart!!!

I have never been a fan of Clace, but!! This ending just disemboweled me, skined me alive and... I even don’t know how to say it.

It was absolutely brilliant, breathtaking finale, that made me cry so hard, I even did not know I had so much water in my body.

It ended in the place, where it was started. And the story started again.

Usually I hate such open endings. But this one - was everything for me.

I literally did hear how my heart was breaking during the episode.

The last kiss was so full of painful, unbearable love, that torn them both apart.

I can’t even imagine how miserable, alone and betrayed Magnus felt.

I can’t even imagine how you should love someone to have enough strength to let go the ONE. Your only one person, who holds all your life, your soul and heart in his hands.

Just a few things about Alec and Magnus.

Magnus is suffering really hard. He sacrificed one of the most valuable and important things in his life - his magic, and even though he tried to live without it, now he knows that it is impossible task for him. He wants it back, badly, desperately, and it hurts him so much that he is ready to even risk his life to get it back.

And after he got sick, Alec saw it. He felt guilty - and in my opinion - he should. Because Alec did not think about Magnus or his loss, he only wanted Magnus became mortal to grow old together. And I can understand this desire, of course, I can. I can understand his fear, his hesitation, his awareness of the fact that he will not be the one and only, that someday Magnus might meet someone and fall in love again. And it also hurts, I know, it breaks Alec’s heart.

But when you are in a relationships, your partner comes first no matter what. When you love someone, your primary objective is to make your partner happy. Otherwise it is not love. It is just selfish shit.

And because of that, 3x16 made me so sad. Because after all struggle, Alec did not do anything again. Magnus returned magic to Lorenzo and became mortal - and Alec was happy about that, he again did not give a shit about Magnus’s feelings or worries, he was just content that everything got back to normal again.

But, fuck, what about Magnus? What about his magic? What about trying to return it some other way? Alec want to propose and it is awesome. But... is it? Is it really?

The fact that Alec admitted his fault shows that he understands all of these things. But even so he did not do anything to help Magnus with magic.

There are many situations during your life when your wishes and wishes of your beloved one are different. And it’s all right. It happens - no great deal. But when you accept the fact of ruining your partner’s life only because it is more suitable for you - it is really awful behavior and has nothing to do with love at all. As the one you choose is everything for you, and you always want them to be happy.

Lorenzo’s motivation is very human and understandable from my point of view (it doesn’t mean that I love him, but...). I am sure all people know how it can be. When you work really hard, when you dedicate all your life to something, but it never works. There is always one person who leaves you behind as you are nothing, as you do not matter.

And you are looking constantly at this person. Magnus in this case. And he is always so careless, so full of light and joy. And it seems to you that this is simple to him, that he has not ever worked hard, that he has not ever known how much energy, soul, blood you should give to be at least somewhere near the point.

Of course, life doesn’t work this way. Lorenzo doesn’t really know Magnus or anything about his life. He sees only a surface, only those things that Magnus is willing to show. Naturally, it is not right. But we are only human after all, aren’t we?

Remember how we tend to judge anyone without going deeper. How we see some shallow things and take at theirs face value. How we don’t think because it is easier to believe that it is THEM who are not worthy and that it is them who are just lucky enough to be successful.

Just wanted to say that I love Margo with all my heart. Her hesitation, her rage, her fear... How she has the power to transform it into driving force, which is constantly pushing her forward. Even if it hurts forever. Even if it seems that she is always falling apart and dying. She has the strength to get her shit together. To struggle even more ferociously. To love even more desperately.

Her inner complexity is incrediable. Million layers after another million layers, each of which keeps her safe, protects her, replacing fear with anger and desire to fight, insecurity with sarcasm, humor and bravado, the biggest, warmest heart with selfishness and indifference.

But under all of them she truly loves. Enough to risk her life. Enough to being absolutely incapable of getting over the death of her friend ever. Enough to spend days after days again and again picking up fucking grains of the fucking sand one by one only because she has a fragile hope that somehow it will help in saving her friend.

Margo is absolutely amasing character. And Summer is extraordinary actress that I entirely admire.

Maia and Simon - best break up ever. Like really. I wish it could be the same in real world, so amasingly respectful and sincere it was.

Thank you, shadowhunters! You always make my life so wonderful :D

Oh, I am so fucked. I love them all. I am sooo in love.

To be honest I even don’t know how to start writing things I am thinking about. That’s why I just put my incoherent weird shit the way it appears in my mind. May be I am a little bit sorry. May be.

My family was not happy. Not at all. So was I. I don’t want to go into details, but things were really fucked up. For really long time.

And I feel like all this struggling ended up changing me. As something inside me was irreparably broken and this “something” created howling hollow, which has been devouring me from the inside ever since then.

The breakdown made me very... complicated (shitty and depressing) person. But also it gave me an ability to sense – deeply and irrationally. Sometimes I even think that a person shouldn’t feel so much.

Anyway. The point is that there are many other people. Who are perfectly fine. Of course we all have ours ups and downs, but I mean that they are fine internally, like... healthy. They had loving family, decent friends, enough money to normal life. They are... integral and whole. They sense things differently. They think differently. They have nothing in common with my bullshit.

And some time ago I understood that I feel lonely with such people. Like something important, fundamental, deeply-rooted is lacking. Like they don’t have necessary piece of puzzle to end my picture perfectly. Like they don’t feel enough, don’t love enough or love the way I can’t understand and appreciate.

Of course it’s just my insane mind. But – no matter how hard I try to deny it – some small part of me loves people (not all of them, no) and craves for affinity. And because of that I am constantly asking myself: will it work this way? Is it possible that people so broken can build something beautiful?

Or should you just cut the bullshit and make it work with normal person? Should you somehow fix yourself? Stop being that... miserable?

I don’t know.

But mostly, even if I am hurting all the time, I don’t want to be someone else. And will I be, if I heal? Is it even possible?

Sometimes I dream about someone who will be able to feel as I feel. To think as I think. Someone who will not see me as a pathetic wreckage. Someone who will think that there is nothing wrong with me. And may be, just may be, we will love each other – truly and deeply, and it will change everything to the better.

Oh, holly shit. I became so romantic and emotional. Yuck.

Why do I even need brain? To produce such nonsense?

Actually I am quite interested in one moment relating to a connection between Clary and Jonathan.

There was a scene in 3x11, where Clary fainted and fell into the snow, and Jonathan came to her and saved her.

Also there was a scene in 3x12, where some unknown shadowhunter grabbed Clary’s hand and Jonathan immediately felt the pain because of that.

So, the question is: What the actual fuck? How does this connection work? How can both of this situations exist at the same time?

Like... Shouldn’t have Jonathan also blacked out? Or shouldn’t have he been senseless when Clary was hurt?

Although malec was lovingly adorable and just fucking irresistibly hot in 3x12, I just wanted to say a few words about sizzy.

It’s not like writers of the show give them much time usually, but the scene where Izzy gave Simon her blood was so thoughtful. And I just wanted to acknowledge her sacrifice, when she without any hesitation or fear or even any thinking about herself, about her addiction, which was so hard to overcome, just let Simon bite her. And only thing she was worried about was him.

And it’s just... I believe that was absolutely amazing scene and a perfect start for “real” Sizzy. Because - I don’t care if I am wrong - I am sure that It was just the exact moment, THE moment, when they fell in love with each other.

And... I am just crying, I can’t even write anymore, because they all just... and malec, and sizzy, and...

Aaaa!! Malec training scene. They are so fucking awesome. Still have not enough time to see new episode, but million gifs (already??) are helping me to catch up :DD

I believe that only way to stop ship some couple for a while at least (I mean cease reading fanfics on them like crazy for hours in a day) is get started shipping another couple.

Which is really horrible idea. It’s like you try to overpower your alcohol dependency by drinking as much vodka as you can, telling yourself that you are definitely getting better.

Oh. Self-deception is the best way to live. Yep.

Why Alec is so indifferent about Magnus’ loss of magic? Yes, he says some cheer up words and he is very compassionate and loving.

But! Where is acknowledgment of his enormous sacrifice? Where is the right words from Alec, something like “you literally gave to another person (the one who you really despise) your magic - the most important thing in your life only to save Jace because he is important to me. And I will never be able to repay you for your sacrifice but I will do whatever is in my powers to bring the magic back to you”?

I don’t understand why so many people are obssessed with the “love triangle” plot. It just brakes all magic inside relationships, making it so horribly real - in the worst way ever existed. We can see it everywhere. How people don’t love each other properly, staying in the middle, how they cheat all the time, how they lie and make promises they are never intended to keep and all this shit.

I have an interview tomorrow and I am freaking out so fucking hard.

I think I am gonna throw up right in the middle of the appointment or worse. What could be worse? I don’t know but I will be there tomorrow. I am sure.

I hate people, I hate impressing people, I hate everything about such awkward situations that always make me feel breathless and unbalanced. I hate feeling so insecure. Ugh.

I am good. I know it. I studied well. I have my degree with honours. I can smile. I can talk with people. I can do it.

May be.