carpe noctem

your honor, in my defense: who cares like omfggggggggg who cares???????????? like. come On

the worst moment of my life was when i was in highschool and we were talking about famous serial killers and i confidently blurted out “jeff the killer!!” and everyone was like… hes not real. and i was like yes he is wtf? you guys dont know about jeff the killer? he killed prostitutes in victorian england? and then they just all looked at me like i was an idiot. jack the ripper. i meant jack the ripper.

“this pillow works better if your a back sleeper” bitch I’m a rotisserie chicken sleeper I don’t stop turning until sleep rips me forcefully from this world

idk why groceries cost money like girl i need them

Weaponized incompetence my ass just weaponize it back. Once my dad tries to pull the “but I don’t know how to clean the counters as well as you” on my mom and she said “ok honey I’ll show you” and she made him stand in the kitchen and watch her clean the counters. Then she pulled out a bottle of chocolate syrup and proceeded to spray the entire kitchen in chocolate, hand him the sponge and said “okay now it’s your turn”

Weaponized Pettiness is an appropriate reaction to Weaponized Incompetence.

For Sale

alice these look pretty worn….

every tumblr mobile update just feels like they broke into my house and moved everything slightly to the left